Another year over. I hate to say it but my life is fragmented to before and after my mother's passing. I suppose that's normal and I really do miss her.
So, what have you done?
Well for the first 11 months of the year, I was employed at the Cancermount. It was a job and not a career and I am no longer there. Management was littered with people who did NOT earn their titles and were full of bs. The douche of operations said all the time anybody can do the procedures but it's the person that gives the job meaning. Unfortunately, he was more of the do as I say not as I do type of "leader" so right there was a recipe for disaster. The Cancermount had the uncanny combo of bad product, deceitful people & learned helplessness. And as annoying as the whole situation has put me, I know I am much better off. Now I can regain some of that tainted moral fiber, business ethics, and quality of life I was trying to protect in the first place.
I've been to 2 Broadway plays: The 39 Steps, an Alfred Hitchcock based play. Wonderfully witty and surprisingly funny. I was hoping for a nap during the play but it was quite good. Also, Avenue Q which I already knew was going to be funny. Nothing like humping muppets to get you laughing from your belly. Plus one of the bellmen burned me the whole soundtrack from the play so I got a souvenier for free.
Four concerts this year: Spice Girls in Feb with grapegum, madratter & one of mad's friends, full of teeny boppers & the almost 4o year old set. A great energetic show actually, people dancing in their seats @ Izod. The next 2 concerts were with the sisters & the old man. Eric Clapton down in Holmdel; the REAL guitar hero. He was excellent and forever I will have Wonderful Tonight & the stars above embedded in my mind. It was cold and dark, outdoors y'know, but my God he was unbelievably good. his guitar crying/wailing through the crowd on their feet and his humble thank you at the end of each set. the old man managed to finagle from us girls 2 shirts as souveniers from the show. Later on that week, we went to see the Eagles. for complaining, we ended up with 4 of the best seats on the house. we were 3 rows from stage & my ears rang for a day but it was worth it. AMAZING. Hotel California is truly best live and I almost cried during Desperado. Almost! Then in Oct us girls went to see her Madgesty. Also a good show, production and presentation were great. And I loved how she rocked out her old songs. For an older broad, she is in good shape.
There were several sporting events attended as well. Chief among them was the last home game for RU football, particularly because it's Teel's last game too. And even though we didn't get to attend the Papa John's Bowl, the Knights brought home the title so hurrah! There was a Devils game in there, Nets bball and 3 Yankee games if I'm not mistaken. The best being, of course, on my bday where we had the seats behind first base so that was too cool. I didn't want anything on my bday except quality time with family so I had bought tix to the Yankee game. Good seats cost mad money... And even though I paid $50 for 4 cheesesteaks that day, I got that shot of Jeter adjusting the goods. LOL Hotness...
As 2008 comes to a close, I can't help but breathe a sigh of relief. Because sometimes I need a symbolic fresh start and these days ain't nothing closer to that than the dawn of a new year. 2008 chapter is about to close and while some parts I wouldn't mind re-reading, I can't ever forget any lessons I have learned. And I must always remember that for now, it's better for me to forgive but not forget and if someone who cares for me wants to give me advice I should pay attention and listen. Because it is quite true when they say you can't see the forest from the trees [and you can't smell your own sh!t on your knees lol]. It was a good year, despite some things. Life is pretty gray area-d anyway, there's no such thing as black or white for experiences. I do need to change some things about me though, like that annoying habit of defending things/people/situations that shouldn't be defended and shouldn't be given the benefit of a silver lining spin. I need to build a thicker skin but not lose me. And I need to fight for things I want. Hmm... there's a lot of work to be done but I'm up for it. Especially if it means I could do better.
The hardest thing in the world is to live in it. Let's see what Aurora brings.
Stay tuned for to shanshu in Woodbridge. We'll see how that project goes.
HAPPY 2009!! MAY THE NEW YEAR BRING PEACE, JOY, AND PROSPERITY!!!
thank God, this sh!t is over lol
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
shag her til she cries
the title of this blog was the subject line on a spam email. har har.
Christmas was mostly good. we [me & madratter] made dinner again this year for Christmas Eve since we weren't going to kuya ugo's. his in-laws went to his house & neither side really wanted to drag presents through town & sit in either family's living room bored. but anyway, neni & nang-nang were here as well. we opted for the italian sort of dinner. clam chowder, salmon, pasta, and fried broccoli/cauliflower. and ice cream & pies for dessert. good noche buena. i had invited kuya ugo & fam over but they had declined so there was ALOT of food. i had wanted to have dinner earlier but since we don't open presents til midnight, we had dinner late too. not that we weren't all munching on random items while dinner was being made. and kuya did stop by, ate half the tostitos & dip. mmm spinach. did i mention i went to wegman's christmas eve for dinner shopping earlier in the day? i hate crowds, i get that stuffy, sweaty, gonna pass out or puke feeling in crowds. just don't like being boxed in with a bunch of humans.
we opted for little presents & presents to share with everyone. big ticket items were telescope, DDR for wii, and an exercise stepper. the telescope needs to be set up, which i hope to do this evening [along with laundry, daily cleaning etc]. ddr for wii was funny and the exercise stepper kills! ugh, my muscles still hurt. then of course CDs, dvds of all kinds, socks, calendar, shirts, etc. all in all good. Christmas day was spent vegging around the house, catching a nap here & there. watching sports, eating leftovers. early evening, kuya ugo & clan stopped by with the in-laws. we pulled out the party tray & beers and exchanged presents once more. they hung around for awhile but erika took her parents to her aunt's house where the 3 of them hung out. kuya & the kiddies were left here where we tried out lightsaber duels and ddr. good quality family time.
on the 27th, we all trekked out to Queens to Bomba & Uncle John's. we were still wrapping presents that morning & the night before we had stayed up watching a George Lopez comedy special til 3am. naturally we didn't get there at 1pm like she asked & got there at 3:30pm due to horrendous NY traffic. it was a good thing Giant got there & helped the old folks out with party prep. Bomba turned 80 this past summer, Uncle John will be 91 in April. it was fun seeing the boys again. baby Justin works at a gym now, helping girls with their squats. i forgot how fresh almost 19 yr old boys were. janne got big, like linebacker big. both my godbros got pretty solid actually. adam & josh were friendlier this year, maybe they were pms-ing last year. josh was noticeably taller. and tita evil was moderately more human this year. considering she lives in heaven most of the time, she had human characteristics down pat. and no, we did not give her red wine [aka the Blood of Christ] and manna with quail eggs for a gift basket either. i'm pretty sure all i've said were blasphemous but if y'all ever met her, you'd be hard pressed to believe she was a human being too. ugh, anyway i played nice & she did give me the bbq stick that i couldn't reach over the table. that's good enough for both of us. Uncle John gave me a PBA mag, told me to read it. i think he wants me to be a cop & justin had perked up to the possibility of being a P.I. toots as usual was quiet & full of blessings. and my godfadda & wife were good, tita cay was thankful for the presents. we gave them more this year on account some of them were housewarming presents. they had moved to a gigantor house in annandale. family picture frame & ABBA cd are good hey congrats on the new house sentiments lol.
i didn't put my christmas lights, again. madratter said she couldn't find the new britney cd & grapegum even mentioned she wouldn't mind going to a britney concert. lol, cuz there would be a CIRCUS in the show! Christmas week started with a family outing to Nets vs. Rockets, which the Nets lost. and the 26th, us girls only went to see Nets vs. Bobcats which they also lost. btw, they lost against Bulls last night too. 5th worse for home games but 3rd best for away games. go figure. next week I think we're all going to Devils vs. Senators so we shall see.
i love this time of year. i wish we had leche flan though. God, I miss her.
Christmas was mostly good. we [me & madratter] made dinner again this year for Christmas Eve since we weren't going to kuya ugo's. his in-laws went to his house & neither side really wanted to drag presents through town & sit in either family's living room bored. but anyway, neni & nang-nang were here as well. we opted for the italian sort of dinner. clam chowder, salmon, pasta, and fried broccoli/cauliflower. and ice cream & pies for dessert. good noche buena. i had invited kuya ugo & fam over but they had declined so there was ALOT of food. i had wanted to have dinner earlier but since we don't open presents til midnight, we had dinner late too. not that we weren't all munching on random items while dinner was being made. and kuya did stop by, ate half the tostitos & dip. mmm spinach. did i mention i went to wegman's christmas eve for dinner shopping earlier in the day? i hate crowds, i get that stuffy, sweaty, gonna pass out or puke feeling in crowds. just don't like being boxed in with a bunch of humans.
we opted for little presents & presents to share with everyone. big ticket items were telescope, DDR for wii, and an exercise stepper. the telescope needs to be set up, which i hope to do this evening [along with laundry, daily cleaning etc]. ddr for wii was funny and the exercise stepper kills! ugh, my muscles still hurt. then of course CDs, dvds of all kinds, socks, calendar, shirts, etc. all in all good. Christmas day was spent vegging around the house, catching a nap here & there. watching sports, eating leftovers. early evening, kuya ugo & clan stopped by with the in-laws. we pulled out the party tray & beers and exchanged presents once more. they hung around for awhile but erika took her parents to her aunt's house where the 3 of them hung out. kuya & the kiddies were left here where we tried out lightsaber duels and ddr. good quality family time.
on the 27th, we all trekked out to Queens to Bomba & Uncle John's. we were still wrapping presents that morning & the night before we had stayed up watching a George Lopez comedy special til 3am. naturally we didn't get there at 1pm like she asked & got there at 3:30pm due to horrendous NY traffic. it was a good thing Giant got there & helped the old folks out with party prep. Bomba turned 80 this past summer, Uncle John will be 91 in April. it was fun seeing the boys again. baby Justin works at a gym now, helping girls with their squats. i forgot how fresh almost 19 yr old boys were. janne got big, like linebacker big. both my godbros got pretty solid actually. adam & josh were friendlier this year, maybe they were pms-ing last year. josh was noticeably taller. and tita evil was moderately more human this year. considering she lives in heaven most of the time, she had human characteristics down pat. and no, we did not give her red wine [aka the Blood of Christ] and manna with quail eggs for a gift basket either. i'm pretty sure all i've said were blasphemous but if y'all ever met her, you'd be hard pressed to believe she was a human being too. ugh, anyway i played nice & she did give me the bbq stick that i couldn't reach over the table. that's good enough for both of us. Uncle John gave me a PBA mag, told me to read it. i think he wants me to be a cop & justin had perked up to the possibility of being a P.I. toots as usual was quiet & full of blessings. and my godfadda & wife were good, tita cay was thankful for the presents. we gave them more this year on account some of them were housewarming presents. they had moved to a gigantor house in annandale. family picture frame & ABBA cd are good hey congrats on the new house sentiments lol.
i didn't put my christmas lights, again. madratter said she couldn't find the new britney cd & grapegum even mentioned she wouldn't mind going to a britney concert. lol, cuz there would be a CIRCUS in the show! Christmas week started with a family outing to Nets vs. Rockets, which the Nets lost. and the 26th, us girls only went to see Nets vs. Bobcats which they also lost. btw, they lost against Bulls last night too. 5th worse for home games but 3rd best for away games. go figure. next week I think we're all going to Devils vs. Senators so we shall see.
i love this time of year. i wish we had leche flan though. God, I miss her.
Monday, December 22, 2008
twenty
20 years today, 12/21/1988 arrived at JFK to 41 deg weather. I thought I was going to freeze to death, totally foreign concept to me at the time. now I roll with the sweatshirts in that kind of weather. when we were in Alaska, the old man insisted we keep our jackets on since there was snow. outside. so we sweated in our jackets and sweaters and Ma bought us kids ice cream. the woman looking at her children had pity in her eyes, I had sweat in mine. the old man freaked naturally, like we'll catch our death by eating ice cream in the presence of snow. btw, artificial heat is a STRANGE concept for people who grew up in a perpetually warm environment. did not even think it was possible. lol
grapegum said she was bitter about Ma not making it to our 20th year. the old man just said it was a shame, so close. I wonder how we would've celebrated today had she still been alive.
did you know my mother had made a tinsel Christmas tree when we were younger? she put the tree together by hand, with tinsel. how? painstakingly. she even made all the ornaments, by hand also. pity we had to leave it behind when we moved here. back then, I thought we were going on vacation considering it was going to be holiday break for school. little did I know we weren't coming back and 20 years later I'm trying to figure out how I had breathed in that humid tropical air.
the tree is still fake and the tinsel is scattered throughout. the ornaments are not handmade but they're shiny, glittery balls and tiny wrapped presents. there's also a whole Nativity set hanging somewhere in there and a too big yellow submarine. there's multicolored lights and presents stocked at the foot in different wrapping papers. the fridges are stocked with food too, for Christmas morning. I think I'm still within Christmas budget. forgot what it was like to keep track of money, the anal kind of way.
hmm...need a haircut. it's down to the small of my back again. took only 6 months this time. shoot.
*fight 'em til you can't* or happy holidays ;-)
122208/1243h
grapegum said she was bitter about Ma not making it to our 20th year. the old man just said it was a shame, so close. I wonder how we would've celebrated today had she still been alive.
did you know my mother had made a tinsel Christmas tree when we were younger? she put the tree together by hand, with tinsel. how? painstakingly. she even made all the ornaments, by hand also. pity we had to leave it behind when we moved here. back then, I thought we were going on vacation considering it was going to be holiday break for school. little did I know we weren't coming back and 20 years later I'm trying to figure out how I had breathed in that humid tropical air.
the tree is still fake and the tinsel is scattered throughout. the ornaments are not handmade but they're shiny, glittery balls and tiny wrapped presents. there's also a whole Nativity set hanging somewhere in there and a too big yellow submarine. there's multicolored lights and presents stocked at the foot in different wrapping papers. the fridges are stocked with food too, for Christmas morning. I think I'm still within Christmas budget. forgot what it was like to keep track of money, the anal kind of way.
hmm...need a haircut. it's down to the small of my back again. took only 6 months this time. shoot.
*fight 'em til you can't* or happy holidays ;-)
122208/1243h
Thursday, December 18, 2008
loneliness and betrayal
it's late. i've watched 4 episodes of Angel. i'm sleepy. i can't sleep.
you know this has happened before, the whole catapulted out of a group where i thought i belonged and now the cheese stands alone bit. except back then i had a back up social life, mostly due to the fact i lived on a happenin' street. easton ave saved me back then, and my roommates at the time. naz, dra, and trini had their own thing so while stable was not always present. i'm not sure dra even saw my house back then. anyway, some friends had deemed me unworthy of their companionship due to the whole catching feelings for a boy, a boy!! ugh, SO high school without the witty Dawson's Creek banter. and i had felt so lonely and out of place all of a sudden. and only adam was around and i was so weak. i didn't belong anywhere and while a part of me wanted to beg for forgiveness to be taken back into the fold, my own pride had me stick to the choice i made and even that was sour when it ended but we're ok now. adam and me i mean, and really what ending isn't sour?! but i had missed my so called friends at the time and i'm not sure if i remember crying about lost friendships. tears do sizzle up in that infernal rage i tend to keep stoked in me. i probably did cry, for like 2 seconds. what was i going to return to anyway?
and now i'm here again. let that be a lesson, NEVER put 95% of who you think you are in one leaky basket. i cringe when i hear the word hotel and i hope that wears out. and what do you know, they are slandering who i was there. can i sue for that? i'm probably never going to get a job in the city ever again if that jerk has a say in it. is blacklisting illegal? a part of me doesn't even want to bother... feelings of indignation and rage welling up past the apathy when giant whispered in the middle of the night that i was going to let them get away with it. i'm not sure what he wants me to do about it and i'm pretty sure stalking and torturing them to death are not viable solutions. squelch that pesky rage though... but still, not going to go with that particular base desire. i got that from adam, anger is a secondary emotion.
primary emotions being, loneliness and betrayal. i got no one to talk to these days, except for the few friends i've managed to keep either because i don't tell 'em stuff like above and those are just the mushy feeling ones. or because they do know and are not put off by it. having this in print will bite my ass someday, i just know it. persona non grata, betrayal, i existed because i was there. and now that i'm not, they don't talk to me anymore. people got short memories or they're just dicks. and yet that doesn't make me feel any better. and idk how giant talks to me half the time without wanting to strangle me because there is a vital link missing between my brain and my mouth and common sense and self preservation. nobody understands that the only time they are connected is if i write it down and constantly look at it to prevent myself from putting my whole leg into my mouth. and yet i could run a front office staff for a 600 room hotel easy. and now gone. and still i can't cultivate healthy relationships. betrayal from a person who called me their right hand man then threw me under the bus when it suited her better. i can't stand people with no honor.
maybe i was meant to be a loner. either that or i've let that f*cking hotel and it's so called f*ck up "leaders" run my life for too long and now i think i can't do a damn thing without them. why the f*ck did i ever want their approval? or their damn acceptance for that matter. parag: calling him an asshole is like saying a quadriplegic is handicapped. big old duh. and hello kitty nazi, well hell if my roommate's dad was a vp of a hotel company... i'd have me a sweet set up too. just do the world and hskpg a favor, come out of the closet & stop touching everyone's asses. and for someone who "hates" parag, she sure is becoming just as slimy as that bastard.
i forgot what i had said within the first year i worked at the hotel. to be a "successful" manager *there* one had to be an asshole. not just your everyday variety. the ass kissing, back stabbing, whispered paranoia inducing, political type of asshole. and yes i thought i could make a difference there but i failed to recognize a losing battle when i saw it.
i am many things, many qualities. not all of them shiny. but asshole i aint.
0211/121808
you know this has happened before, the whole catapulted out of a group where i thought i belonged and now the cheese stands alone bit. except back then i had a back up social life, mostly due to the fact i lived on a happenin' street. easton ave saved me back then, and my roommates at the time. naz, dra, and trini had their own thing so while stable was not always present. i'm not sure dra even saw my house back then. anyway, some friends had deemed me unworthy of their companionship due to the whole catching feelings for a boy, a boy!! ugh, SO high school without the witty Dawson's Creek banter. and i had felt so lonely and out of place all of a sudden. and only adam was around and i was so weak. i didn't belong anywhere and while a part of me wanted to beg for forgiveness to be taken back into the fold, my own pride had me stick to the choice i made and even that was sour when it ended but we're ok now. adam and me i mean, and really what ending isn't sour?! but i had missed my so called friends at the time and i'm not sure if i remember crying about lost friendships. tears do sizzle up in that infernal rage i tend to keep stoked in me. i probably did cry, for like 2 seconds. what was i going to return to anyway?
and now i'm here again. let that be a lesson, NEVER put 95% of who you think you are in one leaky basket. i cringe when i hear the word hotel and i hope that wears out. and what do you know, they are slandering who i was there. can i sue for that? i'm probably never going to get a job in the city ever again if that jerk has a say in it. is blacklisting illegal? a part of me doesn't even want to bother... feelings of indignation and rage welling up past the apathy when giant whispered in the middle of the night that i was going to let them get away with it. i'm not sure what he wants me to do about it and i'm pretty sure stalking and torturing them to death are not viable solutions. squelch that pesky rage though... but still, not going to go with that particular base desire. i got that from adam, anger is a secondary emotion.
primary emotions being, loneliness and betrayal. i got no one to talk to these days, except for the few friends i've managed to keep either because i don't tell 'em stuff like above and those are just the mushy feeling ones. or because they do know and are not put off by it. having this in print will bite my ass someday, i just know it. persona non grata, betrayal, i existed because i was there. and now that i'm not, they don't talk to me anymore. people got short memories or they're just dicks. and yet that doesn't make me feel any better. and idk how giant talks to me half the time without wanting to strangle me because there is a vital link missing between my brain and my mouth and common sense and self preservation. nobody understands that the only time they are connected is if i write it down and constantly look at it to prevent myself from putting my whole leg into my mouth. and yet i could run a front office staff for a 600 room hotel easy. and now gone. and still i can't cultivate healthy relationships. betrayal from a person who called me their right hand man then threw me under the bus when it suited her better. i can't stand people with no honor.
maybe i was meant to be a loner. either that or i've let that f*cking hotel and it's so called f*ck up "leaders" run my life for too long and now i think i can't do a damn thing without them. why the f*ck did i ever want their approval? or their damn acceptance for that matter. parag: calling him an asshole is like saying a quadriplegic is handicapped. big old duh. and hello kitty nazi, well hell if my roommate's dad was a vp of a hotel company... i'd have me a sweet set up too. just do the world and hskpg a favor, come out of the closet & stop touching everyone's asses. and for someone who "hates" parag, she sure is becoming just as slimy as that bastard.
i forgot what i had said within the first year i worked at the hotel. to be a "successful" manager *there* one had to be an asshole. not just your everyday variety. the ass kissing, back stabbing, whispered paranoia inducing, political type of asshole. and yes i thought i could make a difference there but i failed to recognize a losing battle when i saw it.
i am many things, many qualities. not all of them shiny. but asshole i aint.
0211/121808
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
keep moving or die standing.
keep moving or die standing. that's what i said to queenliz last night. the bleakness of the job market really really sucks. and after all my hard work, my own personal w&h are trying to make sure i don't ever work in this town again. some things in life really tries your patience and i'm equal parts apathetic and homicidal about it.
the old man went to work even though he didn't want to. claimed he didn't want to call out either but that his back was killing him. he then asked me if it was in his head, answering him with a vague "partly" not really caring to explain myself since i was elbow deep at the sink cleaning up dishes. he walked away, and i felt guilty about not taking a hand in convincing himself not to work today. he came back down dressed for work and said maybe it was because he hadn't moved the whole time he was sleeping so i just kept my mouth shut. i sent my usual silent prayer up to God asking Him to make sure he got back home tonight.
today was a rather useless day, aside from washing dishes I had done none of what I had intended to do. the snow put me off but I actually was awake amazingly early but curled up under my blanket. got to keep on moving. the y has an annual resident fee of $366 and retro fitness has a $19.99/month membership fee. the old man pointed out i was lacking discipline and told me to sign up my depressed ass over to the gym and pay someone to yell up to stop being a lard ass. not that i'm actually a lard ass but if this economy doesn't improve, give me a few months and i will be.
i did get my christmas present via ups today, from moi of course. i got the entire Angel the Series dvd set. amazon had a *crazy* ass sale a few days ago so i got it. i doubt the price would drop any lower unless there's some new fangled technology out there for mass consumption where the episodes can just be beamed into our heads. this act is also a prime example of how childish - read between the lines, selfish - i can be as my present came before everyone elses. as in theirs are still all at the stores while mine is sitting in its boxed glory at my side table.
had a small spat with madratter about her attitude. she got mad i yelled at her and i told her that's how she communicates with the rest of us, by yelling. so i thought it prudent to get my point across by yelling. and let's face it, i'm a few bats short of belfry regarding my own temper and i *am* the loudest of the five by far. but anyway i told her calmly, loosely used here, that she has a bad attitude talking to people that way probably because she never got the beatings we used to get as kids. and the old man never disciplines her because she's the youngest like he is with his siblings. and in my head if ma were here she would've gotten a smack in the mouth already. her response to my lecture was taking out my christmas presents that she hid in the closet, throwing one of them at me and declaring she would return the others. i picked up the Beetle Bard book [which i knew she had bought already, sister sense], put it on top of her dresser & told her i didn't want it if that was her childish reaction to something as inane as don't put the empty bowl on the edge of the couch. she's still a god damned kid.
anyhoot. trying to bounce around ideas in my head for the story i'm working on. expanded version from a dream i had a few weeks back, the one where madratter said i was f*cked in the head when i told her about it. first and last line should be the same, i decided. also, i should continue to write during my enforced exile from the working world and pray pray to God that i get unemployment. but my naive self can't seem to grasp the fact that some people may not like me or respect me enough that they would actively put negativity in my life. then there's the picking up my old hobbies, like making earrings. i had toyed with the idea of making pepe a dreamcatcher and aside from giant's mumbled witchcraft comment, i simply don't have enough time to fashion one. plus not sure where my fine wire is although it literally just occurred to me to use yarn or colored string for the web. and i volunteered myself to kuya to pick up his wife's t&co gift on 5th ave. idk why but since i will be out there at some point before christmas i may as well. this way i won't feel like i have to hang around the house waiting for his delivery even though i have nowhere else to go. missed rabbit's call around 10-11pm. dates and times don't matter much to the unemployed. i shall strive to remember to call her tomorrow evening.
previews: end of the year recap. little things. resolutions.
keep moving or die standing. OR was it, stand your ground and die trying? lol
121608/2355
the old man went to work even though he didn't want to. claimed he didn't want to call out either but that his back was killing him. he then asked me if it was in his head, answering him with a vague "partly" not really caring to explain myself since i was elbow deep at the sink cleaning up dishes. he walked away, and i felt guilty about not taking a hand in convincing himself not to work today. he came back down dressed for work and said maybe it was because he hadn't moved the whole time he was sleeping so i just kept my mouth shut. i sent my usual silent prayer up to God asking Him to make sure he got back home tonight.
today was a rather useless day, aside from washing dishes I had done none of what I had intended to do. the snow put me off but I actually was awake amazingly early but curled up under my blanket. got to keep on moving. the y has an annual resident fee of $366 and retro fitness has a $19.99/month membership fee. the old man pointed out i was lacking discipline and told me to sign up my depressed ass over to the gym and pay someone to yell up to stop being a lard ass. not that i'm actually a lard ass but if this economy doesn't improve, give me a few months and i will be.
i did get my christmas present via ups today, from moi of course. i got the entire Angel the Series dvd set. amazon had a *crazy* ass sale a few days ago so i got it. i doubt the price would drop any lower unless there's some new fangled technology out there for mass consumption where the episodes can just be beamed into our heads. this act is also a prime example of how childish - read between the lines, selfish - i can be as my present came before everyone elses. as in theirs are still all at the stores while mine is sitting in its boxed glory at my side table.
had a small spat with madratter about her attitude. she got mad i yelled at her and i told her that's how she communicates with the rest of us, by yelling. so i thought it prudent to get my point across by yelling. and let's face it, i'm a few bats short of belfry regarding my own temper and i *am* the loudest of the five by far. but anyway i told her calmly, loosely used here, that she has a bad attitude talking to people that way probably because she never got the beatings we used to get as kids. and the old man never disciplines her because she's the youngest like he is with his siblings. and in my head if ma were here she would've gotten a smack in the mouth already. her response to my lecture was taking out my christmas presents that she hid in the closet, throwing one of them at me and declaring she would return the others. i picked up the Beetle Bard book [which i knew she had bought already, sister sense], put it on top of her dresser & told her i didn't want it if that was her childish reaction to something as inane as don't put the empty bowl on the edge of the couch. she's still a god damned kid.
anyhoot. trying to bounce around ideas in my head for the story i'm working on. expanded version from a dream i had a few weeks back, the one where madratter said i was f*cked in the head when i told her about it. first and last line should be the same, i decided. also, i should continue to write during my enforced exile from the working world and pray pray to God that i get unemployment. but my naive self can't seem to grasp the fact that some people may not like me or respect me enough that they would actively put negativity in my life. then there's the picking up my old hobbies, like making earrings. i had toyed with the idea of making pepe a dreamcatcher and aside from giant's mumbled witchcraft comment, i simply don't have enough time to fashion one. plus not sure where my fine wire is although it literally just occurred to me to use yarn or colored string for the web. and i volunteered myself to kuya to pick up his wife's t&co gift on 5th ave. idk why but since i will be out there at some point before christmas i may as well. this way i won't feel like i have to hang around the house waiting for his delivery even though i have nowhere else to go. missed rabbit's call around 10-11pm. dates and times don't matter much to the unemployed. i shall strive to remember to call her tomorrow evening.
previews: end of the year recap. little things. resolutions.
keep moving or die standing. OR was it, stand your ground and die trying? lol
121608/2355
Sunday, December 14, 2008
64
the questions were, will you still need me, will you still feed me when i'm 64? the simple answer is yes.
my mother would've been 64 today had she lived. when we were younger, the Beatles peppered our daily soundtrack and that song was what our parents sort of teased us with. would we still take care of them when they were older? of course we would. back in feb the old man had turned 64 and i always had figured my mother would still be here too. even now, i feel cheated in the knowledge i can't talk to her or ask her questions or eat her ridiculously good leche flan, even the sugar free ones. and my perception of the world just gets wobbly for a bit and the squicky feeling of being abandoned dares to show even for a split of a split second. and i'm not sure what deals i'd make just to ask her what she thought of my life as it is right now. may God forgive me but if it cost lives, particularly mine first, i'd do it. and it's not melodrama, i just may be bat sh!t crazy.
we went to rosehill after pepe got picked up. we took some shots of capt morgan pineapple flavored. it gave me a headache; probably because it was too damn sweet. and i sat on the porch afterwards and smoked a cancerstick and let the old man make me laugh. dawn made spaghetti with unbroken strands like we always do on someone's birthday. and i washed all the dishes and cleared the dining room and prayed it'd stay that way but knowing it won't. tomorrow i'll get up again with the same aching joints and i think it's just a sinister form of depression, the kind that let's you think you're ok but slowly you get fat because you're not doing anything to combat the passive depression so you sit on your ass and rely on that super-NOT-metabolism. and then you'll really be sporting a sad face, sad fat face.
but hey harvey junior is sort of working and it wasn't a total waste to get 2gb of ram for him. and my laundry's done and put away. the kitchen is relatively clean. everyone's lunch has been prepared and each person told which one was theirs but all ziti with the spaghetti sauce because that was 3lbs of meat. whoops... uge-wan gets an apple & ritz baked crackers. grapegum gets a banana & 3 munchkins [if you go to the gym, i'll pack donuts for your snack too]. madratter got the sliced apple because she's like 5 years old and all that's missing is the caramel dip. giant got no pasta as that's too much meat for him already so he gets the turkey & cheese sandwich with carrot sticks for a snack. he'll pick his own fruit. everything's good. except for the part where my mother is dead.
but tomorrow's another day and we'll try again.
happy birthday ma. i wish i could threaten to put you in a home when you misbehave because depending on my tone of voice and your mood, you either laughed or glared. anyway, come visit. i swear, um scratch that, i hope i won't run out of the room. lol
mother you left me, but i never left you. 2344/121408
my mother would've been 64 today had she lived. when we were younger, the Beatles peppered our daily soundtrack and that song was what our parents sort of teased us with. would we still take care of them when they were older? of course we would. back in feb the old man had turned 64 and i always had figured my mother would still be here too. even now, i feel cheated in the knowledge i can't talk to her or ask her questions or eat her ridiculously good leche flan, even the sugar free ones. and my perception of the world just gets wobbly for a bit and the squicky feeling of being abandoned dares to show even for a split of a split second. and i'm not sure what deals i'd make just to ask her what she thought of my life as it is right now. may God forgive me but if it cost lives, particularly mine first, i'd do it. and it's not melodrama, i just may be bat sh!t crazy.
we went to rosehill after pepe got picked up. we took some shots of capt morgan pineapple flavored. it gave me a headache; probably because it was too damn sweet. and i sat on the porch afterwards and smoked a cancerstick and let the old man make me laugh. dawn made spaghetti with unbroken strands like we always do on someone's birthday. and i washed all the dishes and cleared the dining room and prayed it'd stay that way but knowing it won't. tomorrow i'll get up again with the same aching joints and i think it's just a sinister form of depression, the kind that let's you think you're ok but slowly you get fat because you're not doing anything to combat the passive depression so you sit on your ass and rely on that super-NOT-metabolism. and then you'll really be sporting a sad face, sad fat face.
but hey harvey junior is sort of working and it wasn't a total waste to get 2gb of ram for him. and my laundry's done and put away. the kitchen is relatively clean. everyone's lunch has been prepared and each person told which one was theirs but all ziti with the spaghetti sauce because that was 3lbs of meat. whoops... uge-wan gets an apple & ritz baked crackers. grapegum gets a banana & 3 munchkins [if you go to the gym, i'll pack donuts for your snack too]. madratter got the sliced apple because she's like 5 years old and all that's missing is the caramel dip. giant got no pasta as that's too much meat for him already so he gets the turkey & cheese sandwich with carrot sticks for a snack. he'll pick his own fruit. everything's good. except for the part where my mother is dead.
but tomorrow's another day and we'll try again.
happy birthday ma. i wish i could threaten to put you in a home when you misbehave because depending on my tone of voice and your mood, you either laughed or glared. anyway, come visit. i swear, um scratch that, i hope i won't run out of the room. lol
mother you left me, but i never left you. 2344/121408
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Eagles morning
on the iPod, The Eagles' hits. for the past week I've woken up to ABBA from the old man cranking up the tunes downstairs in the big player. Don Henley singing "Desperado" during the concert will be right up there as best all time life memories. Along with Eric Clapton singing "Wonderful Tonight" and I looked up to a starry night.
the to-do list is getting quite massive but they're getting done at least. yesterday i tried to complete my mandatory phone call application to NY unemployment office. with thousands of people unemployed, the system puts you on hold & if it can't locate an open operator it'll tell you to call back in 15 min and then disconnect you. hopefully i'm more successful today.
i'm still sleeping with the door open and the closet light on, although in a stroke of genius [a really slow stroke] I put some tissue paper of the gift wrapping variety just on the uppermost part of the door. the light is angled just so that when I'm lying in bed not sleeping late at night, it hits my eyes. so now it's muted by tissue paper with snowflakes patterned across it and I don't have to hide under my blanket to get some darkness.
my Dell RAM is shipping out late, annoying. probably mentioned that already since I'm really annoyed. one of the few purchases I made on black Friday, which I learned is called that after an old accounting practice of marking costs with red ink and profits with black ink in the books. the other modest purchases I made were at Target: Goonies, The Devil Wears Prada, Iron Man. what I really wanted was the Dell Mini 9, originally planned to buy that on the account of having a job but oh well.
the Christmas budget went up: $261.12. that's how much spare change I had in my room! all in random vessels, old Christmas box, plastic bag under the dresser, and an actual piggy bank. so yay! we must be more thought oriented this year considering the bank balance. but I do so love giving presents especially when it's something the person would enjoy. we will have to pool money with the siblings for the extended family and in-laws. sheesh, last year I gave uge-wan $300 for a snowboard alone. goes to show how I love giving presents or how much I love certain people. what? I'm emotionally constipated; I can't show affection any other way. well I could, but I'd rather not have to kill unless absolutely necessary.
was talking to chasingamy last night and she'd suggested even though we can't go and do our Fifth Ave shopping for that ONE thing we could afford Christmas extravaganza, we could still capture the Christmas spirit. we could still go see the Rockefeller tree, have some D&D coffee or cocoa & have a hopefully cheap but good lunch. there are times I hope to be as self-assure as her. I also know if she read this, she'd scoff since there are bad days & maybe she doesn't think of herself that way some days but she's a woman who knows what's good for her. she told me hkn asked how I was doing & how the communist said she didn't know "they" were going to do this to me when she went on vacation. complete horsepoop as department heads aren't left out of monumental decisions such as this. plus the little tidbit she let slip to chasingamy before leaving for her vaca was more than enough proof she knew beforehand. chasingamy is a good friend, called hkn on her sh!t & said if you thought soco was such an unreliable flake then why'd you put her in charge of so much crap. defending me and poking another hole in hkn's faulty logic, if she had any to begin with. people who don't stand for anything fall for everything and I actually pity hkn for how she is. when I first met her I thought she was just a victim of her youth but really she's just a scummy idiot. speaking of which, I realized yesterday that since I'm no longer anyone's boss I don't have to bite my tongue about any of the other morons and low lives I met there. how utterly satisfying to tell lesliegirl what I really thought of alex. LOL
it's getting close to the end of the year blog, the rundown of all things good and bad, lessons learned from 2008. most times when I remember to do the end of the year blog, I start composing it ahead of time because I can't remember it all in one sitting. I'll probably just do a rundown, mind dump, Doogie blog. or not. whatever heh heh. I need to get off my ass if I want said ass to fit in something summery by the end of the month. if all goes well, I'm going to be on a jet plane after Christmas. in the meantime, chasingamy suggested the Special K diet. uge-wan managed to eat only one bowl of oatmeal this morning [he said he was on detox hahahaha] & I've already dug out the perfect push up, the exercise ball, and resistance bands for his fat ass. the fridge door has some explicit picture instructions: feed cat, kill Dawn, water plant, and make fatboy slim. we can't exactly do the 2nd, but we've all ignored the last for too long.
little things (about daily life):
- Shimmy has a pet rock, no idea where she got it as she's an indoor cat. but sure enough, she was playing with a rock that is way too big to have been caught in someone's shoe. cat magic I guess.
- beer bottles, I keep finding them everywhere. grapegum & the old man leave them wherever they finished drinking it. I told him that this morning, and the cheeky response I got in tagalog was it's good to be buzzed. there are still 2.5 cases in the kitchen. *sigh* it's annoying enough they have that talking bottle opener which can be heard all the way upstairs behind closed doors.
- where did my collection of mugs go? the Star Trek mugs! lol... and my X-Files mug that changes the message on the side when you pour hot water in it.
"I suffered fools so gladly. And now I find, I've changed my mind."
120208/1122
the to-do list is getting quite massive but they're getting done at least. yesterday i tried to complete my mandatory phone call application to NY unemployment office. with thousands of people unemployed, the system puts you on hold & if it can't locate an open operator it'll tell you to call back in 15 min and then disconnect you. hopefully i'm more successful today.
i'm still sleeping with the door open and the closet light on, although in a stroke of genius [a really slow stroke] I put some tissue paper of the gift wrapping variety just on the uppermost part of the door. the light is angled just so that when I'm lying in bed not sleeping late at night, it hits my eyes. so now it's muted by tissue paper with snowflakes patterned across it and I don't have to hide under my blanket to get some darkness.
my Dell RAM is shipping out late, annoying. probably mentioned that already since I'm really annoyed. one of the few purchases I made on black Friday, which I learned is called that after an old accounting practice of marking costs with red ink and profits with black ink in the books. the other modest purchases I made were at Target: Goonies, The Devil Wears Prada, Iron Man. what I really wanted was the Dell Mini 9, originally planned to buy that on the account of having a job but oh well.
the Christmas budget went up: $261.12. that's how much spare change I had in my room! all in random vessels, old Christmas box, plastic bag under the dresser, and an actual piggy bank. so yay! we must be more thought oriented this year considering the bank balance. but I do so love giving presents especially when it's something the person would enjoy. we will have to pool money with the siblings for the extended family and in-laws. sheesh, last year I gave uge-wan $300 for a snowboard alone. goes to show how I love giving presents or how much I love certain people. what? I'm emotionally constipated; I can't show affection any other way. well I could, but I'd rather not have to kill unless absolutely necessary.
was talking to chasingamy last night and she'd suggested even though we can't go and do our Fifth Ave shopping for that ONE thing we could afford Christmas extravaganza, we could still capture the Christmas spirit. we could still go see the Rockefeller tree, have some D&D coffee or cocoa & have a hopefully cheap but good lunch. there are times I hope to be as self-assure as her. I also know if she read this, she'd scoff since there are bad days & maybe she doesn't think of herself that way some days but she's a woman who knows what's good for her. she told me hkn asked how I was doing & how the communist said she didn't know "they" were going to do this to me when she went on vacation. complete horsepoop as department heads aren't left out of monumental decisions such as this. plus the little tidbit she let slip to chasingamy before leaving for her vaca was more than enough proof she knew beforehand. chasingamy is a good friend, called hkn on her sh!t & said if you thought soco was such an unreliable flake then why'd you put her in charge of so much crap. defending me and poking another hole in hkn's faulty logic, if she had any to begin with. people who don't stand for anything fall for everything and I actually pity hkn for how she is. when I first met her I thought she was just a victim of her youth but really she's just a scummy idiot. speaking of which, I realized yesterday that since I'm no longer anyone's boss I don't have to bite my tongue about any of the other morons and low lives I met there. how utterly satisfying to tell lesliegirl what I really thought of alex. LOL
it's getting close to the end of the year blog, the rundown of all things good and bad, lessons learned from 2008. most times when I remember to do the end of the year blog, I start composing it ahead of time because I can't remember it all in one sitting. I'll probably just do a rundown, mind dump, Doogie blog. or not. whatever heh heh. I need to get off my ass if I want said ass to fit in something summery by the end of the month. if all goes well, I'm going to be on a jet plane after Christmas. in the meantime, chasingamy suggested the Special K diet. uge-wan managed to eat only one bowl of oatmeal this morning [he said he was on detox hahahaha] & I've already dug out the perfect push up, the exercise ball, and resistance bands for his fat ass. the fridge door has some explicit picture instructions: feed cat, kill Dawn, water plant, and make fatboy slim. we can't exactly do the 2nd, but we've all ignored the last for too long.
little things (about daily life):
- Shimmy has a pet rock, no idea where she got it as she's an indoor cat. but sure enough, she was playing with a rock that is way too big to have been caught in someone's shoe. cat magic I guess.
- beer bottles, I keep finding them everywhere. grapegum & the old man leave them wherever they finished drinking it. I told him that this morning, and the cheeky response I got in tagalog was it's good to be buzzed. there are still 2.5 cases in the kitchen. *sigh* it's annoying enough they have that talking bottle opener which can be heard all the way upstairs behind closed doors.
- where did my collection of mugs go? the Star Trek mugs! lol... and my X-Files mug that changes the message on the side when you pour hot water in it.
"I suffered fools so gladly. And now I find, I've changed my mind."
120208/1122
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