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unassuming w/out the picture, the simulated leaf aids the simulated peace

12/09/07 2:19pm nappin' Tim

6 months

today marks 6 months and while the urge has somewhat lessened in intensity, i'm certain i'm going to feel like cutting or dismembering myself every time i think of that day and all the wishes that can turn into regrets and my mother and all the things we won't share with her for the rest of our lives, however long that may be. provided i don't play in traffic along with heather.

the other day, thursday?, i woke up really early because my ipod was on and one of the lowest, slowest dave matthews band songs was playing. but i could've sworn i turned it off and it was still tucked in with the headphones wrapped around it but yet it was on and playing. and i told my mother she could've woken me up in a worse way so it was ok that it was just a song that woke me up. and then the day before that i woke up to apollo swearing and i'm not sure if i actually said frak out loud. coincidentally it was the same day the jerk off i call boss said if the peons below me f*ck up, then it's my fault. they say shit rolls downhill but one must point out the shit was uphill in the first place.

speaking of sh!t, toilet clogged for some assinine reason. jpm is pissed, not sure if it's me though. the company holiday party is next weekend, on the 16th. you may call me MOD.

Stuck on the bus due to accident in tunnel. Sucks major balls... 1:07am

new players

not that I have any business looking at new mp3 players, on account of no money, but I have been window shopping. my little red nano keeps crashing on me & while it's not totally annoying it's disappointing considering all the hype with how fabulous iPods are. maybe that's just it, it's just hype. anyway...
I've been scoping out the new iRiver clix gen2 which is like having a small TV in your hand. the screen looks awesome and the controls seem user friendly enough. I can't stress how the screen looks sharp. either that or my display settings are too bright. I like that there's no visible buttons per se and how smooth the overall units looks. streamlined so to speak, nevermind the red border on the 8gb model. it's got all the other goodies that iPods don't have - FM radio, in line recording, built in mic, etc. truthfully though, I never really used those features when I had my other iRiver. an iRiver I loved, all blue and black with it's touch strip in the middle.
the other contender on the market is the Creative Zen, no other name danglers, simply Zen. this one is tiny compared to their Zen M or Vision or whatever it was called. on a sidenote, I read somewhere they're not making those models anymore. while the Zen only comes in 3 capacities - 4gb, 8gb, 16gb - it come with an expandable SD slot. for that alone, Zen would win. yes you can get the new iPod video nanos but can you put more stuff in it. honestly, one can buy the 4gb Zen and buy a handful of SD cards - the floppy disks of now - and be quite happy. of course, it comes with the standards of FM radio, etc like above. with the 4gb model reasonably priced on the creative labs website @ $129, you can't get a better deal.

this concludes my stint as a reviewer. I wouldn't be surprised if I had a new mp3 player this Christmas. of course, if the iPhone manages to stick 3G on that sucker and expandable memory [a girl can dream but I'll take one or the other ;-) ] I'd get that. an all in one device is much preferable. but about my beloved BlackJack, which by the way completely stalled much like the blue screen of death on PCs a few weeks ago, what would I do with it? I had to pull the battery out! pleh... oh yeah, Dawn bought a crimson ds Lite. now I have to go get one too so we can play together. hahahaha

well I'm off to watch Bionic Woman then clean up my hard drive. after all that, I've only got 11gb free on the old drive. time to spin up the key. good hunting!

10/08 1:29pm

it's my friday & i'll cry if i want to

my God, i'm glad my week is over at work. i forgot a few things again & i'd love to follow up if i knew what it was that i exactly forgot. i actually escaped pompeii...err the hotel at 11pm this evening. only to discover that no one was home. good thing i called tay otherwise they would've never known i was coming home early. he and my brother were trying to watch some boxing match, and sisters & giant were still at the ru game.
i ended up rushing the last hour before work since i decided to watch the end part of legends of the fall. that is a damn good movie. but i still got to watch the giada-bitch make her fab italian dishes. is this what life is really like? ever feel like everything's so damn pointless??

i was talking with heather today, took a breather from the front desk. her mommy passed away in february we were discussing the messier facet of grief. you know, the crazy ass dreams of hurting people. or the constant daydreams of how everyone we love look laid up in a coffin. or how you want people to just go away because i guess it's just too loud with the noise in your head and outside noise. sometimes you just want to be left alone. i'm not really too keen on therapy since i can't even talk to myself about the sh!t bothering me so why would i tell some stranger. but don't they always say it's easier to talk to a stranger, spill your guts? plus i don't want to be commited for being sad/mental. mama would laugh at me for being so dumb! lol. she would too. she's the type of mother who if you gained weight from freshman 15 would call you fat. because hell, you *do* look chunky darling. she's still the nicest woman i know. plus i told her that calling me fat was damaging to my emotional growth which she frowned at [because it wasn't a jest, just statement of fact & me being affected was me buying into american vanity culture] but stopped calling me fat anyway. ... oh yeah, talking to heather. we should be exempt for the next year until we're not so frakkin messed up. yes we have our significant others, hurrah! but we were laughing about how sometimes we wished we were dead and our counterparts would get offended and it's really not personal. we just wanted to walk out and play in traffic some moments during our day. because work really really friggin sucks and there's a huge VOID in our home life. and she got all these tattoos b/c she couldn't feel any pain and maybe, just maybe cutting yourself would get a blip on the radar. and really, i'm just SO tired. but i still can't sleep, i read tons of stuff online just so i don't have to hear the riot going on inside, neurons firing in all sorts of sequences, and i moderately don't mind the stupid long hours at work because it's even less time i have to spend in this horror. but hey the family's around at least. although i can't help feeling blue since amy called and said her mom was helping her with the baby.

who the frak am i gonna ask? who's gonna hover around me while i fuss over the baby? i'd go slit my wrists except it's not professional to have marks on your forearms.

feel free to talk to me world! cuz it's scary in my head.

The worse part about being upset is having no one to talk to about it.

10/04 4:09pm

from the roof of the hotel, impromptu tour stop during our safety comm meeting. larry let me & jess smoke lol! too bad platinum is in the way, otherwise there'd be more of the hudson.

9/20 @ 12:10am

@ the end of the day, it's all a pile of horse sh!t...taken outside the hotel after a looong day. the bins of garbage is to the right. i couldn't fit it all in without danger of getting runover.

strike that

i was just watching one of the better episodes, unfinished business, and i came to a few things. one, my resolution to be healthier has been shot to shit. i guess you'd be smoking too in my position. by default, exercise and eating better is also down the gutter. two, i'm still not getting enough sleep. not that you can with all the snoring either. which reminds me, i bought new sheets from ikea. red with white flowers and vines, bold print though. makes my otherwise unlived room bright. i put down an area rug too, cost of improvement? $40. it's-a-nice. conclusion, i know i've been bitching about work and how much it sucks and how much i don't want to be there anymore. but the long and short of it is i talk about it way too much to trusted individuals so that i'm decompressed enough to frakkin come back the next day and do the same sh*t over. walk the walk i guess. but really, finish the fsd class, actually get in the ring, and do something about it. did i mention i hate my job?

frak, still don't know if we're moving or not. this headache hasn't gone away either.

four seasons

what's the line, four seasons of love and laughter; i'll be alright be being alone...i will be okay.


doesn't feel like it. i forget that sometimes depression isn't just a mental thing, it's a physical thing. i'm exhausted like i've never been before, my whole body aches when i wake up sometimes. i'm ignoring headaches because why waste a perfectly good tylenol. i know it'll be back anyway or the throbbing may abate but the dullness will remain. and yes of course, as aggravated i am about work i'm not really doing all i was doing in the past, despite being forced to do more hours. commitment is just below gone. i know i keep saying it but changes need to be made. maybe i should just do it.

timmay said tay wants the house cleaned so we can have a birthday party for mama, just like we've been meaning too for the past 2 years. i'm not sure if that means we're not moving. tim says it's too early too move and i can't even fathom not being here with flashes of my mother super-imposed over the blank spaces. i hear her laughing or watching hgtv or her shuffling feet in the kitchen while she looked for the equal for her coffee. frak it all, my father makes me an over easy egg for breakfast. i eat it at home because who's gonna make my lunch. i'm not sure, i'll always need lunch but she made it for me.

and the very real blow to my face, the cause of the blooming sting at the tip of my nose that starts the tears is all because i can't accept the gravity of my grief and how the whole world just seems a little less sharp because she's not here anymore. i opened the door this morning as joaquin was leaving and realized it's cold again. she used to wear that reddish jacket tita zeny bought me - i wore skiing twice - when it got cold because it was mad warm in that jacket and she was always cold.

she isn't cold now. only the rest of us.

9/10 @ 1:50pm

end of the first day of school. kid was mad sweaty. she doesn't want to tell her tatay about her day until we leave. killjoy =)

9/05 4:55pm

Hearst Bldg in Midtown, walking back with Keon & Cynthia from John Jay for FSD class. Dragged my feet back to work... Opera is a bitch so far.

time misposting

maybe I'm just too tired, but for the life of me I can't figure out how to post the correct time on this blog. it keeps posting for pacific time when I want eastern time. :-/

anyway, this past Sunday we all piled into the van and headed off to the park [sadly the one where you can see all the industrial plants that makes up Jersey]. we did a drive by picnic packing at Wegman's: lemon pepper chicken, rice from home [lol], Klondike ice cream bars, Doritos, honey wheat pretzel twists, oatmeal raisin & white chocolate cookies, to wash it all down with lemonade and limeade. in hindsight, all foodstuffs you don't really want to mix especially if you're stomach constitution falls squarely on your father's side. but despite the overly cool wind and stephanie's tantrum about going home without her one last swing, it was a nice day out of the house. the house we'll have to move out of soon. too many memories... I'm still on the fence though about the whole thing. it is the last place she called home.

after Palmyra, we dropped Dawn off back at school. Her room faces the river, which is kind of neat. now she lives in a central place; she won't have to ride the bus just to retrieve her mail! gotta love college. I'm pretty tired, I unfortunately have AM shift tomorrow. that particular prospect of distraction doesn't appeal to me anymore. mainly because being a lower management peon is a total drag when the one above you is completely parochial minded in his supposed supremacy.

fyi: mo-blog stands for mobile blog, when I post from my cell.

9/03 2:42pm

Happy Labor Day! I'm not sure why the mannequins are flyin over the suits but we drove down to my aunts & bought pirate shirts @ Cherry Hill. Maybe we can take a walk @ by the water later. - mo.blog

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it's highly probable that most Filipino homes have a giant wooden fork and spoon up on the wall. 9/01

breezy Sunday

The thing about having Sundays off is the rest of the week just seems really annoying. Don't get me wrong I like being here when everyone else is off. A trip to Wegman's, dinner all together, it's all nice.

Dawn is moving back to RU today. As soon as everything else gets moving I guess. I was going to make tilipia for dinner but seeing as how we ate half the stock for lunch, we'll have to come up with something else. It is getting late though. I hope I can get this mobile blogging going.

Stephanie is here. She's spouting all sorts of crazy things. The good thing about having a laptop is even if you've been enlisted to be in the "scary adventure to the heart of evil" one can still type on their blog while the 4 year old pretends to be some sort of flight attendant/tour guide. Btw, my seat belt is a back scratcher. Also I say ok as much as I want and she'll just keep talking. Stephanie should be a drill sergeant, she's got the voice projection and pushy-ness for it. I like how she puts her hand over her mouth to make her countdown to "blastoff!" muffled like over an intercom. She just told me that we're now in space and let's see where our imaginations take us. She also just said, I gotta hang on cuz this rocket ship is bery past and I might want to throw up. At least she's into rocket ships and flying too. :-)

Sometimes 4 year olds are the best company.

Then there was Six

Brand new blog, I've got 2 already. But I figured a fresh new one couldn't hurt. Once upon a time, there was a family of 7. The 7 towers. There was a father and a mother, 2 boys and 3 girls. We've lived in houses with side yards & porches, houses with back yards & car ports, houses too tiny for a family with 4 kids, lived with family when we first moved to US. Then there's the 2 family home when a brother left for the military, and then a 6th floor apartment across the street from a church. The brother returned from the military and the other left for dry heat weather in the southwest. Yet another 2 family home, tinier than the other one. A niece made an appearance. And so we moved to closest to the first grandchild in our band of 7. Meanwhile, diabetes was eating away at the mother but she never complained, just took her insulin and a percacet when it got too bad. College came and went for the 2 oldest girls, the youngest grudgingly attending the same school. The niece started to say funny things and make sense at the same time, developing her massive but timid ego. Now we're at the townhouse. Finally a house with enough room for all of us, even for niece sleepovers, room for company to keep over. There's parking a plenty, a balcony and porch, bathrooms enough so no one will have to wait. Splotchy wireless connection and a cat that isn't at all affectionate. There's a table that seats at least 10 people, 2 refridgerators, laundry room, central air and enough closets to stuff with random things collected.
Then God called the mother one day and she of course had to answer. And even though she put up a fight and never complained and told us not to worry, we were crushed and there's a defeaning silence where she used to laugh and joke and make fun of us for being her silly kids and listen to her granddaughter say crazy little kid stories and reasonings and rib my father for being the quirky best friend/father/husband that she's ever known. But it's all for the best because she was tired and she suffered even if she never complained and I know God that with acceptance is peace but until then it's ok to miss my mother. Now the 7 is 6 and we're flying in broken formation.

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