my God, i'm glad my week is over at work. i forgot a few things again & i'd love to follow up if i knew what it was that i exactly forgot. i actually escaped pompeii...err the hotel at 11pm this evening. only to discover that no one was home. good thing i called tay otherwise they would've never known i was coming home early. he and my brother were trying to watch some boxing match, and sisters & giant were still at the ru game.
i ended up rushing the last hour before work since i decided to watch the end part of legends of the fall. that is a damn good movie. but i still got to watch the giada-bitch make her fab italian dishes. is this what life is really like? ever feel like everything's so damn pointless??
i was talking with heather today, took a breather from the front desk. her mommy passed away in february we were discussing the messier facet of grief. you know, the crazy ass dreams of hurting people. or the constant daydreams of how everyone we love look laid up in a coffin. or how you want people to just go away because i guess it's just too loud with the noise in your head and outside noise. sometimes you just want to be left alone. i'm not really too keen on therapy since i can't even talk to myself about the sh!t bothering me so why would i tell some stranger. but don't they always say it's easier to talk to a stranger, spill your guts? plus i don't want to be commited for being sad/mental. mama would laugh at me for being so dumb! lol. she would too. she's the type of mother who if you gained weight from freshman 15 would call you fat. because hell, you *do* look chunky darling. she's still the nicest woman i know. plus i told her that calling me fat was damaging to my emotional growth which she frowned at [because it wasn't a jest, just statement of fact & me being affected was me buying into american vanity culture] but stopped calling me fat anyway. ... oh yeah, talking to heather. we should be exempt for the next year until we're not so frakkin messed up. yes we have our significant others, hurrah! but we were laughing about how sometimes we wished we were dead and our counterparts would get offended and it's really not personal. we just wanted to walk out and play in traffic some moments during our day. because work really really friggin sucks and there's a huge VOID in our home life. and she got all these tattoos b/c she couldn't feel any pain and maybe, just maybe cutting yourself would get a blip on the radar. and really, i'm just SO tired. but i still can't sleep, i read tons of stuff online just so i don't have to hear the riot going on inside, neurons firing in all sorts of sequences, and i moderately don't mind the stupid long hours at work because it's even less time i have to spend in this horror. but hey the family's around at least. although i can't help feeling blue since amy called and said her mom was helping her with the baby.
who the frak am i gonna ask? who's gonna hover around me while i fuss over the baby? i'd go slit my wrists except it's not professional to have marks on your forearms.
feel free to talk to me world! cuz it's scary in my head.
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