I've been bad, haven't been blogging. I didn't write about the end of BSG or my apparent tolerance to watching cop/crime shows all day without getting an idiot box headache. I didn't blog about Stephanie's 6th birthday or how she said she doesn't remember Lola's voice anymore. I can't describe the bittersweet pain of my mother not seeing first hand all the crazy things this kid does. I don't write about how much my sisters hurt my feelings. How I wish my mother was around because we still need to be disciplined, humbled, smacked around for lack of manners or thought. I don't blog about how I gave up on my relationship and the crushing relief when I accepted Joaquin wouldn't have even if I did. I gave up on myself. I don't dream or at least I don't remember it and that had always been an indication that there was something wrong with my thoughts from past experiences. My dreams always disappeared when I lost my bearings. I told myself I was a loser. Worst of all, I believed it. How it occurred to me that working through things takes 3x as long when I don't want to talk about, keep it, let it fester, let it eat away on the inside til I felt hollow enough that a little pain was enough to wake me up. For a minute at least. I wished I had a therapist so I could badmouth people I didn't like without being told they didn't want to hear about it or someone showing lack of interest in even listening. Having to consolidate my feelings about people I used to work with. It started with anger, resentment, homicide and now I'm mostly on pity. Because really, who wouldn't pity people who if scratched on the surface yielded nothing but more surface? Whatever happened, they can't ever take away any lessons I've learned over there.
My mother's 2nd year anniversary is coming up. My 29th birthday is coming up. Today is the year anniversary of Kenny's murder. I would like to be a police officer. Rabbit said I shouldn't be because I'll be poor. I told her I was poor now. I looked up the big office building next to the apartment complex and I discovered it's a lawyers office. Hahaha, I just find that hysterical. Kuya said to apply for anything because even if it was $10/hr I'd be only crossing the street and eating lunch for free at home. I'm not sure I want my world to shrink to such a small geographical radius [on the account of I don't drive] but I think after the mindclusterfuck I'm trying to sort through it would be ideal for me. Most likely lol. We shall see, if I manage to get it and it's only $10/hr I'd make more money on unemployment. Sad isn't it? I do miss having a schedule and a purpose, even if it's only a job.
I should take some trips before I go back to work. ChasingAmy has tentatively planned for the two of us to hang out before our bday; she thinks we'll be out partying all night however past meetings have ended approximately 9:30pm at the latest. Our asses are getting old and my alcohol tolerance isn't what it used to be! LoL
I'll come back and post more. I need to, this was my therapy before all of this crap.
Showing posts with label lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lessons. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Hello 2009!
resolutions. or re-soul-utions?
- i'd like to say no smoking but that's too much for my fragile will power. so we're going with considerably less smoking. so far so good, knock on wood.
- healthier eating. rocky start as i had doritos with my bowl of raisin bran this morning. will chalk it up to residual holiday chowing.
- physically healthier. i gather that i just need to be less sedentary as my weight was pretty stable during my employ. however, it's going to need a good dose of will power [see less than stellar adjective regarding will power on first line]. also, must keep in mind muscle is heavier than fat.
- healthy mind. i will try to keep the lascivious thoughts to a min but i'm only human. no compromise on the weird dreams; besides i like those.
- re-establish that filter between brain to mouth. and mouth to brain. they've not been on the same page, let alone same book for that matter, for awhile now.
- new job that treats me fairly. no more skipped lunches or 12 hour days/6 day work weeks unless there's ot involved. and try to avoid dishonest and/or incompetent boss figures. liking the job is wa-ay down that list.
- clean house. it's not the refugee look but my gosh we have alot of stuff we could surely donate to those in need.
- sleep! was good last night, got almost 9 hrs of sleep. discovered that it takes about 2 days for me to switch from being a night owl to morning lark & vice versa. i do like the night better though.
- hobbies. idle hands and what not. there is plenty on the list, as well as plenty at hand. sketchbooks, photography manuals, earring making equipment.
- learn a language. any language as long as it's useful or enjoyable. my brain is thirsty, i swear it.
- GENERALLY, take better care of myself. because when i do, i'm ridiculously good as a human being.
- i'd like to say no smoking but that's too much for my fragile will power. so we're going with considerably less smoking. so far so good, knock on wood.
- healthier eating. rocky start as i had doritos with my bowl of raisin bran this morning. will chalk it up to residual holiday chowing.
- physically healthier. i gather that i just need to be less sedentary as my weight was pretty stable during my employ. however, it's going to need a good dose of will power [see less than stellar adjective regarding will power on first line]. also, must keep in mind muscle is heavier than fat.
- healthy mind. i will try to keep the lascivious thoughts to a min but i'm only human. no compromise on the weird dreams; besides i like those.
- re-establish that filter between brain to mouth. and mouth to brain. they've not been on the same page, let alone same book for that matter, for awhile now.
- new job that treats me fairly. no more skipped lunches or 12 hour days/6 day work weeks unless there's ot involved. and try to avoid dishonest and/or incompetent boss figures. liking the job is wa-ay down that list.
- clean house. it's not the refugee look but my gosh we have alot of stuff we could surely donate to those in need.
- sleep! was good last night, got almost 9 hrs of sleep. discovered that it takes about 2 days for me to switch from being a night owl to morning lark & vice versa. i do like the night better though.
- hobbies. idle hands and what not. there is plenty on the list, as well as plenty at hand. sketchbooks, photography manuals, earring making equipment.
- learn a language. any language as long as it's useful or enjoyable. my brain is thirsty, i swear it.
- GENERALLY, take better care of myself. because when i do, i'm ridiculously good as a human being.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
keep moving or die standing.
keep moving or die standing. that's what i said to queenliz last night. the bleakness of the job market really really sucks. and after all my hard work, my own personal w&h are trying to make sure i don't ever work in this town again. some things in life really tries your patience and i'm equal parts apathetic and homicidal about it.
the old man went to work even though he didn't want to. claimed he didn't want to call out either but that his back was killing him. he then asked me if it was in his head, answering him with a vague "partly" not really caring to explain myself since i was elbow deep at the sink cleaning up dishes. he walked away, and i felt guilty about not taking a hand in convincing himself not to work today. he came back down dressed for work and said maybe it was because he hadn't moved the whole time he was sleeping so i just kept my mouth shut. i sent my usual silent prayer up to God asking Him to make sure he got back home tonight.
today was a rather useless day, aside from washing dishes I had done none of what I had intended to do. the snow put me off but I actually was awake amazingly early but curled up under my blanket. got to keep on moving. the y has an annual resident fee of $366 and retro fitness has a $19.99/month membership fee. the old man pointed out i was lacking discipline and told me to sign up my depressed ass over to the gym and pay someone to yell up to stop being a lard ass. not that i'm actually a lard ass but if this economy doesn't improve, give me a few months and i will be.
i did get my christmas present via ups today, from moi of course. i got the entire Angel the Series dvd set. amazon had a *crazy* ass sale a few days ago so i got it. i doubt the price would drop any lower unless there's some new fangled technology out there for mass consumption where the episodes can just be beamed into our heads. this act is also a prime example of how childish - read between the lines, selfish - i can be as my present came before everyone elses. as in theirs are still all at the stores while mine is sitting in its boxed glory at my side table.
had a small spat with madratter about her attitude. she got mad i yelled at her and i told her that's how she communicates with the rest of us, by yelling. so i thought it prudent to get my point across by yelling. and let's face it, i'm a few bats short of belfry regarding my own temper and i *am* the loudest of the five by far. but anyway i told her calmly, loosely used here, that she has a bad attitude talking to people that way probably because she never got the beatings we used to get as kids. and the old man never disciplines her because she's the youngest like he is with his siblings. and in my head if ma were here she would've gotten a smack in the mouth already. her response to my lecture was taking out my christmas presents that she hid in the closet, throwing one of them at me and declaring she would return the others. i picked up the Beetle Bard book [which i knew she had bought already, sister sense], put it on top of her dresser & told her i didn't want it if that was her childish reaction to something as inane as don't put the empty bowl on the edge of the couch. she's still a god damned kid.
anyhoot. trying to bounce around ideas in my head for the story i'm working on. expanded version from a dream i had a few weeks back, the one where madratter said i was f*cked in the head when i told her about it. first and last line should be the same, i decided. also, i should continue to write during my enforced exile from the working world and pray pray to God that i get unemployment. but my naive self can't seem to grasp the fact that some people may not like me or respect me enough that they would actively put negativity in my life. then there's the picking up my old hobbies, like making earrings. i had toyed with the idea of making pepe a dreamcatcher and aside from giant's mumbled witchcraft comment, i simply don't have enough time to fashion one. plus not sure where my fine wire is although it literally just occurred to me to use yarn or colored string for the web. and i volunteered myself to kuya to pick up his wife's t&co gift on 5th ave. idk why but since i will be out there at some point before christmas i may as well. this way i won't feel like i have to hang around the house waiting for his delivery even though i have nowhere else to go. missed rabbit's call around 10-11pm. dates and times don't matter much to the unemployed. i shall strive to remember to call her tomorrow evening.
previews: end of the year recap. little things. resolutions.
keep moving or die standing. OR was it, stand your ground and die trying? lol
121608/2355
the old man went to work even though he didn't want to. claimed he didn't want to call out either but that his back was killing him. he then asked me if it was in his head, answering him with a vague "partly" not really caring to explain myself since i was elbow deep at the sink cleaning up dishes. he walked away, and i felt guilty about not taking a hand in convincing himself not to work today. he came back down dressed for work and said maybe it was because he hadn't moved the whole time he was sleeping so i just kept my mouth shut. i sent my usual silent prayer up to God asking Him to make sure he got back home tonight.
today was a rather useless day, aside from washing dishes I had done none of what I had intended to do. the snow put me off but I actually was awake amazingly early but curled up under my blanket. got to keep on moving. the y has an annual resident fee of $366 and retro fitness has a $19.99/month membership fee. the old man pointed out i was lacking discipline and told me to sign up my depressed ass over to the gym and pay someone to yell up to stop being a lard ass. not that i'm actually a lard ass but if this economy doesn't improve, give me a few months and i will be.
i did get my christmas present via ups today, from moi of course. i got the entire Angel the Series dvd set. amazon had a *crazy* ass sale a few days ago so i got it. i doubt the price would drop any lower unless there's some new fangled technology out there for mass consumption where the episodes can just be beamed into our heads. this act is also a prime example of how childish - read between the lines, selfish - i can be as my present came before everyone elses. as in theirs are still all at the stores while mine is sitting in its boxed glory at my side table.
had a small spat with madratter about her attitude. she got mad i yelled at her and i told her that's how she communicates with the rest of us, by yelling. so i thought it prudent to get my point across by yelling. and let's face it, i'm a few bats short of belfry regarding my own temper and i *am* the loudest of the five by far. but anyway i told her calmly, loosely used here, that she has a bad attitude talking to people that way probably because she never got the beatings we used to get as kids. and the old man never disciplines her because she's the youngest like he is with his siblings. and in my head if ma were here she would've gotten a smack in the mouth already. her response to my lecture was taking out my christmas presents that she hid in the closet, throwing one of them at me and declaring she would return the others. i picked up the Beetle Bard book [which i knew she had bought already, sister sense], put it on top of her dresser & told her i didn't want it if that was her childish reaction to something as inane as don't put the empty bowl on the edge of the couch. she's still a god damned kid.
anyhoot. trying to bounce around ideas in my head for the story i'm working on. expanded version from a dream i had a few weeks back, the one where madratter said i was f*cked in the head when i told her about it. first and last line should be the same, i decided. also, i should continue to write during my enforced exile from the working world and pray pray to God that i get unemployment. but my naive self can't seem to grasp the fact that some people may not like me or respect me enough that they would actively put negativity in my life. then there's the picking up my old hobbies, like making earrings. i had toyed with the idea of making pepe a dreamcatcher and aside from giant's mumbled witchcraft comment, i simply don't have enough time to fashion one. plus not sure where my fine wire is although it literally just occurred to me to use yarn or colored string for the web. and i volunteered myself to kuya to pick up his wife's t&co gift on 5th ave. idk why but since i will be out there at some point before christmas i may as well. this way i won't feel like i have to hang around the house waiting for his delivery even though i have nowhere else to go. missed rabbit's call around 10-11pm. dates and times don't matter much to the unemployed. i shall strive to remember to call her tomorrow evening.
previews: end of the year recap. little things. resolutions.
keep moving or die standing. OR was it, stand your ground and die trying? lol
121608/2355
Thursday, November 20, 2008
1 week
it's like a fading bad dream, my tenure at the hellmount. i honestly didn't know what i'd do once i got out of there, frankly forcibly was not one of the scenarios. it's like finding one's sanity. you're striving for it and you knew it was important to find it, get there, but you weren't really sure what to do once you got there. it's only been a week, i guess i got some things to figure out. ever since the news spread, shows who really gives a crap. it both comforted me and irritated me. i probably thought some people were more important than in actual reality. epitaph: "here lies coco, she did alot of work but it was all for naught. now fuck off." at least that bastard won't call me that name anymore.
on other news, harvey junior has been giving me problems. it's like he's throwing a tantrum for me leaving for houston for a few days. when i left, he worked fine. now it's taking forever to load things. forget about loading aim! so gchat for me at this point and facebook. and i'm not sure if it's because grapegum now has wifi on her computer by my signal is significantly weaker. i got like 3 yellow bars with intermittent 4 green bars. and dear Lord, seriously forget about loading more than 2 programs running at a time. including spider solitaire. i'm not sure if more ram will fix this but hopefully it does. it'll have to be my last big splurge since now i've got to ration out my money. it's been a hot minute since i've had to really watch what i spend. you can count my bluetooth earpiece [it's red, i had to get it] as my pre-unemployment binge buy. the first black friday i have off and i have no money to spend! lol. ain't life grand?
hmm now for the job front. i'm not sure i want to dive right back into work to be brutally honest. i keep telling myself that the hellmount had taken so much from me and i shouldn't be further beat by the negative energy from that place and from those people by not looking for a job. but geez... for over 4 years, with the exception of my mother's own passing, not much has occupied my mind. that being said, i had nearly sacrified many relationships because they couldn't compete with the amount of time and energy i spent regarding the hellmount and all it's denizens. or citizens. whichever. i didn't see people for several months at a time, i emailed my own family who lived in the same house, and giant was thisclose to just ditching me for someone more attentive about 1/2 a dozen times. and yet nothing, i got the shaft anyway. i would like to shed a tear for the hellmount because all things considered it was a loss. maybe i thought i could make a difference and maybe that's why i tried so hard and worked so hard. but like the epitaph said, it was all for naught and i should've quit months ago. i promised myself i'd make it a year after she died and i did and i should've quit then while i was still more than 50% into all the bullshit there. but working myself to the ground just to avoid my own emotional implosion of her leaving was not the wisest of actions. but i was always stubborn and always independent [flaws that broke a couple of romantic entanglements mind you]. people who cared about me kept pointing it out but i was too invested in my own decisions to take heed. something about if i backed out of my own choices then it showed me to be weak. i have no idea why i'm so bananas like that. i took care of business there but the business never took care of me.
SO. lessons? never put 110% into any work or job unless your name is on the sign. work is work, friendships are separate from work even if your own friends work there. i think i got good at that. nobody appreciates bullshit or lying and most times people see through it. but that's not to say one should not practice discretion. multitasking is great, balance is even better. if your gut instinct is twitching, follow it and take notes. blind cc is your best friend when dealing with unsavory characters. your word is still your honor and anyone who doesn't believe that is not to be trusted. take office gossip with a grain of salt and always consider your source [lol]. and funnily enough, the last one is from someone who was older and wiser but couldn't be trusted - no matter what they say to you, how they talk to you, they can't ever take away the lessons you've learned from there. have faith in myself...
call me the girl in limbo then, i'm at a crossroads in my life. it's a shame when a handful of people, once all things considered, tell me this is a blessing in disguise with such conviction in their voice that i'm almost certain they knew something all along that i had missed. or too foolish to listen to. adversity shows a man's true character. and the hellmount was nothing but adversity. i should've listened to myself from 2 years ago. don't expect anything from them, but expect nothing less from myself. i suppose deep down i did know i didn't belong there but you stick with the evil you know. LOL. i'm sure i'll think of stupider rationales in my future. so now what?
scrape up some moolah and i guess i should try to go to boracay.
i should start living. it's as simple and hard as that.
112008/2346hrs
on other news, harvey junior has been giving me problems. it's like he's throwing a tantrum for me leaving for houston for a few days. when i left, he worked fine. now it's taking forever to load things. forget about loading aim! so gchat for me at this point and facebook. and i'm not sure if it's because grapegum now has wifi on her computer by my signal is significantly weaker. i got like 3 yellow bars with intermittent 4 green bars. and dear Lord, seriously forget about loading more than 2 programs running at a time. including spider solitaire. i'm not sure if more ram will fix this but hopefully it does. it'll have to be my last big splurge since now i've got to ration out my money. it's been a hot minute since i've had to really watch what i spend. you can count my bluetooth earpiece [it's red, i had to get it] as my pre-unemployment binge buy. the first black friday i have off and i have no money to spend! lol. ain't life grand?
hmm now for the job front. i'm not sure i want to dive right back into work to be brutally honest. i keep telling myself that the hellmount had taken so much from me and i shouldn't be further beat by the negative energy from that place and from those people by not looking for a job. but geez... for over 4 years, with the exception of my mother's own passing, not much has occupied my mind. that being said, i had nearly sacrified many relationships because they couldn't compete with the amount of time and energy i spent regarding the hellmount and all it's denizens. or citizens. whichever. i didn't see people for several months at a time, i emailed my own family who lived in the same house, and giant was thisclose to just ditching me for someone more attentive about 1/2 a dozen times. and yet nothing, i got the shaft anyway. i would like to shed a tear for the hellmount because all things considered it was a loss. maybe i thought i could make a difference and maybe that's why i tried so hard and worked so hard. but like the epitaph said, it was all for naught and i should've quit months ago. i promised myself i'd make it a year after she died and i did and i should've quit then while i was still more than 50% into all the bullshit there. but working myself to the ground just to avoid my own emotional implosion of her leaving was not the wisest of actions. but i was always stubborn and always independent [flaws that broke a couple of romantic entanglements mind you]. people who cared about me kept pointing it out but i was too invested in my own decisions to take heed. something about if i backed out of my own choices then it showed me to be weak. i have no idea why i'm so bananas like that. i took care of business there but the business never took care of me.
SO. lessons? never put 110% into any work or job unless your name is on the sign. work is work, friendships are separate from work even if your own friends work there. i think i got good at that. nobody appreciates bullshit or lying and most times people see through it. but that's not to say one should not practice discretion. multitasking is great, balance is even better. if your gut instinct is twitching, follow it and take notes. blind cc is your best friend when dealing with unsavory characters. your word is still your honor and anyone who doesn't believe that is not to be trusted. take office gossip with a grain of salt and always consider your source [lol]. and funnily enough, the last one is from someone who was older and wiser but couldn't be trusted - no matter what they say to you, how they talk to you, they can't ever take away the lessons you've learned from there. have faith in myself...
call me the girl in limbo then, i'm at a crossroads in my life. it's a shame when a handful of people, once all things considered, tell me this is a blessing in disguise with such conviction in their voice that i'm almost certain they knew something all along that i had missed. or too foolish to listen to. adversity shows a man's true character. and the hellmount was nothing but adversity. i should've listened to myself from 2 years ago. don't expect anything from them, but expect nothing less from myself. i suppose deep down i did know i didn't belong there but you stick with the evil you know. LOL. i'm sure i'll think of stupider rationales in my future. so now what?
scrape up some moolah and i guess i should try to go to boracay.
i should start living. it's as simple and hard as that.
112008/2346hrs
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