1 week

it's like a fading bad dream, my tenure at the hellmount. i honestly didn't know what i'd do once i got out of there, frankly forcibly was not one of the scenarios. it's like finding one's sanity. you're striving for it and you knew it was important to find it, get there, but you weren't really sure what to do once you got there. it's only been a week, i guess i got some things to figure out. ever since the news spread, shows who really gives a crap. it both comforted me and irritated me. i probably thought some people were more important than in actual reality. epitaph: "here lies coco, she did alot of work but it was all for naught. now fuck off." at least that bastard won't call me that name anymore.

on other news, harvey junior has been giving me problems. it's like he's throwing a tantrum for me leaving for houston for a few days. when i left, he worked fine. now it's taking forever to load things. forget about loading aim! so gchat for me at this point and facebook. and i'm not sure if it's because grapegum now has wifi on her computer by my signal is significantly weaker. i got like 3 yellow bars with intermittent 4 green bars. and dear Lord, seriously forget about loading more than 2 programs running at a time. including spider solitaire. i'm not sure if more ram will fix this but hopefully it does. it'll have to be my last big splurge since now i've got to ration out my money. it's been a hot minute since i've had to really watch what i spend. you can count my bluetooth earpiece [it's red, i had to get it] as my pre-unemployment binge buy. the first black friday i have off and i have no money to spend! lol. ain't life grand?

hmm now for the job front. i'm not sure i want to dive right back into work to be brutally honest. i keep telling myself that the hellmount had taken so much from me and i shouldn't be further beat by the negative energy from that place and from those people by not looking for a job. but geez... for over 4 years, with the exception of my mother's own passing, not much has occupied my mind. that being said, i had nearly sacrified many relationships because they couldn't compete with the amount of time and energy i spent regarding the hellmount and all it's denizens. or citizens. whichever. i didn't see people for several months at a time, i emailed my own family who lived in the same house, and giant was thisclose to just ditching me for someone more attentive about 1/2 a dozen times. and yet nothing, i got the shaft anyway. i would like to shed a tear for the hellmount because all things considered it was a loss. maybe i thought i could make a difference and maybe that's why i tried so hard and worked so hard. but like the epitaph said, it was all for naught and i should've quit months ago. i promised myself i'd make it a year after she died and i did and i should've quit then while i was still more than 50% into all the bullshit there. but working myself to the ground just to avoid my own emotional implosion of her leaving was not the wisest of actions. but i was always stubborn and always independent [flaws that broke a couple of romantic entanglements mind you]. people who cared about me kept pointing it out but i was too invested in my own decisions to take heed. something about if i backed out of my own choices then it showed me to be weak. i have no idea why i'm so bananas like that. i took care of business there but the business never took care of me.

SO. lessons? never put 110% into any work or job unless your name is on the sign. work is work, friendships are separate from work even if your own friends work there. i think i got good at that. nobody appreciates bullshit or lying and most times people see through it. but that's not to say one should not practice discretion. multitasking is great, balance is even better. if your gut instinct is twitching, follow it and take notes. blind cc is your best friend when dealing with unsavory characters. your word is still your honor and anyone who doesn't believe that is not to be trusted. take office gossip with a grain of salt and always consider your source [lol]. and funnily enough, the last one is from someone who was older and wiser but couldn't be trusted - no matter what they say to you, how they talk to you, they can't ever take away the lessons you've learned from there. have faith in myself...

call me the girl in limbo then, i'm at a crossroads in my life. it's a shame when a handful of people, once all things considered, tell me this is a blessing in disguise with such conviction in their voice that i'm almost certain they knew something all along that i had missed. or too foolish to listen to. adversity shows a man's true character. and the hellmount was nothing but adversity. i should've listened to myself from 2 years ago. don't expect anything from them, but expect nothing less from myself. i suppose deep down i did know i didn't belong there but you stick with the evil you know. LOL. i'm sure i'll think of stupider rationales in my future. so now what?

scrape up some moolah and i guess i should try to go to boracay.
i should start living. it's as simple and hard as that.
112008/2346hrs