Been awhile.

I've been bad, haven't been blogging. I didn't write about the end of BSG or my apparent tolerance to watching cop/crime shows all day without getting an idiot box headache. I didn't blog about Stephanie's 6th birthday or how she said she doesn't remember Lola's voice anymore. I can't describe the bittersweet pain of my mother not seeing first hand all the crazy things this kid does. I don't write about how much my sisters hurt my feelings. How I wish my mother was around because we still need to be disciplined, humbled, smacked around for lack of manners or thought. I don't blog about how I gave up on my relationship and the crushing relief when I accepted Joaquin wouldn't have even if I did. I gave up on myself. I don't dream or at least I don't remember it and that had always been an indication that there was something wrong with my thoughts from past experiences. My dreams always disappeared when I lost my bearings. I told myself I was a loser. Worst of all, I believed it. How it occurred to me that working through things takes 3x as long when I don't want to talk about, keep it, let it fester, let it eat away on the inside til I felt hollow enough that a little pain was enough to wake me up. For a minute at least. I wished I had a therapist so I could badmouth people I didn't like without being told they didn't want to hear about it or someone showing lack of interest in even listening. Having to consolidate my feelings about people I used to work with. It started with anger, resentment, homicide and now I'm mostly on pity. Because really, who wouldn't pity people who if scratched on the surface yielded nothing but more surface? Whatever happened, they can't ever take away any lessons I've learned over there.

My mother's 2nd year anniversary is coming up. My 29th birthday is coming up. Today is the year anniversary of Kenny's murder. I would like to be a police officer. Rabbit said I shouldn't be because I'll be poor. I told her I was poor now. I looked up the big office building next to the apartment complex and I discovered it's a lawyers office. Hahaha, I just find that hysterical. Kuya said to apply for anything because even if it was $10/hr I'd be only crossing the street and eating lunch for free at home. I'm not sure I want my world to shrink to such a small geographical radius [on the account of I don't drive] but I think after the mindclusterfuck I'm trying to sort through it would be ideal for me. Most likely lol. We shall see, if I manage to get it and it's only $10/hr I'd make more money on unemployment. Sad isn't it? I do miss having a schedule and a purpose, even if it's only a job.

I should take some trips before I go back to work. ChasingAmy has tentatively planned for the two of us to hang out before our bday; she thinks we'll be out partying all night however past meetings have ended approximately 9:30pm at the latest. Our asses are getting old and my alcohol tolerance isn't what it used to be! LoL

I'll come back and post more. I need to, this was my therapy before all of this crap.