365 days

Last night was so balls hot, Uge-wan hauled the A/C units up from the basement. One in my room, and one in the living room [currently where everyone is hanging out]. Grapegum's room is mad hot but I get full exposure in my room. Mama always said my room was crazy bright; she liked it. Their room was in the back. I heard Uge-wan huffing and puffing up the stairs. He only brought up 2, he said the suckers were heavy and he got tired. LoL

Due to the leap year and all, 365 days ago was when our world got turned upside down. At about 1:37am that time, the house phone rang. It was the night duty nurse, she said my mom wasn't breathing, they performed emergency procedures but she unfortunately "expired." Yup, she used that word. I suppose she was trying to be factual and not cold but I felt the world drop out from under my feet. I was standing in the hallway outside my room because for some reason someone put the phone that was in my parents room in the hallway outside my door. I was tired from work, came home later than usual due to some delay on the turnpike. I heard the first time the phone was ringing but I was hearing right past when I was about to fall asleep. I didn't want to pick up the phone, no one ever calls at that time and no one ever calls the house line that late. I curse caller ID because the bad feeling had crept up behind my head, like a cloud weighing a ton. She told me and I screamed and everyone woke up in the house. My father was still at work but he said at 1:25am, he told his supervisor he had to go home right frakkin now. He was only 3 hours into his shift. He felt it, she was passing. It was his first day back at work after being on medical leave, which he took when she had her quadruple heart bypass.

I'm not sure how long I screamed. I felt my face was all wet. My skin itched. My skin felt like it was on fire. My legs felt like lead. My head felt like lead. My skin prickled in pain. My eyes burned and I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't stop yelling. I ran all the way downstairs to the basement, to Kuya's room screaming. I think I threw the phone and I told him to fix it because the stupid lady on the phone said Ma was dead. I can't erase his face. Then I ran back up to the living room. I said we had to call Tay. We had to call Kuya. I think Kuya Uge called Tay, who was signing himself out of work. He kept asking him if he was ok to drive back home. Tay was quiet, Kuya was sobbing he kept saying the girls were crying and he doesn't know what to do. I called Kuya Ugo and he screamed on the phone. I don't remember hanging up with him. Tim was on the phone, I think with Tita Zeny. Dawn was sitting by the foyer mirrors, crying with her head down. My little sister, I'm sorry I woke you up like that. I went upstairs and I told Joaquin to call work, let them know I wasn't going to be coming in for awhile. Then I started to get dressed, crying hysterically. I was screaming at them to go to her because she was dead and she was all alone and none of us where there. I felt the guilt climbing into my stomach, like a hot piece of heavy coal. My head was pounding. Kuya Uge gripped my upper arms, I'm not sure what he said but I think he was trying to calm me down. I remember thinking I've never seen my big brother cry. The 3 of them left. Tay was on his way there already. Kuya Ugo was coming to get me and Joaquin. Tita Zeny called my phone, she was talking about God and I kept thinking is it a boat on a river? Pray for her soul for safe passage.

We got into the van, Erika drove. Kuya passed me tissues. Kuya Uge met us at the door, he told me I had to be quiet. The other patients were sleeping and Ma has a roommate who's probably scared to death that someone died on the next bed. She was laying there, looking like she was asleep. She smelled like her perfume that Kuya Ugo gave on her last birthday. But she was cold and her face looked ashy. And strangled sobbing escaped from my throat, I felt like choking and vomiting. But I grabbed her hand and I rubbed it on my face and I cried for my Mama and all the conversations and laughs we will never have. And I can't believe it because I just talked to her not more than 5 hours ago. And what the fuck are we going to do because Mama's gone and she never complained how much she suffered.

My 27th year sucked. And for the rest of my life my birthdays will be overshadowed by the painful memories of that night. It sounds selfish but I mean really, Happy Birthday and Death Anniversary?! Dawn was the only one who thought that; she would too. I've had 365 days of living just because. It's not enough just to survive I hear. It's time to wake up because even though my mother wasn't perfect, she was the best mother I - we could've asked for. And she wouldn't want us stagnating in our lives just because she wasn't there anymore. Whether to poke fun at us or laugh with us or just be the sound listening ear she always was, because we are her kids damn it. And just like when we were young and it was hot so she'd let us strip down to our underwear to run around during a family get together, she would want us to be free.

Fight them until you can't. 2303 hours.