11th hour of the 28th year

Last night I went out of drinks with ChasingAmy since it is our bday tomorrow. Although technically since I was born in the PI, today is already my bday. But I live here now so... Anyway, we had a decent time, our usual spot at Bourbon St. where hurricanes are $5 all the time. It's like Rachel Ray's $40/day good time except we're at a bar and I'm spending $43.75 each time hahaha. Aaron & Joseph stopped by as well, Aaron had a new business card. He no longer works at the Hudson. ChasingAmy stopped by the hotel on the way to Bourbon, she told me they had redone the lobby. It's apparently all black with a big old chandelier. Still bad karma in that place though and unless someone posts a picture, persona non grata will not be seeing it. Enough of that dump.

Anyway, 3 hurricanes and a portebella mushroom burger later I was feeling nice. We weren't aiming to get drunk and we're far too old to be partying all night considering we've got families and established relationships. LoL Chasing had asked what kind of goals I wanted accomplished by my next bday. The big 3-0. I told her I wanted a different life from when my mother was alive. I want to be less complacent with how things are. I would've been more than content working a job with people I have no respect for as other people simply because they were lacking in basic things like honor, honesty, work ethic to name a few things, for a few years and not thought better of it. As it stands, shit happens and now I'm left wondering why the hell did I waste so much time at a position that was never going to promote me ever again when I have 2 degrees under my belt. F-in ridiculous. I carry a freakin bachelor of science! Anyway, back to the goals. I told her my 27th year sucked and I spent most of that year trying to live it up while simultaneously restraining myself from jumping in front of a cab. My 28th year I spent trying to figure out what was wrong with me, trying not to run death/funeral scenarious of different people that I love/care for and to say I wasn't myself is an understatement. Depression sucks and it physically hurts. I'm clawing my way out, my fingers are bleeding from the effort. Even Giant and I are in one of the best places we have been in awhile. Things were really difficult & there were times I just felt like ending it all but it would've been completely selfish & lazy. And before anyone asks again, we've been together for almost 5 years and the hold on us is me, not him. I have marriage issues, such as I don't see the necessity of it despite my parents being successfully married with death doing the parting. And Giant doesn't want to do anything half assed which I happen to agree with but since there aren't any children in the picture, I don't see rushing into it especially considering the financial restraints we are in. If I could interject an aside regarding finances, I'm $1900 away from owing only the federal government money. Which I am happy about, hopefully nobody else shows up with another bill. Let it be known though, I would love having my own place with my crap and my own cleanliness rules. It's mild OCD and I hate having to deny it lol.

So, 29th year. I need a job, obviously, but I'm not going to be too picky about it. I will still give it my best although admittedly it will not be 110%. I'm aiming for 95% haha. I will take whatever lessons I've learned from previous jobs and I won't be compromising myself any longer. The job will be mostly for money as my agenda is to get fit. 15 pounds lighter by the next bday. I'll start slow and I'll just keep in mind the pain is the weakness leaking out. Giant claims that Marines said it. I also want to help Kuya out because he's grown out of sizing charts at regular clothing stores. With our history of diabetes, we really should be more aggressive in our prevention of it. Otherwise the price and lessons our mother left behind would be wasted. Maybe get my eyes lasered because I am sick of waking up not seeing crap except for those eye floaties. Hahaha. I'm trying to get my money & paperwork done for citizenship before they raise the price again. And I am going to give a hard effort to getting what I want. To air some fears out, I'm afraid Giant will resent me and I'm afraid I'll let a job swallow up all my time again despite my painfully acute awareness of missing my family. God, all those family events I missed for a job that didn't appreciate me anyway. Fuckers.

Apparently I can go back downstairs now, they have all signed my card and my father was already asking me what we're going to do tomorrow. I want to spend all day awake! I really really need a haircut and I should stop chickening out and get it already. I told Giant I wanted Mariska's haircut but I could never pull that off since I don't have the patience to fix my hair every day. I'm more the air dry, pony tail it up kind of gal. LoL Plus I don't think I could rock that with my head shape... Then it's the usual, make unbroken spaghetti and I want hot dogs. Get cake. Maybe some grocery shopping. I welcome the rain tomorrow, unless it makes the day muggy then no, not welcome.

This past weekend's news. The last survivor of the Titanice has passed away. An AirFrance flight disappeared off the radar with 228 souls on board. And tonight's news, Angelina Jolie has bumped Oprah off #1 the Forbes 100 power list. Rock on Gemini!

And lastly, I got a fortune cookie about 2 weekends ago when Giant and I ordered food at his apartment. It said "your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." Best advice, I'm not sure about fortune though lol. Years ago, I got a fortune cookie while I was eating chinese outside the College Ave student center with EricB and it said happiness is right next to you. And I remember mentally scoffing at it while yes we were dating, yes he and I were happy but I had seriously doubted we'd be happy together. Maybe it was the cynic in me but I remember just thinking it was so funny that I got that fortune.

So.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! :o) hoo-rah.

Been awhile.

I've been bad, haven't been blogging. I didn't write about the end of BSG or my apparent tolerance to watching cop/crime shows all day without getting an idiot box headache. I didn't blog about Stephanie's 6th birthday or how she said she doesn't remember Lola's voice anymore. I can't describe the bittersweet pain of my mother not seeing first hand all the crazy things this kid does. I don't write about how much my sisters hurt my feelings. How I wish my mother was around because we still need to be disciplined, humbled, smacked around for lack of manners or thought. I don't blog about how I gave up on my relationship and the crushing relief when I accepted Joaquin wouldn't have even if I did. I gave up on myself. I don't dream or at least I don't remember it and that had always been an indication that there was something wrong with my thoughts from past experiences. My dreams always disappeared when I lost my bearings. I told myself I was a loser. Worst of all, I believed it. How it occurred to me that working through things takes 3x as long when I don't want to talk about, keep it, let it fester, let it eat away on the inside til I felt hollow enough that a little pain was enough to wake me up. For a minute at least. I wished I had a therapist so I could badmouth people I didn't like without being told they didn't want to hear about it or someone showing lack of interest in even listening. Having to consolidate my feelings about people I used to work with. It started with anger, resentment, homicide and now I'm mostly on pity. Because really, who wouldn't pity people who if scratched on the surface yielded nothing but more surface? Whatever happened, they can't ever take away any lessons I've learned over there.

My mother's 2nd year anniversary is coming up. My 29th birthday is coming up. Today is the year anniversary of Kenny's murder. I would like to be a police officer. Rabbit said I shouldn't be because I'll be poor. I told her I was poor now. I looked up the big office building next to the apartment complex and I discovered it's a lawyers office. Hahaha, I just find that hysterical. Kuya said to apply for anything because even if it was $10/hr I'd be only crossing the street and eating lunch for free at home. I'm not sure I want my world to shrink to such a small geographical radius [on the account of I don't drive] but I think after the mindclusterfuck I'm trying to sort through it would be ideal for me. Most likely lol. We shall see, if I manage to get it and it's only $10/hr I'd make more money on unemployment. Sad isn't it? I do miss having a schedule and a purpose, even if it's only a job.

I should take some trips before I go back to work. ChasingAmy has tentatively planned for the two of us to hang out before our bday; she thinks we'll be out partying all night however past meetings have ended approximately 9:30pm at the latest. Our asses are getting old and my alcohol tolerance isn't what it used to be! LoL

I'll come back and post more. I need to, this was my therapy before all of this crap.

Inauguration Day 2009

The USofA welcomed it's 44th president today, Barack Hussein Obama. The joke's been said countless times, whoever named him didn't think he'd want to be president some day. That's besides the point anyway.
President Obama made a very riveting speech about making change and how this country together will defeat the social woes and economic problems that face him. I must admit that I never paid particular attention to presidential turnovers for completely ignorant reasons. Nevermind the fact I'm not all that interested in politics due to severe lack of interest and comprehension. And I hesitate to add that it was a bit poignant when former President Bush had stepped down after 8 years. It is an era after all, even if he may be judged as the worse president in history. At the very least, he was the least liked of presidents. I do not envy Obama, he has a rather large and daunting task ahead of him. And I hope the people's confidence in him don't make fools of all of us. Anyway, he is an intelligent man and whatever ideals he has for positive change don't change and he truly makes something of this country.
Someone pointed out he was afraid children would forget how much hard work was put into improving civil rights of minorities in this country. And how racism is still fought to this day and people still live in fear or paranoia regarding being the wrong color. It wasn't even 60 years ago that a black man wouldn't have been served in restaurants in DC. There were many security concerns about the more active members of racist groups attempting assassination upon President Obama. But as it stands it's a brand new administration and hopefully his pretty words follow through even better.

Welcome the new President indeed.

Daniel Tosh

...is the name of the comedian we just finished watching on Comedy Central. Extremely funny because of his seemingly non-linear delivery of viciously mean jokes to non-sensical ones.

He was cracking on football and the decision to not celebrate a touchdown, poor sportsmanship or whatever. And he was saying how the players will point up to the sky in reference to God. And he said, he wouldn't just point at the sky and proceeded to point all around him at everything. Then pointing to himself in the end. He said God was everywhere, God is in his soul. And that God could be in yours too, you just have to invite Him in. He's like a vampire. That was just too funny for words plus you know me and vampires.

Just thought I'd share that. I'm still working on this shanshu thing. So far if vampires were real and I was the equivalent of one, I'd have waited for the rising sun with a smile on my face 2 days ago.

Hello 2009!

resolutions. or re-soul-utions?

- i'd like to say no smoking but that's too much for my fragile will power. so we're going with considerably less smoking. so far so good, knock on wood.
- healthier eating. rocky start as i had doritos with my bowl of raisin bran this morning. will chalk it up to residual holiday chowing.
- physically healthier. i gather that i just need to be less sedentary as my weight was pretty stable during my employ. however, it's going to need a good dose of will power [see less than stellar adjective regarding will power on first line]. also, must keep in mind muscle is heavier than fat.
- healthy mind. i will try to keep the lascivious thoughts to a min but i'm only human. no compromise on the weird dreams; besides i like those.
- re-establish that filter between brain to mouth. and mouth to brain. they've not been on the same page, let alone same book for that matter, for awhile now.
- new job that treats me fairly. no more skipped lunches or 12 hour days/6 day work weeks unless there's ot involved. and try to avoid dishonest and/or incompetent boss figures. liking the job is wa-ay down that list.
- clean house. it's not the refugee look but my gosh we have alot of stuff we could surely donate to those in need.
- sleep! was good last night, got almost 9 hrs of sleep. discovered that it takes about 2 days for me to switch from being a night owl to morning lark & vice versa. i do like the night better though.
- hobbies. idle hands and what not. there is plenty on the list, as well as plenty at hand. sketchbooks, photography manuals, earring making equipment.
- learn a language. any language as long as it's useful or enjoyable. my brain is thirsty, i swear it.
- GENERALLY, take better care of myself. because when i do, i'm ridiculously good as a human being.