loneliness and betrayal

it's late. i've watched 4 episodes of Angel. i'm sleepy. i can't sleep.

you know this has happened before, the whole catapulted out of a group where i thought i belonged and now the cheese stands alone bit. except back then i had a back up social life, mostly due to the fact i lived on a happenin' street. easton ave saved me back then, and my roommates at the time. naz, dra, and trini had their own thing so while stable was not always present. i'm not sure dra even saw my house back then. anyway, some friends had deemed me unworthy of their companionship due to the whole catching feelings for a boy, a boy!! ugh, SO high school without the witty Dawson's Creek banter. and i had felt so lonely and out of place all of a sudden. and only adam was around and i was so weak. i didn't belong anywhere and while a part of me wanted to beg for forgiveness to be taken back into the fold, my own pride had me stick to the choice i made and even that was sour when it ended but we're ok now. adam and me i mean, and really what ending isn't sour?! but i had missed my so called friends at the time and i'm not sure if i remember crying about lost friendships. tears do sizzle up in that infernal rage i tend to keep stoked in me. i probably did cry, for like 2 seconds. what was i going to return to anyway?

and now i'm here again. let that be a lesson, NEVER put 95% of who you think you are in one leaky basket. i cringe when i hear the word hotel and i hope that wears out. and what do you know, they are slandering who i was there. can i sue for that? i'm probably never going to get a job in the city ever again if that jerk has a say in it. is blacklisting illegal? a part of me doesn't even want to bother... feelings of indignation and rage welling up past the apathy when giant whispered in the middle of the night that i was going to let them get away with it. i'm not sure what he wants me to do about it and i'm pretty sure stalking and torturing them to death are not viable solutions. squelch that pesky rage though... but still, not going to go with that particular base desire. i got that from adam, anger is a secondary emotion.

primary emotions being, loneliness and betrayal. i got no one to talk to these days, except for the few friends i've managed to keep either because i don't tell 'em stuff like above and those are just the mushy feeling ones. or because they do know and are not put off by it. having this in print will bite my ass someday, i just know it. persona non grata, betrayal, i existed because i was there. and now that i'm not, they don't talk to me anymore. people got short memories or they're just dicks. and yet that doesn't make me feel any better. and idk how giant talks to me half the time without wanting to strangle me because there is a vital link missing between my brain and my mouth and common sense and self preservation. nobody understands that the only time they are connected is if i write it down and constantly look at it to prevent myself from putting my whole leg into my mouth. and yet i could run a front office staff for a 600 room hotel easy. and now gone. and still i can't cultivate healthy relationships. betrayal from a person who called me their right hand man then threw me under the bus when it suited her better. i can't stand people with no honor.

maybe i was meant to be a loner. either that or i've let that f*cking hotel and it's so called f*ck up "leaders" run my life for too long and now i think i can't do a damn thing without them. why the f*ck did i ever want their approval? or their damn acceptance for that matter. parag: calling him an asshole is like saying a quadriplegic is handicapped. big old duh. and hello kitty nazi, well hell if my roommate's dad was a vp of a hotel company... i'd have me a sweet set up too. just do the world and hskpg a favor, come out of the closet & stop touching everyone's asses. and for someone who "hates" parag, she sure is becoming just as slimy as that bastard.

i forgot what i had said within the first year i worked at the hotel. to be a "successful" manager *there* one had to be an asshole. not just your everyday variety. the ass kissing, back stabbing, whispered paranoia inducing, political type of asshole. and yes i thought i could make a difference there but i failed to recognize a losing battle when i saw it.

i am many things, many qualities. not all of them shiny. but asshole i aint.
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