Freedom - Day 29

into the wee hours we meet again friend.

anyway, sunday was spent mostly conscious at rosehill. i took some photos, posted them on facebook. spent a long time with the old man listening to the trees and overhead planes. i was trying to be a good kid and listen to the wisdom my old man has learned in his life. he asked us this morning if anyone wanted breakfast and i had yelled out i wanted the eggs he was cooking. he said "sure thing sweetheart" and did his i'm an funny crazy guy chuckle and said "f*ck you man." hahaha he's the best comedian i know. it's all about the delivery. i'm not sure if there were any lessons today since he just wanted to chat and reminisce. but last week's sermon was that no matter how close you are to someone, you will have things you just have to keep to yourself until you shrug off this mortal coil. my father has secrets apparently.

anyway, i drank my crappacino while he talked. i call it that because it inevitably always leads me running to the porcelain god for an offering. and now that i think of it, i reckon that odwalla green superfood i drank hours later didn't help to settle my stomach. the dangers of sharting i tell ya. where was i?! oh yeah, we went to best buy and i got myself a 6-1 card reader. this way i won't have to rely on grapegum knowing the whereabouts of the family card reader. currently it's location is unknown. i then had fired up the skype with giant; see his sexy ass on screen. my inner voyeur approves. i had started to watch firefly, ended up watching the first 6 episodes. it's a space western! it's got joss whedon all over it and it occurred to me that if you watch enough sci-fi/fantasy... you see the same actors. but it never gets old.

i should get to bed. i have yet to pick up my fossil watch on 5th ave; it's been there a week. i didn't even bother calling. hopefully i get it back. they hadn't called with any problems anyway. hopefully my stomach would've settled by then. that french onion soup from saturday night probably started the gastric discomfort i'm in. bad choice champ.

fight 'em til you can't, yeehaw! 0216hrs

Freedom - Day 28: the walk that never happened

10.25.08 was supposed to be the Diabetes Walk in bridgewater. too bad it wasn't there when we got there. grapegum isn't sure if they had canceled it last minute due to the wanna be monsoon weather but she had thought they'd walk at -20 deg weather so what's a little rain & 65 deg weather? regardless, no joy there. felt bad that ugo-wan, wife, and their young padawan [pepe] had come to participate and it was a bust. we went to a reo diner & grapegum & i split the bill. they took the night off, lost moolah and got nothing but dinner. madratter was there too, we picked her ass up after work. stupid backseat was covered in purple balloons. grapegum was a bunch of grapes for vram's party down in hillsborough. she had the pepe blowing balloons with her this morning; making a grand old mess in the living room.

on other news, i woke up this morning from a really strange dream. madratter did her requisite point and laugh when i told her, said something about me being f*cked or whatever. i can't quote sh!t to save my life according to them. i think i just don't care to listen half the time but i digress. i dreamt i was in a cage, not like jail cage, an actual free standing cage. there was noise, not sure from where but other prisoners? my capturers? guards? i knew we were below ground. looked down on my feet and legs, realized 2 things. i was naked and i was most definitely male. so i tested the bars, shaking them slightly to see if i had my strength. the bars surprised me, i mean how could i, a *vampire* be held by such human means? i started to put effort into it now, using my right arm, shaking the bars in anger and trying to actually break it off. and i started to really yell in anger. i think someone was coming to investigate the noise i was making too... before i woke up from the noise the other house occupants were making downstairs. i really should sleep with the door closed but so far i haven't made any progress in convincing myself there's nothing in the dark that would hurt me.

seriously, how come i never have lucid dreams? you'd think if i'm coherent or cognizant or whatever other c word there is describing my awareness during a dream that i'd bloody realize i am actually dreaming! hello?! vampire?!? male??? naked?! and not one of those description words tipped off my subconscious to say hey doofus you're dreaming. it's like when i dreamt i was the first mate of a pirate ship that ran aground in some unknown island & some of the crew were the fd staff. and why a male vampire?! lol...jeeez. twisted much?

pfft, fight 'em til you can't! 0209hrs.

Freedom - Day 25

well today was a bust, i think. i didn't wake up until around 11:30am. of course, i went to sleep a little past 6am so i guess i've been up longer than i thought. i heard madratter and the old man stirring about, she was going to work at noon. i didn't bother getting up, my muscles felt stiff but i felt better even after so little sleep. probably because giant was kind enough to talk until i fell asleep. over the phone, but we take what we can get. right champ? i did get up, got myself something to eat. on the menu, chinese take out since it was technically lunchtime. just b/cuz i got up later, doesn't mean i can't have lunch. the old man bought it from the de lee [aka the deli].

yesterday's retail therapy was a by product of having a crappy day, that's my diagnostic assessment in layman's terms. i'm no doctor after all. but dizziness, some lost balance, no pain per se, usual soreness, generally felt like i was in a fog. i thought a warm shower and a walk to the mall would help. the cold crisp air certainly woke me up, until i went into the mall and the controlled environment pulled me back to feeling wonky. madratter took my bp 113/75, within the normal range but on the lower spectrum. and then i couldn't sleep through the night, i felt like i could run a marathon. and i was itching for a fight, anything that would get my arms moving. i settled for tinkering through my stuff. let ocd run it's course. i did get some stuff done but i couldn't tackle under my bed because it would've been too much noise. i did find a rutgers hat in my closet so that solves the mystery of me thinking i had a hat b/cuz i actually did. i let redpod run to, um, red and then plugged it in to charge & put a timer on it just so i could have some background ambiance. you all know i'm a big fan of ringing silences. not!

today was good, felt better. i still don't drink nearly enough water. area of improvement there. but i did pay my cell phone bill and to my own relief, i don't need to pay direct loans until december because being so forgetful, i actually paid 4 months worth in 2 days back in the beginning of september. i'm glad, i thought i'd have to deduct more money from my dwindling account. i also mailed the october payment to the middlesex county special civil unit via grapegum. AND deposited 2 of my paychecks. hurrah! i was productive! and only a teeny bit of retail therapy today. i bought the Firefly series from target but got the discount so only paid $22 for it. i'm going to watch that and then i figure i should go see about watching Bones since hell, david boreanaz is on it and color me a fan of him. and we did walk to the bank and the grocery store. if it's not far, don't take the car! and yay for burning calories, however minimal. madratter said grapegum was trying to distance herself from the rest of us lazy a-holes by working out and going to the gym. it annoys me on some level that grapegum could probably kick my ass, unless i go ape sh!t and turn lady hulk on her. ok well not exactly like that but you know what i mean...

further on the to do list:
- tackling the fridges. both of them could use a good cleaning.
- dry cleaning needs to be dropped off.
- maintenance needs to be called to service our central heat or lack thereof.
- i'm thinking assisted sleeping since i can't sleep. i hate using them though.
- launder the sheets.
- resumes, insert wherever the hell the accent mark goes.
- pick up my watch from fossil store.

good news:
i saw an old to do list that i had posted on facebook [current stalkerville, i mean social e-community] and i've accomplished getting my passport, getting an eye check complete with new contacts & glasses, AND contact people i've been meaning to contact. mel c and romain certainly count so yay! i'm not gonna be an old bitter biddy so :::raspberry:::!

did i mention that i've been dressing in nothing but t-shirts and jeans? for so long it's been pj's and button down shirts/suit jackets matching pants & shoes that i had forgotten the simple pleasure of layered comfy cotton against skin and not having to worry about getting food on my pants. i love it. i'm wearing t-shirts til i puke. =)

2340hrs.

Freedom - Day 24: Retail Therapy

i'm more than familiar with this concept, sadly enough. cheated on, retail therapy. relationship ending, retail therapy. got promoted, retail therapy. death of a parent, mondo retail therapy. not working, retail therapy.

anyway. let's list the damage shall we?
claire's: jewelry organizer that hangs in a lovely black star shape & blue knee high socks with blue from foster's imaginary friends.
coach: black small purse, have had my eye on it for ages. no time like the present. if i die tomorrow, they can bury me with it with one of my journals. or frak it, give it to someone who'll use it. and give the journals to someone who'll find them funny.
garage: i know i know... i do occasionally shop there. bought myself a pink plaid button down & a tank top.
dsw.com: blowfish hey now boots in black. they were $10 cheaper than anywhere else & with shipping costs still $3 cheaper. now just need skirts that look good with tall boots and some thicker leggings as it's getting nippy out.

now up for debate, a bluetooth headset. due to the nature of my injury, talking on the phone with it wedged between my shoulder & ear is no longer acceptable as it just aggravates my neck. also of course, with the final quarter of the year upon us there will be a plethora of cell phones released for holiday consumption. among those in my network, salivating worthy of course, are the blackberry bold, at&t quickfire [aka utstarcomm knick], and the press released just last night samsung epix [consumer named as the blackjack 3, bj III tee hee]. the last 2 are touchscreen(!) but of course RIM always makes fantastic phones. too bad the storm went to verizon. or the touch diamond to sprint. no word on the se xperia x1. i'd get that bad girl just for the name ;-)

taken off to buy list is a new digital camera on account of the fact i have woefully underused my fantastic olympus camera. i dug up the box & installed the software that came with it. nifty features in the software to finalize the awesome photos i'll be taking... pfft, as if! also, never realized there was a built in guide in the camera itself as well as an advanced manual in cd-rom form that came along with the camera. i really should get rid of that annoying propensity to open up my new tech toys and NOT read instructions or anything else for that matter.

recently bought: creative live! cam pro for notebooks. pretty good quality except no built in microphone like my old logitech. but it did come with a headset, which means i have to be plugged into my laptop to talk to people. whatever, i pretty much use it for skype anyway.

etc:
- famous dave's and I are not friends. whatever their recipes use makes me puke or sh!t. i went 2x just to make sure & both times i got sick. can't deny it's good eating tho...
- because i'm not working, i'm sliding back to being the vampire that i am. up all night, sleepy at dawn, and skin as cold as ice.
- i think i'd get more done on my to do list if i write it down but don't look at it to check it off. does that make sense? make a master list and then write down what i've completed.
- i found my star trek space pen that bibs gave to me for christmas back in high school! it was in my coach wristlet this whole time! duh, it makes sense since it's so damn small, i'd put the smallest pen i own in it. Mama said, always carry i pen. you'll never know who'll want your autograph.
- i'm doing better making payments on old debts. i've tried to figure out where i am financially and i've got 2 checks allotted for the next 2 months rent. i thought i had another check but i could be mistaken. until then i will continue to tear through my stuff for that elusive check. also, the macy's card i got from adam and josh last christmas is missing. i found the one from ruby tuesday but no joy on the macy's. i was thinking of getting coco chanel fragrance with it.
- i think i have enough time to learn a language before i go to work, what do you think? i told madratter that we should learn a language nobody else knows. more importantly i should learn a language i want to learn.
- due to my own ineptitude of keeping track of time, in the grand scheme of things, i have missed the window to take my fsd exam in brooklyn. i can't say that i'm disappointed honestly. if they give me crap about wasting company money regarding that class, i believe there are 2 current employees who never even went to the class despite the fact the hotel paid for them both up front.
- i've been gone 24 days. let me list the people who are on the christmas list for giving 2 craps about me as a person and maybe friend. chasing amy, rabbit, cougar, big d, on karen, & tony g. natdog didn't contact me until i extended the sick leave further than 14 days and come to think of it, beeler has been off the radar too despite the xanax sharing & biofreeze giving. then again, natdog has roach burns and the latter is off his rocker so i suppose they also fall in the category of no concept of stuff around them. but seeing as i'm a whole person they haven't seen in half a minute and not an object, you'd think they'd notice.

oh well. back to a/c fanfic. i'd say it was a revival but i never read them when the show was actually on. one day it was k/l fanfic, then i just decided vampire goodness was in order.

fight 'em til you can't. 2131hrs.

capital D for disability

well, i've got the ball going. i'm filing for disability on monday with hr. i'm feeling marginally better. got a check up yesterday, got more meds. that was nice. uh-oh, haven't had that filled out yet. i also have a 5-6mm cyst on my kidney which is by 2 doctor's opinions no point of concern. we will test in one year's time and hopefully i stop shaking the salt shaker like maracas and drink more water. 2 things i so don't do. dr norman is going to help me file for disability. i have to bring my notes etc.

it's funny. i've been at my job for 4 and a half years. and aside from my resume and a handful of friends for the foreseeable future, i don't even have any satisfaction to show for it. i was joking with giant that the end of this job will just be like bsg. sad, bitter, and everyone dead. and he had said, hopefully not the latter. i had said, yeah i don't have those double leg holsters ala lara croft. oh well... anyway, the players involved almost guarantee that the ending will not be pretty. and i'm too far removed to give a sh!t.

fight 'em til you can't. 101008/1911hrs

turning leaves

well well well... had an ultrasound scheduled. unfortunately i still don't know the results as they had no film when they were done with the tests so i couldn't get a copy. i should hope my doctor would call me if there was something wrong. either that or my father is completely correct in his assessment that the secretary at his office is for crap and record keeping is spotty at best.

i'm out from work for 2 weeks, scheduled to return on 10/13. what's great about the whole situation is that the lady boss is going to hold this against me. apparently she doesn't understand the horrific beautiful truth about calling out sick is (1) it's unexpected and (2) you can't say/do much about a doctor's note. i can't return to work unless he says so and if do go to work before my time, she'll have an hr matter. let's ignore the fact hr asked me if i had an std and if needed help to let them know. clearly we have different definitions of herniated disc. anyway... what can i say? professionalism is dead where i work. of course i say that because i've worked too damn long in that place and i'm just fresh out of non-bitter juice. stock full of hater-ade though. God knows i can go on forever about all the wrong things that happen there. i should've just been a lawyer; at least i'd have more money and not have to be categorized with children as my peers. SO yeah, boss lady did not have a great reaction leading to actually a few snarky emails which i did not indulge with a response because i am trying to be adult about the whole thing. and i'm not supposed to be destressing regardless. clearly boss lady took it personally which is completely ridiculous. i'll reserve my thoughts on her appointment on another blog.

i can't say that i miss work. i do miss some of the people, others i had no regard of or opinion otherwise. they could be potted plants for all i care. i would have liked to have been proven wrong about hello kitty nazi [hkn] but i know when i do return, she'll probably make me "pay for it." obviously being sick warrants retribution from upper management. i should've just quit when i did and maybe hkn and i could've been friends. oh well. what's even greater is that i could've taken the time off sooner but there misplaced loyalty on my part, dutifully waiting until everyone came back from vacation til i sprung this sick thing on her. nevermind the fact she sent me home on a monday because i spent a half hour clutching my sides in pain (completely masking my panic attack mind you, which no one knew about). or i have been updating her about it. or the fact that she let 2 mgrs go take time off regardless of lack of staffing because the other reason for time off was soooo valid. the next time i want to take time off i'll let hkn know my boyfriend's in town. losers, i can't stand them. the situation's so f*ed up, it's just laughable. i hesitate to believe her being so obtuse about things, but obviously i don't need to hesitate any longer. i should also add selfish and self serving to that list of characteristics. and if were 10 yrs old and ignorant, i'd call her retarded.

really the only left to do is brush myself off, pick up my stuff, clean up my desk, and realize that sometimes the brightest light comes from a burning bridge.

fight 'em til you can't. 100308/1841hrs