sleeping dogs woke up

I opened my facebook today, in the inbox was an email from Romain.

Now long story short, years ago, a girl had a hugantic crush on a boy, I got the boy through the magic of can't help what you feel for someone, and bam! bye bye friend circle. Let me tell you, I agonized over it; I didn't expect him at all and I had loved Sheryl dearly. So, Paul still talked to me but I was like the other half of the divorced parents who lived on the west coast. That friendship has woefully atrophied; don't get me wrong we're friendly but I wouldn't consider us friends. Aside from he got married and my mother died, we don't know bupkiss about each other.

Anyway, I became shunned like the Amish girl who liked shopping too much in Banana Republic in her year of freedom. I got called trash, whore, among other dirty monikers I haven't cared to remember since it happened. I mean, I know who I am. I know my faults and those names definitely do not define me. So then me and boy just went our merry way, rocky start but we reconciled with each other that exploring love is indeed-y important and real friends wouldn't turn on you like that. Nor would real friends leave multiple messages through AIM or voicemail about how much of a tool you are to claim a boy who was thus far unclaimed, so to speak, by anyone. I didn't think a crush was a claim, lunches aren't promises for forever, and a smile wasn't the beginning of marriage, house, and 3 kids. Adam laughed once at my defeated attitude upon receiving yet another hysterical call from Sheryl; I had said she's just venting her fresh batch of anger at me again. In the space of a commercial break, I deleted all their screen names and numbers from my life.

To be fair, I'm not sure what happened on their end that they turned so feral towards persons they had hung out, laughed with, lived with, and adored. I adored them. Of course I was certain then that a particular individual more likely fueled the drama simply because she was that type of person to do so. And even now when I think about it, girls are just crazy... How does one decide which friendship is more important? Maybe that individual had it happen to her but her reaction certainly wasn't warranted and instead of being a good friend to me & Sheryl, she perpetuated some lame ass behavior. It's been a long time since they've hurt my feelings, since Adam kissed those tears away, since I made new friends. The only thing I really missed was the camaraderie and having people who were there know/laugh about the same things. The ones I'm still friends with weren't around then. But when I needed them to be my friends, they weren't and I was left in an apartment with brand new roommates and a gap to fill. Sheryl tried to reach out once, if I recall correctly I received a call at Campus Kids. She was saying hi but by then, I had already desensitized myself from them. I didn't have the energy to be friends with her. I was struggling as it was.

I'm a little wary naturally. Six years have passed and we're strangers. He apologized for getting caught in the drama. He cringed at the stupidity of the whole situation. He's waving the white flag. I've thought about firing back because I swear, high schoolers would've reacted better than they did. Well I can be a grown up and just deal with it, be it an actual white flag or a Trojan horse. Or I could continue on with my life and just ignore it.

I do have nice memories of when we were all friends. I met him through 56 Place. It would be nice if someone else remembered what went on those years. Lord knows I can't remember things too well & it niggled my brain a bit that I couldn't ask someone else what happened on that day or that party or how about that time we went to Stuff Yer Face.

Plus I am looking to change things.

So much for working out tomorrow. It's 0410 hrs. Good day.

plans

I couldn't locate my measuring tape but I'm going to rearrange my room and the basement. Room for cardio and basement for the punching bag. I figured if I can't sleep, even if I'm pounding away in the basement no one is going to be bothered by it. Hopefully... Anyway, I'll purchase those next week. Maybe even express ship some of the stuff.

Last night while Kuya and I were driving back from jump starting Tay's car, he was talking about how he didn't want to move anymore after our townhouse. I said I didn't either. I don't think anyone except Tay wants to move out of here. It was the last place she was. I wonder if there's an option to buy. I do like this house though, stupid a$$ early rising squirrels that scurry across the roof with nuts and all!

Design on a dime. Ma would've loved it. I don't quite have the budget for a Divine Design but I'm sure we can swing some accessories from HomeGoods. Which reminds me I have to get to the bank at some point today. If only I could just transfer to Tim's account. You know it's never real money unless you see it. It's just ticks on your webpage when I online bank. Ha! Uhhh.... =P

I was thinking of getting a 2nd cell for the more unsavory things I have to do. Like call bill collector's, urghblech. I wonder how much money I have left... Prepaid of course, probably Virgin Mobile. They have that Sugar Mama program where you can earn up to 75 min/mo. for taking mobile surveys. Sweet.

But today business as usual. Check email til I puke, facebook til I puke, remember I have friendster and myspace but not check it. Physically write in my other journal. Laundry. Eat something, like cereal. Which reminds me, wtf with milk prices?! Take out garbage. Shower. Clean. One thing about this house, too much room too clean. I feel like our houses back in the PI were much larger [then again I was much smaller with most of my things consisting of toys & summer wardrobe] but this house doesn't seem to get fully cleaned. It's annoying. You can't sweep, scrub, or wipe enough.

Anyway, EIGHT days until the return of SSSTAAARRRBUUUCKK!!
1248hrs

@ CO lot jump startin Tay's car; left lghts on. Noticed he carries Pmt pen in his vest, my mother had one in her hand in the casket.

3/25 @ 12:15am

only @ the pmt like cynthia said!

12:39am 3/21/08

so much for my clean bag!

miquelrius

so... I've found on journalisimo.com are other fans of miquelrius journals and notebooks. i own 3 now; ridiculous! anyway, it's nice to get affirmation that you're not the only one. i know there are billions of people in the world, all quirky in their own way but sometimes being individual doesn't have to mean being *really* individual. also, on one of the postings someone listed shopmiquelrius.com as the place to buy their ish. excited, i'm perusing now.

also, my bus smelled like dirt tonight. but like the dirt that's really close to potatoes. had that earthy smell with a defined hint of starchy. saturdays always have that weird mix of people.

well, should hit the sack soonish. i'm actually working tomorrow. i haven't worked a sunday since july; so this should be real interesting. i feel like being an asshole.

goodnight! 0239 hrs.

walk

I walked home today from the bus stop.
2 things.
1. I forgot the 815 passes by my house.
2. I forgot to call Kuya Ugo because he was probably at home & would've picked me up & dropped me off.

I made good time, but definitely should have worn sneaks instead of boots.

Tomorrow I work PM.
2 things.
1. Anxiety over meeting.
2. Anxiety over general operations of that place.

Realizations.
2 things.
1. Change needs to happen.
2. It should've happened before this stage of anxiety.

I know I should stop writing about things and just do them. Walking felt good, I was tired for other reasons other than work. It's strange because it's always wise to leave your troubles at home outside of work. But what should a person do if most of their valuable waking hours are spent at work and the only real home trouble is that a person just doesn't spend enough good quality time at said home. I mean, who the hell emails their sister when they live right down the hall?! It's not funny. It's not cute. It's just ridiculous. Furthermore, if a person is spending alot of time at work then it's not really a home away from home. You are at home. And home happens to be the overwhelming place that is the hotel. It's kind of sick that I'm anxious about going to work because I'm not sure who's going to disrespect me. 0055 hrs

all by myself

The girl sibs had Nets tickets tonight so I was by my lonesome all night. I kept busy with cleaning but 2x I thought someone else was in the house, even thought Tay called me from downstairs.

So yeah, next time I'm off I vow NOT to watch "A Haunting" on the Discovery Channel. As if I need any more scary fuel bouncing about in my head.

Off to sleep, AM shift tomorrow! Goodnight! 2355 hrs.
Music: Fergie's Clumsy

determination?

I was in B&N on 5th Ave the other day, on a quest to find a Miquelrius journal. You know me & blank books; I'm really picky about them. I have a small red one that's really great because you can throw it in your bag & since it's good quality, won't really break down. I figured I should get the larger version & B&N was where I bought the red one. I was seriously considering ordering it from Spain directly, something I would not have relished doing but hey... obsessions are just that, irrational. Seriously, my head gets hot when I think about journals and blank books. Add that to reading about electronics!

Anyway... what was I talking about?

Oh! So I'm perusing through the aisles on my way to the check out [I did find the journal, Tim wants one too which means I should get one for Dawn as well, only fair we all match] and I spotted a red cover book titled "Change or Die!" And I had laughed out loud as an initial reaction. However upon closer inspection, it occured to me do I have what it takes to make the change when it really needs to happen? Do I have the determination to keep my focus, keep my cool, and just know that all the frustration/annoyance/undoubtedly anger that will result in making a conscious change would be all for the better?

Maybe. Yes?

Today I did manage to restrain myself from buying anything except for that Miquelrius spiral notebook [ostensibly for the Spanish language learning I am about to embark in] and dinner at Johnny Rockets for me & the siblings. And I did do my laundry today. I'm trying to ease into things instead of going at it cold turkey style in my life choices. Some of the allowances I've made, one can still eat Doritos. I will eventually move on to something better but really I like crunchy things and yes I know I could just do so with carrots & peanut butter, both tasty and healthy. Plus I do like said combo. Other things I should quit cold turkey, my v. bad smoking habit. Giant is going to kill me for this... but last week when my body felt like shutting down from what seemed to be flu like symptoms, I not only went outside without a jacket [to be fair it was warm that day] I had a cigarette. And by God! I frakkin felt better. Would you believe that bs?! Frak! So yeah, smoking goes. I'm actually equal parts amazed and disgusted I felt better after smoking.

So to cap it off... crazy for journals. Doritos ok for now. Smoking v. bad, must go.
And I should get to sleep as the sun will rise soon enough. I fell asleep on the couch waiting for Dawn to come out of the bathroom so I could get my toothbrush. Ruined my night's rest. Note to self, when waiting for something and sleepy already do not throw blanket over oneself and curl up on the couch. Not good waiting strategy!

sleep patterns

well I missed my chance to blog on Feb. 29th, but considering what happened at work there's a reason why that particular day only happens once every 4 years.

so...sleeping. hmm, sleeping for me is closing my eyes and opening my mind to all the wonderfully weird things that plague my mind, in dream form of course. sometimes it's problems trying to work itself out, however it could. sometimes the dreams tire me out, an entire epic of a life has played out afterall in the span of too few hours. most of the time they're just strange and i spend the rest of the day trying to remember it when all i was really holding onto in the space between are the tendrils of oddities and wishes that could turn into regrets. anyway, i'm rambling because i'm tired.

back in June, I slept downstairs as did the rest of the family, too afraid that some one else may disappear to the great beyond. I know once I woke up with a start thinking my mother had called me. but how could she, she's dead. now that I was sleeping anyhow and work just became the break from the horror of grief. i mean, [inner] child please! stop screaming! I'm not entirely sure how I made it to work all those months, still not sure how I manage to get dressed every day for work really... then one day, maybe before fall broke out, I went back upstairs and started sleeping in my own bed. the lights were all on and the door was wide open but hey at least I didn't have to hear everyone else snoring or whimpering or flat out screaming in the middle of the night... not that close anyway. afterall, the door was open. eventually I got tired of having something on my face to block out the light and i turned off one of the lights but the door was still wide open. the spawns of hell could offer me death and i wouldn't have hesitated if they promised i could speak to her again. the door was open in case i wanted to run and scare the crap out of everyone when my own mind would scare the crap out of me. being Catholic is fun. my mother always said, whenever I was afraid to pray the Our Father and the Hail Mary and God would watch over me.
after a few weeks of that, I closed the door but kept the closet light open because what if the harbinger of death came? he would have no shadow to cast if I had the light off. i closed the door because Tim got tired of sleeping downstairs too and when she went to work she inevitably disturbed my usual undisturbed 3 or so hours of sleep. for the sake of my sanity i shut the damn door and kept my tiny silver crucifix around my neck. my mother always watched over me. i'm pleased to say that in the past 2 weeks, I've been sleeping with the door closed and no lights on because now I worry about the utility bill if not the environment and I feel a little bit of the old me coming back.

then again, I broke down at work last Wednesday the 27th. my mind finally having had enough of feeling like the world was trying to choke the things that made me, me. don't get me wrong I am nice, and i do care about people, but I'm fairly certain I could kill if I had to. eek, minority report! ha! too exhausted to care on Kuya's bday thursday, but secretly happy they made a cake and unbroken spaghetti with hotdogs. and friday was 1 more employee short of being complete shutdown of the front desk. saturday i did a double and sunday I spent trying to fight off exhaustion, physical and emotional.

anyway, I go to sleep but not before reading myself a bedtime story and not before hoping that burying myself in my comforter will keep the bad thoughts away, vaguely realizing that unless I address them head on they'll be under the comforter with me. and maybe this time instead of dreaming about more f*cked up things I'll be granted a one night reprieve from the event horizon sucking out what makes perpetua socorro. hmm... apollo's towel anyone?