sleep patterns

well I missed my chance to blog on Feb. 29th, but considering what happened at work there's a reason why that particular day only happens once every 4 years.

so...sleeping. hmm, sleeping for me is closing my eyes and opening my mind to all the wonderfully weird things that plague my mind, in dream form of course. sometimes it's problems trying to work itself out, however it could. sometimes the dreams tire me out, an entire epic of a life has played out afterall in the span of too few hours. most of the time they're just strange and i spend the rest of the day trying to remember it when all i was really holding onto in the space between are the tendrils of oddities and wishes that could turn into regrets. anyway, i'm rambling because i'm tired.

back in June, I slept downstairs as did the rest of the family, too afraid that some one else may disappear to the great beyond. I know once I woke up with a start thinking my mother had called me. but how could she, she's dead. now that I was sleeping anyhow and work just became the break from the horror of grief. i mean, [inner] child please! stop screaming! I'm not entirely sure how I made it to work all those months, still not sure how I manage to get dressed every day for work really... then one day, maybe before fall broke out, I went back upstairs and started sleeping in my own bed. the lights were all on and the door was wide open but hey at least I didn't have to hear everyone else snoring or whimpering or flat out screaming in the middle of the night... not that close anyway. afterall, the door was open. eventually I got tired of having something on my face to block out the light and i turned off one of the lights but the door was still wide open. the spawns of hell could offer me death and i wouldn't have hesitated if they promised i could speak to her again. the door was open in case i wanted to run and scare the crap out of everyone when my own mind would scare the crap out of me. being Catholic is fun. my mother always said, whenever I was afraid to pray the Our Father and the Hail Mary and God would watch over me.
after a few weeks of that, I closed the door but kept the closet light open because what if the harbinger of death came? he would have no shadow to cast if I had the light off. i closed the door because Tim got tired of sleeping downstairs too and when she went to work she inevitably disturbed my usual undisturbed 3 or so hours of sleep. for the sake of my sanity i shut the damn door and kept my tiny silver crucifix around my neck. my mother always watched over me. i'm pleased to say that in the past 2 weeks, I've been sleeping with the door closed and no lights on because now I worry about the utility bill if not the environment and I feel a little bit of the old me coming back.

then again, I broke down at work last Wednesday the 27th. my mind finally having had enough of feeling like the world was trying to choke the things that made me, me. don't get me wrong I am nice, and i do care about people, but I'm fairly certain I could kill if I had to. eek, minority report! ha! too exhausted to care on Kuya's bday thursday, but secretly happy they made a cake and unbroken spaghetti with hotdogs. and friday was 1 more employee short of being complete shutdown of the front desk. saturday i did a double and sunday I spent trying to fight off exhaustion, physical and emotional.

anyway, I go to sleep but not before reading myself a bedtime story and not before hoping that burying myself in my comforter will keep the bad thoughts away, vaguely realizing that unless I address them head on they'll be under the comforter with me. and maybe this time instead of dreaming about more f*cked up things I'll be granted a one night reprieve from the event horizon sucking out what makes perpetua socorro. hmm... apollo's towel anyone?