64

the questions were, will you still need me, will you still feed me when i'm 64? the simple answer is yes.

my mother would've been 64 today had she lived. when we were younger, the Beatles peppered our daily soundtrack and that song was what our parents sort of teased us with. would we still take care of them when they were older? of course we would. back in feb the old man had turned 64 and i always had figured my mother would still be here too. even now, i feel cheated in the knowledge i can't talk to her or ask her questions or eat her ridiculously good leche flan, even the sugar free ones. and my perception of the world just gets wobbly for a bit and the squicky feeling of being abandoned dares to show even for a split of a split second. and i'm not sure what deals i'd make just to ask her what she thought of my life as it is right now. may God forgive me but if it cost lives, particularly mine first, i'd do it. and it's not melodrama, i just may be bat sh!t crazy.
we went to rosehill after pepe got picked up. we took some shots of capt morgan pineapple flavored. it gave me a headache; probably because it was too damn sweet. and i sat on the porch afterwards and smoked a cancerstick and let the old man make me laugh. dawn made spaghetti with unbroken strands like we always do on someone's birthday. and i washed all the dishes and cleared the dining room and prayed it'd stay that way but knowing it won't. tomorrow i'll get up again with the same aching joints and i think it's just a sinister form of depression, the kind that let's you think you're ok but slowly you get fat because you're not doing anything to combat the passive depression so you sit on your ass and rely on that super-NOT-metabolism. and then you'll really be sporting a sad face, sad fat face.
but hey harvey junior is sort of working and it wasn't a total waste to get 2gb of ram for him. and my laundry's done and put away. the kitchen is relatively clean. everyone's lunch has been prepared and each person told which one was theirs but all ziti with the spaghetti sauce because that was 3lbs of meat. whoops... uge-wan gets an apple & ritz baked crackers. grapegum gets a banana & 3 munchkins [if you go to the gym, i'll pack donuts for your snack too]. madratter got the sliced apple because she's like 5 years old and all that's missing is the caramel dip. giant got no pasta as that's too much meat for him already so he gets the turkey & cheese sandwich with carrot sticks for a snack. he'll pick his own fruit. everything's good. except for the part where my mother is dead.

but tomorrow's another day and we'll try again.
happy birthday ma. i wish i could threaten to put you in a home when you misbehave because depending on my tone of voice and your mood, you either laughed or glared. anyway, come visit. i swear, um scratch that, i hope i won't run out of the room. lol

mother you left me, but i never left you. 2344/121408