Another year over. I hate to say it but my life is fragmented to before and after my mother's passing. I suppose that's normal and I really do miss her.
So, what have you done?
Well for the first 11 months of the year, I was employed at the Cancermount. It was a job and not a career and I am no longer there. Management was littered with people who did NOT earn their titles and were full of bs. The douche of operations said all the time anybody can do the procedures but it's the person that gives the job meaning. Unfortunately, he was more of the do as I say not as I do type of "leader" so right there was a recipe for disaster. The Cancermount had the uncanny combo of bad product, deceitful people & learned helplessness. And as annoying as the whole situation has put me, I know I am much better off. Now I can regain some of that tainted moral fiber, business ethics, and quality of life I was trying to protect in the first place.
I've been to 2 Broadway plays: The 39 Steps, an Alfred Hitchcock based play. Wonderfully witty and surprisingly funny. I was hoping for a nap during the play but it was quite good. Also, Avenue Q which I already knew was going to be funny. Nothing like humping muppets to get you laughing from your belly. Plus one of the bellmen burned me the whole soundtrack from the play so I got a souvenier for free.
Four concerts this year: Spice Girls in Feb with grapegum, madratter & one of mad's friends, full of teeny boppers & the almost 4o year old set. A great energetic show actually, people dancing in their seats @ Izod. The next 2 concerts were with the sisters & the old man. Eric Clapton down in Holmdel; the REAL guitar hero. He was excellent and forever I will have Wonderful Tonight & the stars above embedded in my mind. It was cold and dark, outdoors y'know, but my God he was unbelievably good. his guitar crying/wailing through the crowd on their feet and his humble thank you at the end of each set. the old man managed to finagle from us girls 2 shirts as souveniers from the show. Later on that week, we went to see the Eagles. for complaining, we ended up with 4 of the best seats on the house. we were 3 rows from stage & my ears rang for a day but it was worth it. AMAZING. Hotel California is truly best live and I almost cried during Desperado. Almost! Then in Oct us girls went to see her Madgesty. Also a good show, production and presentation were great. And I loved how she rocked out her old songs. For an older broad, she is in good shape.
There were several sporting events attended as well. Chief among them was the last home game for RU football, particularly because it's Teel's last game too. And even though we didn't get to attend the Papa John's Bowl, the Knights brought home the title so hurrah! There was a Devils game in there, Nets bball and 3 Yankee games if I'm not mistaken. The best being, of course, on my bday where we had the seats behind first base so that was too cool. I didn't want anything on my bday except quality time with family so I had bought tix to the Yankee game. Good seats cost mad money... And even though I paid $50 for 4 cheesesteaks that day, I got that shot of Jeter adjusting the goods. LOL Hotness...
As 2008 comes to a close, I can't help but breathe a sigh of relief. Because sometimes I need a symbolic fresh start and these days ain't nothing closer to that than the dawn of a new year. 2008 chapter is about to close and while some parts I wouldn't mind re-reading, I can't ever forget any lessons I have learned. And I must always remember that for now, it's better for me to forgive but not forget and if someone who cares for me wants to give me advice I should pay attention and listen. Because it is quite true when they say you can't see the forest from the trees [and you can't smell your own sh!t on your knees lol]. It was a good year, despite some things. Life is pretty gray area-d anyway, there's no such thing as black or white for experiences. I do need to change some things about me though, like that annoying habit of defending things/people/situations that shouldn't be defended and shouldn't be given the benefit of a silver lining spin. I need to build a thicker skin but not lose me. And I need to fight for things I want. Hmm... there's a lot of work to be done but I'm up for it. Especially if it means I could do better.
The hardest thing in the world is to live in it. Let's see what Aurora brings.
Stay tuned for to shanshu in Woodbridge. We'll see how that project goes.
HAPPY 2009!! MAY THE NEW YEAR BRING PEACE, JOY, AND PROSPERITY!!!
thank God, this sh!t is over lol
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
shag her til she cries
the title of this blog was the subject line on a spam email. har har.
Christmas was mostly good. we [me & madratter] made dinner again this year for Christmas Eve since we weren't going to kuya ugo's. his in-laws went to his house & neither side really wanted to drag presents through town & sit in either family's living room bored. but anyway, neni & nang-nang were here as well. we opted for the italian sort of dinner. clam chowder, salmon, pasta, and fried broccoli/cauliflower. and ice cream & pies for dessert. good noche buena. i had invited kuya ugo & fam over but they had declined so there was ALOT of food. i had wanted to have dinner earlier but since we don't open presents til midnight, we had dinner late too. not that we weren't all munching on random items while dinner was being made. and kuya did stop by, ate half the tostitos & dip. mmm spinach. did i mention i went to wegman's christmas eve for dinner shopping earlier in the day? i hate crowds, i get that stuffy, sweaty, gonna pass out or puke feeling in crowds. just don't like being boxed in with a bunch of humans.
we opted for little presents & presents to share with everyone. big ticket items were telescope, DDR for wii, and an exercise stepper. the telescope needs to be set up, which i hope to do this evening [along with laundry, daily cleaning etc]. ddr for wii was funny and the exercise stepper kills! ugh, my muscles still hurt. then of course CDs, dvds of all kinds, socks, calendar, shirts, etc. all in all good. Christmas day was spent vegging around the house, catching a nap here & there. watching sports, eating leftovers. early evening, kuya ugo & clan stopped by with the in-laws. we pulled out the party tray & beers and exchanged presents once more. they hung around for awhile but erika took her parents to her aunt's house where the 3 of them hung out. kuya & the kiddies were left here where we tried out lightsaber duels and ddr. good quality family time.
on the 27th, we all trekked out to Queens to Bomba & Uncle John's. we were still wrapping presents that morning & the night before we had stayed up watching a George Lopez comedy special til 3am. naturally we didn't get there at 1pm like she asked & got there at 3:30pm due to horrendous NY traffic. it was a good thing Giant got there & helped the old folks out with party prep. Bomba turned 80 this past summer, Uncle John will be 91 in April. it was fun seeing the boys again. baby Justin works at a gym now, helping girls with their squats. i forgot how fresh almost 19 yr old boys were. janne got big, like linebacker big. both my godbros got pretty solid actually. adam & josh were friendlier this year, maybe they were pms-ing last year. josh was noticeably taller. and tita evil was moderately more human this year. considering she lives in heaven most of the time, she had human characteristics down pat. and no, we did not give her red wine [aka the Blood of Christ] and manna with quail eggs for a gift basket either. i'm pretty sure all i've said were blasphemous but if y'all ever met her, you'd be hard pressed to believe she was a human being too. ugh, anyway i played nice & she did give me the bbq stick that i couldn't reach over the table. that's good enough for both of us. Uncle John gave me a PBA mag, told me to read it. i think he wants me to be a cop & justin had perked up to the possibility of being a P.I. toots as usual was quiet & full of blessings. and my godfadda & wife were good, tita cay was thankful for the presents. we gave them more this year on account some of them were housewarming presents. they had moved to a gigantor house in annandale. family picture frame & ABBA cd are good hey congrats on the new house sentiments lol.
i didn't put my christmas lights, again. madratter said she couldn't find the new britney cd & grapegum even mentioned she wouldn't mind going to a britney concert. lol, cuz there would be a CIRCUS in the show! Christmas week started with a family outing to Nets vs. Rockets, which the Nets lost. and the 26th, us girls only went to see Nets vs. Bobcats which they also lost. btw, they lost against Bulls last night too. 5th worse for home games but 3rd best for away games. go figure. next week I think we're all going to Devils vs. Senators so we shall see.
i love this time of year. i wish we had leche flan though. God, I miss her.
Christmas was mostly good. we [me & madratter] made dinner again this year for Christmas Eve since we weren't going to kuya ugo's. his in-laws went to his house & neither side really wanted to drag presents through town & sit in either family's living room bored. but anyway, neni & nang-nang were here as well. we opted for the italian sort of dinner. clam chowder, salmon, pasta, and fried broccoli/cauliflower. and ice cream & pies for dessert. good noche buena. i had invited kuya ugo & fam over but they had declined so there was ALOT of food. i had wanted to have dinner earlier but since we don't open presents til midnight, we had dinner late too. not that we weren't all munching on random items while dinner was being made. and kuya did stop by, ate half the tostitos & dip. mmm spinach. did i mention i went to wegman's christmas eve for dinner shopping earlier in the day? i hate crowds, i get that stuffy, sweaty, gonna pass out or puke feeling in crowds. just don't like being boxed in with a bunch of humans.
we opted for little presents & presents to share with everyone. big ticket items were telescope, DDR for wii, and an exercise stepper. the telescope needs to be set up, which i hope to do this evening [along with laundry, daily cleaning etc]. ddr for wii was funny and the exercise stepper kills! ugh, my muscles still hurt. then of course CDs, dvds of all kinds, socks, calendar, shirts, etc. all in all good. Christmas day was spent vegging around the house, catching a nap here & there. watching sports, eating leftovers. early evening, kuya ugo & clan stopped by with the in-laws. we pulled out the party tray & beers and exchanged presents once more. they hung around for awhile but erika took her parents to her aunt's house where the 3 of them hung out. kuya & the kiddies were left here where we tried out lightsaber duels and ddr. good quality family time.
on the 27th, we all trekked out to Queens to Bomba & Uncle John's. we were still wrapping presents that morning & the night before we had stayed up watching a George Lopez comedy special til 3am. naturally we didn't get there at 1pm like she asked & got there at 3:30pm due to horrendous NY traffic. it was a good thing Giant got there & helped the old folks out with party prep. Bomba turned 80 this past summer, Uncle John will be 91 in April. it was fun seeing the boys again. baby Justin works at a gym now, helping girls with their squats. i forgot how fresh almost 19 yr old boys were. janne got big, like linebacker big. both my godbros got pretty solid actually. adam & josh were friendlier this year, maybe they were pms-ing last year. josh was noticeably taller. and tita evil was moderately more human this year. considering she lives in heaven most of the time, she had human characteristics down pat. and no, we did not give her red wine [aka the Blood of Christ] and manna with quail eggs for a gift basket either. i'm pretty sure all i've said were blasphemous but if y'all ever met her, you'd be hard pressed to believe she was a human being too. ugh, anyway i played nice & she did give me the bbq stick that i couldn't reach over the table. that's good enough for both of us. Uncle John gave me a PBA mag, told me to read it. i think he wants me to be a cop & justin had perked up to the possibility of being a P.I. toots as usual was quiet & full of blessings. and my godfadda & wife were good, tita cay was thankful for the presents. we gave them more this year on account some of them were housewarming presents. they had moved to a gigantor house in annandale. family picture frame & ABBA cd are good hey congrats on the new house sentiments lol.
i didn't put my christmas lights, again. madratter said she couldn't find the new britney cd & grapegum even mentioned she wouldn't mind going to a britney concert. lol, cuz there would be a CIRCUS in the show! Christmas week started with a family outing to Nets vs. Rockets, which the Nets lost. and the 26th, us girls only went to see Nets vs. Bobcats which they also lost. btw, they lost against Bulls last night too. 5th worse for home games but 3rd best for away games. go figure. next week I think we're all going to Devils vs. Senators so we shall see.
i love this time of year. i wish we had leche flan though. God, I miss her.
Monday, December 22, 2008
twenty
20 years today, 12/21/1988 arrived at JFK to 41 deg weather. I thought I was going to freeze to death, totally foreign concept to me at the time. now I roll with the sweatshirts in that kind of weather. when we were in Alaska, the old man insisted we keep our jackets on since there was snow. outside. so we sweated in our jackets and sweaters and Ma bought us kids ice cream. the woman looking at her children had pity in her eyes, I had sweat in mine. the old man freaked naturally, like we'll catch our death by eating ice cream in the presence of snow. btw, artificial heat is a STRANGE concept for people who grew up in a perpetually warm environment. did not even think it was possible. lol
grapegum said she was bitter about Ma not making it to our 20th year. the old man just said it was a shame, so close. I wonder how we would've celebrated today had she still been alive.
did you know my mother had made a tinsel Christmas tree when we were younger? she put the tree together by hand, with tinsel. how? painstakingly. she even made all the ornaments, by hand also. pity we had to leave it behind when we moved here. back then, I thought we were going on vacation considering it was going to be holiday break for school. little did I know we weren't coming back and 20 years later I'm trying to figure out how I had breathed in that humid tropical air.
the tree is still fake and the tinsel is scattered throughout. the ornaments are not handmade but they're shiny, glittery balls and tiny wrapped presents. there's also a whole Nativity set hanging somewhere in there and a too big yellow submarine. there's multicolored lights and presents stocked at the foot in different wrapping papers. the fridges are stocked with food too, for Christmas morning. I think I'm still within Christmas budget. forgot what it was like to keep track of money, the anal kind of way.
hmm...need a haircut. it's down to the small of my back again. took only 6 months this time. shoot.
*fight 'em til you can't* or happy holidays ;-)
122208/1243h
grapegum said she was bitter about Ma not making it to our 20th year. the old man just said it was a shame, so close. I wonder how we would've celebrated today had she still been alive.
did you know my mother had made a tinsel Christmas tree when we were younger? she put the tree together by hand, with tinsel. how? painstakingly. she even made all the ornaments, by hand also. pity we had to leave it behind when we moved here. back then, I thought we were going on vacation considering it was going to be holiday break for school. little did I know we weren't coming back and 20 years later I'm trying to figure out how I had breathed in that humid tropical air.
the tree is still fake and the tinsel is scattered throughout. the ornaments are not handmade but they're shiny, glittery balls and tiny wrapped presents. there's also a whole Nativity set hanging somewhere in there and a too big yellow submarine. there's multicolored lights and presents stocked at the foot in different wrapping papers. the fridges are stocked with food too, for Christmas morning. I think I'm still within Christmas budget. forgot what it was like to keep track of money, the anal kind of way.
hmm...need a haircut. it's down to the small of my back again. took only 6 months this time. shoot.
*fight 'em til you can't* or happy holidays ;-)
122208/1243h
Thursday, December 18, 2008
loneliness and betrayal
it's late. i've watched 4 episodes of Angel. i'm sleepy. i can't sleep.
you know this has happened before, the whole catapulted out of a group where i thought i belonged and now the cheese stands alone bit. except back then i had a back up social life, mostly due to the fact i lived on a happenin' street. easton ave saved me back then, and my roommates at the time. naz, dra, and trini had their own thing so while stable was not always present. i'm not sure dra even saw my house back then. anyway, some friends had deemed me unworthy of their companionship due to the whole catching feelings for a boy, a boy!! ugh, SO high school without the witty Dawson's Creek banter. and i had felt so lonely and out of place all of a sudden. and only adam was around and i was so weak. i didn't belong anywhere and while a part of me wanted to beg for forgiveness to be taken back into the fold, my own pride had me stick to the choice i made and even that was sour when it ended but we're ok now. adam and me i mean, and really what ending isn't sour?! but i had missed my so called friends at the time and i'm not sure if i remember crying about lost friendships. tears do sizzle up in that infernal rage i tend to keep stoked in me. i probably did cry, for like 2 seconds. what was i going to return to anyway?
and now i'm here again. let that be a lesson, NEVER put 95% of who you think you are in one leaky basket. i cringe when i hear the word hotel and i hope that wears out. and what do you know, they are slandering who i was there. can i sue for that? i'm probably never going to get a job in the city ever again if that jerk has a say in it. is blacklisting illegal? a part of me doesn't even want to bother... feelings of indignation and rage welling up past the apathy when giant whispered in the middle of the night that i was going to let them get away with it. i'm not sure what he wants me to do about it and i'm pretty sure stalking and torturing them to death are not viable solutions. squelch that pesky rage though... but still, not going to go with that particular base desire. i got that from adam, anger is a secondary emotion.
primary emotions being, loneliness and betrayal. i got no one to talk to these days, except for the few friends i've managed to keep either because i don't tell 'em stuff like above and those are just the mushy feeling ones. or because they do know and are not put off by it. having this in print will bite my ass someday, i just know it. persona non grata, betrayal, i existed because i was there. and now that i'm not, they don't talk to me anymore. people got short memories or they're just dicks. and yet that doesn't make me feel any better. and idk how giant talks to me half the time without wanting to strangle me because there is a vital link missing between my brain and my mouth and common sense and self preservation. nobody understands that the only time they are connected is if i write it down and constantly look at it to prevent myself from putting my whole leg into my mouth. and yet i could run a front office staff for a 600 room hotel easy. and now gone. and still i can't cultivate healthy relationships. betrayal from a person who called me their right hand man then threw me under the bus when it suited her better. i can't stand people with no honor.
maybe i was meant to be a loner. either that or i've let that f*cking hotel and it's so called f*ck up "leaders" run my life for too long and now i think i can't do a damn thing without them. why the f*ck did i ever want their approval? or their damn acceptance for that matter. parag: calling him an asshole is like saying a quadriplegic is handicapped. big old duh. and hello kitty nazi, well hell if my roommate's dad was a vp of a hotel company... i'd have me a sweet set up too. just do the world and hskpg a favor, come out of the closet & stop touching everyone's asses. and for someone who "hates" parag, she sure is becoming just as slimy as that bastard.
i forgot what i had said within the first year i worked at the hotel. to be a "successful" manager *there* one had to be an asshole. not just your everyday variety. the ass kissing, back stabbing, whispered paranoia inducing, political type of asshole. and yes i thought i could make a difference there but i failed to recognize a losing battle when i saw it.
i am many things, many qualities. not all of them shiny. but asshole i aint.
0211/121808
you know this has happened before, the whole catapulted out of a group where i thought i belonged and now the cheese stands alone bit. except back then i had a back up social life, mostly due to the fact i lived on a happenin' street. easton ave saved me back then, and my roommates at the time. naz, dra, and trini had their own thing so while stable was not always present. i'm not sure dra even saw my house back then. anyway, some friends had deemed me unworthy of their companionship due to the whole catching feelings for a boy, a boy!! ugh, SO high school without the witty Dawson's Creek banter. and i had felt so lonely and out of place all of a sudden. and only adam was around and i was so weak. i didn't belong anywhere and while a part of me wanted to beg for forgiveness to be taken back into the fold, my own pride had me stick to the choice i made and even that was sour when it ended but we're ok now. adam and me i mean, and really what ending isn't sour?! but i had missed my so called friends at the time and i'm not sure if i remember crying about lost friendships. tears do sizzle up in that infernal rage i tend to keep stoked in me. i probably did cry, for like 2 seconds. what was i going to return to anyway?
and now i'm here again. let that be a lesson, NEVER put 95% of who you think you are in one leaky basket. i cringe when i hear the word hotel and i hope that wears out. and what do you know, they are slandering who i was there. can i sue for that? i'm probably never going to get a job in the city ever again if that jerk has a say in it. is blacklisting illegal? a part of me doesn't even want to bother... feelings of indignation and rage welling up past the apathy when giant whispered in the middle of the night that i was going to let them get away with it. i'm not sure what he wants me to do about it and i'm pretty sure stalking and torturing them to death are not viable solutions. squelch that pesky rage though... but still, not going to go with that particular base desire. i got that from adam, anger is a secondary emotion.
primary emotions being, loneliness and betrayal. i got no one to talk to these days, except for the few friends i've managed to keep either because i don't tell 'em stuff like above and those are just the mushy feeling ones. or because they do know and are not put off by it. having this in print will bite my ass someday, i just know it. persona non grata, betrayal, i existed because i was there. and now that i'm not, they don't talk to me anymore. people got short memories or they're just dicks. and yet that doesn't make me feel any better. and idk how giant talks to me half the time without wanting to strangle me because there is a vital link missing between my brain and my mouth and common sense and self preservation. nobody understands that the only time they are connected is if i write it down and constantly look at it to prevent myself from putting my whole leg into my mouth. and yet i could run a front office staff for a 600 room hotel easy. and now gone. and still i can't cultivate healthy relationships. betrayal from a person who called me their right hand man then threw me under the bus when it suited her better. i can't stand people with no honor.
maybe i was meant to be a loner. either that or i've let that f*cking hotel and it's so called f*ck up "leaders" run my life for too long and now i think i can't do a damn thing without them. why the f*ck did i ever want their approval? or their damn acceptance for that matter. parag: calling him an asshole is like saying a quadriplegic is handicapped. big old duh. and hello kitty nazi, well hell if my roommate's dad was a vp of a hotel company... i'd have me a sweet set up too. just do the world and hskpg a favor, come out of the closet & stop touching everyone's asses. and for someone who "hates" parag, she sure is becoming just as slimy as that bastard.
i forgot what i had said within the first year i worked at the hotel. to be a "successful" manager *there* one had to be an asshole. not just your everyday variety. the ass kissing, back stabbing, whispered paranoia inducing, political type of asshole. and yes i thought i could make a difference there but i failed to recognize a losing battle when i saw it.
i am many things, many qualities. not all of them shiny. but asshole i aint.
0211/121808
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
keep moving or die standing.
keep moving or die standing. that's what i said to queenliz last night. the bleakness of the job market really really sucks. and after all my hard work, my own personal w&h are trying to make sure i don't ever work in this town again. some things in life really tries your patience and i'm equal parts apathetic and homicidal about it.
the old man went to work even though he didn't want to. claimed he didn't want to call out either but that his back was killing him. he then asked me if it was in his head, answering him with a vague "partly" not really caring to explain myself since i was elbow deep at the sink cleaning up dishes. he walked away, and i felt guilty about not taking a hand in convincing himself not to work today. he came back down dressed for work and said maybe it was because he hadn't moved the whole time he was sleeping so i just kept my mouth shut. i sent my usual silent prayer up to God asking Him to make sure he got back home tonight.
today was a rather useless day, aside from washing dishes I had done none of what I had intended to do. the snow put me off but I actually was awake amazingly early but curled up under my blanket. got to keep on moving. the y has an annual resident fee of $366 and retro fitness has a $19.99/month membership fee. the old man pointed out i was lacking discipline and told me to sign up my depressed ass over to the gym and pay someone to yell up to stop being a lard ass. not that i'm actually a lard ass but if this economy doesn't improve, give me a few months and i will be.
i did get my christmas present via ups today, from moi of course. i got the entire Angel the Series dvd set. amazon had a *crazy* ass sale a few days ago so i got it. i doubt the price would drop any lower unless there's some new fangled technology out there for mass consumption where the episodes can just be beamed into our heads. this act is also a prime example of how childish - read between the lines, selfish - i can be as my present came before everyone elses. as in theirs are still all at the stores while mine is sitting in its boxed glory at my side table.
had a small spat with madratter about her attitude. she got mad i yelled at her and i told her that's how she communicates with the rest of us, by yelling. so i thought it prudent to get my point across by yelling. and let's face it, i'm a few bats short of belfry regarding my own temper and i *am* the loudest of the five by far. but anyway i told her calmly, loosely used here, that she has a bad attitude talking to people that way probably because she never got the beatings we used to get as kids. and the old man never disciplines her because she's the youngest like he is with his siblings. and in my head if ma were here she would've gotten a smack in the mouth already. her response to my lecture was taking out my christmas presents that she hid in the closet, throwing one of them at me and declaring she would return the others. i picked up the Beetle Bard book [which i knew she had bought already, sister sense], put it on top of her dresser & told her i didn't want it if that was her childish reaction to something as inane as don't put the empty bowl on the edge of the couch. she's still a god damned kid.
anyhoot. trying to bounce around ideas in my head for the story i'm working on. expanded version from a dream i had a few weeks back, the one where madratter said i was f*cked in the head when i told her about it. first and last line should be the same, i decided. also, i should continue to write during my enforced exile from the working world and pray pray to God that i get unemployment. but my naive self can't seem to grasp the fact that some people may not like me or respect me enough that they would actively put negativity in my life. then there's the picking up my old hobbies, like making earrings. i had toyed with the idea of making pepe a dreamcatcher and aside from giant's mumbled witchcraft comment, i simply don't have enough time to fashion one. plus not sure where my fine wire is although it literally just occurred to me to use yarn or colored string for the web. and i volunteered myself to kuya to pick up his wife's t&co gift on 5th ave. idk why but since i will be out there at some point before christmas i may as well. this way i won't feel like i have to hang around the house waiting for his delivery even though i have nowhere else to go. missed rabbit's call around 10-11pm. dates and times don't matter much to the unemployed. i shall strive to remember to call her tomorrow evening.
previews: end of the year recap. little things. resolutions.
keep moving or die standing. OR was it, stand your ground and die trying? lol
121608/2355
the old man went to work even though he didn't want to. claimed he didn't want to call out either but that his back was killing him. he then asked me if it was in his head, answering him with a vague "partly" not really caring to explain myself since i was elbow deep at the sink cleaning up dishes. he walked away, and i felt guilty about not taking a hand in convincing himself not to work today. he came back down dressed for work and said maybe it was because he hadn't moved the whole time he was sleeping so i just kept my mouth shut. i sent my usual silent prayer up to God asking Him to make sure he got back home tonight.
today was a rather useless day, aside from washing dishes I had done none of what I had intended to do. the snow put me off but I actually was awake amazingly early but curled up under my blanket. got to keep on moving. the y has an annual resident fee of $366 and retro fitness has a $19.99/month membership fee. the old man pointed out i was lacking discipline and told me to sign up my depressed ass over to the gym and pay someone to yell up to stop being a lard ass. not that i'm actually a lard ass but if this economy doesn't improve, give me a few months and i will be.
i did get my christmas present via ups today, from moi of course. i got the entire Angel the Series dvd set. amazon had a *crazy* ass sale a few days ago so i got it. i doubt the price would drop any lower unless there's some new fangled technology out there for mass consumption where the episodes can just be beamed into our heads. this act is also a prime example of how childish - read between the lines, selfish - i can be as my present came before everyone elses. as in theirs are still all at the stores while mine is sitting in its boxed glory at my side table.
had a small spat with madratter about her attitude. she got mad i yelled at her and i told her that's how she communicates with the rest of us, by yelling. so i thought it prudent to get my point across by yelling. and let's face it, i'm a few bats short of belfry regarding my own temper and i *am* the loudest of the five by far. but anyway i told her calmly, loosely used here, that she has a bad attitude talking to people that way probably because she never got the beatings we used to get as kids. and the old man never disciplines her because she's the youngest like he is with his siblings. and in my head if ma were here she would've gotten a smack in the mouth already. her response to my lecture was taking out my christmas presents that she hid in the closet, throwing one of them at me and declaring she would return the others. i picked up the Beetle Bard book [which i knew she had bought already, sister sense], put it on top of her dresser & told her i didn't want it if that was her childish reaction to something as inane as don't put the empty bowl on the edge of the couch. she's still a god damned kid.
anyhoot. trying to bounce around ideas in my head for the story i'm working on. expanded version from a dream i had a few weeks back, the one where madratter said i was f*cked in the head when i told her about it. first and last line should be the same, i decided. also, i should continue to write during my enforced exile from the working world and pray pray to God that i get unemployment. but my naive self can't seem to grasp the fact that some people may not like me or respect me enough that they would actively put negativity in my life. then there's the picking up my old hobbies, like making earrings. i had toyed with the idea of making pepe a dreamcatcher and aside from giant's mumbled witchcraft comment, i simply don't have enough time to fashion one. plus not sure where my fine wire is although it literally just occurred to me to use yarn or colored string for the web. and i volunteered myself to kuya to pick up his wife's t&co gift on 5th ave. idk why but since i will be out there at some point before christmas i may as well. this way i won't feel like i have to hang around the house waiting for his delivery even though i have nowhere else to go. missed rabbit's call around 10-11pm. dates and times don't matter much to the unemployed. i shall strive to remember to call her tomorrow evening.
previews: end of the year recap. little things. resolutions.
keep moving or die standing. OR was it, stand your ground and die trying? lol
121608/2355
Sunday, December 14, 2008
64
the questions were, will you still need me, will you still feed me when i'm 64? the simple answer is yes.
my mother would've been 64 today had she lived. when we were younger, the Beatles peppered our daily soundtrack and that song was what our parents sort of teased us with. would we still take care of them when they were older? of course we would. back in feb the old man had turned 64 and i always had figured my mother would still be here too. even now, i feel cheated in the knowledge i can't talk to her or ask her questions or eat her ridiculously good leche flan, even the sugar free ones. and my perception of the world just gets wobbly for a bit and the squicky feeling of being abandoned dares to show even for a split of a split second. and i'm not sure what deals i'd make just to ask her what she thought of my life as it is right now. may God forgive me but if it cost lives, particularly mine first, i'd do it. and it's not melodrama, i just may be bat sh!t crazy.
we went to rosehill after pepe got picked up. we took some shots of capt morgan pineapple flavored. it gave me a headache; probably because it was too damn sweet. and i sat on the porch afterwards and smoked a cancerstick and let the old man make me laugh. dawn made spaghetti with unbroken strands like we always do on someone's birthday. and i washed all the dishes and cleared the dining room and prayed it'd stay that way but knowing it won't. tomorrow i'll get up again with the same aching joints and i think it's just a sinister form of depression, the kind that let's you think you're ok but slowly you get fat because you're not doing anything to combat the passive depression so you sit on your ass and rely on that super-NOT-metabolism. and then you'll really be sporting a sad face, sad fat face.
but hey harvey junior is sort of working and it wasn't a total waste to get 2gb of ram for him. and my laundry's done and put away. the kitchen is relatively clean. everyone's lunch has been prepared and each person told which one was theirs but all ziti with the spaghetti sauce because that was 3lbs of meat. whoops... uge-wan gets an apple & ritz baked crackers. grapegum gets a banana & 3 munchkins [if you go to the gym, i'll pack donuts for your snack too]. madratter got the sliced apple because she's like 5 years old and all that's missing is the caramel dip. giant got no pasta as that's too much meat for him already so he gets the turkey & cheese sandwich with carrot sticks for a snack. he'll pick his own fruit. everything's good. except for the part where my mother is dead.
but tomorrow's another day and we'll try again.
happy birthday ma. i wish i could threaten to put you in a home when you misbehave because depending on my tone of voice and your mood, you either laughed or glared. anyway, come visit. i swear, um scratch that, i hope i won't run out of the room. lol
mother you left me, but i never left you. 2344/121408
my mother would've been 64 today had she lived. when we were younger, the Beatles peppered our daily soundtrack and that song was what our parents sort of teased us with. would we still take care of them when they were older? of course we would. back in feb the old man had turned 64 and i always had figured my mother would still be here too. even now, i feel cheated in the knowledge i can't talk to her or ask her questions or eat her ridiculously good leche flan, even the sugar free ones. and my perception of the world just gets wobbly for a bit and the squicky feeling of being abandoned dares to show even for a split of a split second. and i'm not sure what deals i'd make just to ask her what she thought of my life as it is right now. may God forgive me but if it cost lives, particularly mine first, i'd do it. and it's not melodrama, i just may be bat sh!t crazy.
we went to rosehill after pepe got picked up. we took some shots of capt morgan pineapple flavored. it gave me a headache; probably because it was too damn sweet. and i sat on the porch afterwards and smoked a cancerstick and let the old man make me laugh. dawn made spaghetti with unbroken strands like we always do on someone's birthday. and i washed all the dishes and cleared the dining room and prayed it'd stay that way but knowing it won't. tomorrow i'll get up again with the same aching joints and i think it's just a sinister form of depression, the kind that let's you think you're ok but slowly you get fat because you're not doing anything to combat the passive depression so you sit on your ass and rely on that super-NOT-metabolism. and then you'll really be sporting a sad face, sad fat face.
but hey harvey junior is sort of working and it wasn't a total waste to get 2gb of ram for him. and my laundry's done and put away. the kitchen is relatively clean. everyone's lunch has been prepared and each person told which one was theirs but all ziti with the spaghetti sauce because that was 3lbs of meat. whoops... uge-wan gets an apple & ritz baked crackers. grapegum gets a banana & 3 munchkins [if you go to the gym, i'll pack donuts for your snack too]. madratter got the sliced apple because she's like 5 years old and all that's missing is the caramel dip. giant got no pasta as that's too much meat for him already so he gets the turkey & cheese sandwich with carrot sticks for a snack. he'll pick his own fruit. everything's good. except for the part where my mother is dead.
but tomorrow's another day and we'll try again.
happy birthday ma. i wish i could threaten to put you in a home when you misbehave because depending on my tone of voice and your mood, you either laughed or glared. anyway, come visit. i swear, um scratch that, i hope i won't run out of the room. lol
mother you left me, but i never left you. 2344/121408
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Eagles morning
on the iPod, The Eagles' hits. for the past week I've woken up to ABBA from the old man cranking up the tunes downstairs in the big player. Don Henley singing "Desperado" during the concert will be right up there as best all time life memories. Along with Eric Clapton singing "Wonderful Tonight" and I looked up to a starry night.
the to-do list is getting quite massive but they're getting done at least. yesterday i tried to complete my mandatory phone call application to NY unemployment office. with thousands of people unemployed, the system puts you on hold & if it can't locate an open operator it'll tell you to call back in 15 min and then disconnect you. hopefully i'm more successful today.
i'm still sleeping with the door open and the closet light on, although in a stroke of genius [a really slow stroke] I put some tissue paper of the gift wrapping variety just on the uppermost part of the door. the light is angled just so that when I'm lying in bed not sleeping late at night, it hits my eyes. so now it's muted by tissue paper with snowflakes patterned across it and I don't have to hide under my blanket to get some darkness.
my Dell RAM is shipping out late, annoying. probably mentioned that already since I'm really annoyed. one of the few purchases I made on black Friday, which I learned is called that after an old accounting practice of marking costs with red ink and profits with black ink in the books. the other modest purchases I made were at Target: Goonies, The Devil Wears Prada, Iron Man. what I really wanted was the Dell Mini 9, originally planned to buy that on the account of having a job but oh well.
the Christmas budget went up: $261.12. that's how much spare change I had in my room! all in random vessels, old Christmas box, plastic bag under the dresser, and an actual piggy bank. so yay! we must be more thought oriented this year considering the bank balance. but I do so love giving presents especially when it's something the person would enjoy. we will have to pool money with the siblings for the extended family and in-laws. sheesh, last year I gave uge-wan $300 for a snowboard alone. goes to show how I love giving presents or how much I love certain people. what? I'm emotionally constipated; I can't show affection any other way. well I could, but I'd rather not have to kill unless absolutely necessary.
was talking to chasingamy last night and she'd suggested even though we can't go and do our Fifth Ave shopping for that ONE thing we could afford Christmas extravaganza, we could still capture the Christmas spirit. we could still go see the Rockefeller tree, have some D&D coffee or cocoa & have a hopefully cheap but good lunch. there are times I hope to be as self-assure as her. I also know if she read this, she'd scoff since there are bad days & maybe she doesn't think of herself that way some days but she's a woman who knows what's good for her. she told me hkn asked how I was doing & how the communist said she didn't know "they" were going to do this to me when she went on vacation. complete horsepoop as department heads aren't left out of monumental decisions such as this. plus the little tidbit she let slip to chasingamy before leaving for her vaca was more than enough proof she knew beforehand. chasingamy is a good friend, called hkn on her sh!t & said if you thought soco was such an unreliable flake then why'd you put her in charge of so much crap. defending me and poking another hole in hkn's faulty logic, if she had any to begin with. people who don't stand for anything fall for everything and I actually pity hkn for how she is. when I first met her I thought she was just a victim of her youth but really she's just a scummy idiot. speaking of which, I realized yesterday that since I'm no longer anyone's boss I don't have to bite my tongue about any of the other morons and low lives I met there. how utterly satisfying to tell lesliegirl what I really thought of alex. LOL
it's getting close to the end of the year blog, the rundown of all things good and bad, lessons learned from 2008. most times when I remember to do the end of the year blog, I start composing it ahead of time because I can't remember it all in one sitting. I'll probably just do a rundown, mind dump, Doogie blog. or not. whatever heh heh. I need to get off my ass if I want said ass to fit in something summery by the end of the month. if all goes well, I'm going to be on a jet plane after Christmas. in the meantime, chasingamy suggested the Special K diet. uge-wan managed to eat only one bowl of oatmeal this morning [he said he was on detox hahahaha] & I've already dug out the perfect push up, the exercise ball, and resistance bands for his fat ass. the fridge door has some explicit picture instructions: feed cat, kill Dawn, water plant, and make fatboy slim. we can't exactly do the 2nd, but we've all ignored the last for too long.
little things (about daily life):
- Shimmy has a pet rock, no idea where she got it as she's an indoor cat. but sure enough, she was playing with a rock that is way too big to have been caught in someone's shoe. cat magic I guess.
- beer bottles, I keep finding them everywhere. grapegum & the old man leave them wherever they finished drinking it. I told him that this morning, and the cheeky response I got in tagalog was it's good to be buzzed. there are still 2.5 cases in the kitchen. *sigh* it's annoying enough they have that talking bottle opener which can be heard all the way upstairs behind closed doors.
- where did my collection of mugs go? the Star Trek mugs! lol... and my X-Files mug that changes the message on the side when you pour hot water in it.
"I suffered fools so gladly. And now I find, I've changed my mind."
120208/1122
the to-do list is getting quite massive but they're getting done at least. yesterday i tried to complete my mandatory phone call application to NY unemployment office. with thousands of people unemployed, the system puts you on hold & if it can't locate an open operator it'll tell you to call back in 15 min and then disconnect you. hopefully i'm more successful today.
i'm still sleeping with the door open and the closet light on, although in a stroke of genius [a really slow stroke] I put some tissue paper of the gift wrapping variety just on the uppermost part of the door. the light is angled just so that when I'm lying in bed not sleeping late at night, it hits my eyes. so now it's muted by tissue paper with snowflakes patterned across it and I don't have to hide under my blanket to get some darkness.
my Dell RAM is shipping out late, annoying. probably mentioned that already since I'm really annoyed. one of the few purchases I made on black Friday, which I learned is called that after an old accounting practice of marking costs with red ink and profits with black ink in the books. the other modest purchases I made were at Target: Goonies, The Devil Wears Prada, Iron Man. what I really wanted was the Dell Mini 9, originally planned to buy that on the account of having a job but oh well.
the Christmas budget went up: $261.12. that's how much spare change I had in my room! all in random vessels, old Christmas box, plastic bag under the dresser, and an actual piggy bank. so yay! we must be more thought oriented this year considering the bank balance. but I do so love giving presents especially when it's something the person would enjoy. we will have to pool money with the siblings for the extended family and in-laws. sheesh, last year I gave uge-wan $300 for a snowboard alone. goes to show how I love giving presents or how much I love certain people. what? I'm emotionally constipated; I can't show affection any other way. well I could, but I'd rather not have to kill unless absolutely necessary.
was talking to chasingamy last night and she'd suggested even though we can't go and do our Fifth Ave shopping for that ONE thing we could afford Christmas extravaganza, we could still capture the Christmas spirit. we could still go see the Rockefeller tree, have some D&D coffee or cocoa & have a hopefully cheap but good lunch. there are times I hope to be as self-assure as her. I also know if she read this, she'd scoff since there are bad days & maybe she doesn't think of herself that way some days but she's a woman who knows what's good for her. she told me hkn asked how I was doing & how the communist said she didn't know "they" were going to do this to me when she went on vacation. complete horsepoop as department heads aren't left out of monumental decisions such as this. plus the little tidbit she let slip to chasingamy before leaving for her vaca was more than enough proof she knew beforehand. chasingamy is a good friend, called hkn on her sh!t & said if you thought soco was such an unreliable flake then why'd you put her in charge of so much crap. defending me and poking another hole in hkn's faulty logic, if she had any to begin with. people who don't stand for anything fall for everything and I actually pity hkn for how she is. when I first met her I thought she was just a victim of her youth but really she's just a scummy idiot. speaking of which, I realized yesterday that since I'm no longer anyone's boss I don't have to bite my tongue about any of the other morons and low lives I met there. how utterly satisfying to tell lesliegirl what I really thought of alex. LOL
it's getting close to the end of the year blog, the rundown of all things good and bad, lessons learned from 2008. most times when I remember to do the end of the year blog, I start composing it ahead of time because I can't remember it all in one sitting. I'll probably just do a rundown, mind dump, Doogie blog. or not. whatever heh heh. I need to get off my ass if I want said ass to fit in something summery by the end of the month. if all goes well, I'm going to be on a jet plane after Christmas. in the meantime, chasingamy suggested the Special K diet. uge-wan managed to eat only one bowl of oatmeal this morning [he said he was on detox hahahaha] & I've already dug out the perfect push up, the exercise ball, and resistance bands for his fat ass. the fridge door has some explicit picture instructions: feed cat, kill Dawn, water plant, and make fatboy slim. we can't exactly do the 2nd, but we've all ignored the last for too long.
little things (about daily life):
- Shimmy has a pet rock, no idea where she got it as she's an indoor cat. but sure enough, she was playing with a rock that is way too big to have been caught in someone's shoe. cat magic I guess.
- beer bottles, I keep finding them everywhere. grapegum & the old man leave them wherever they finished drinking it. I told him that this morning, and the cheeky response I got in tagalog was it's good to be buzzed. there are still 2.5 cases in the kitchen. *sigh* it's annoying enough they have that talking bottle opener which can be heard all the way upstairs behind closed doors.
- where did my collection of mugs go? the Star Trek mugs! lol... and my X-Files mug that changes the message on the side when you pour hot water in it.
"I suffered fools so gladly. And now I find, I've changed my mind."
120208/1122
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thanksgiving '08
no turkey this year, not that we're not fans but making a whole turkey just seemed ludicrous considering it will just sit as leftovers for days. so we opted for chicken instead. poultry is poultry in this family. the first year i've eaten thanksgiving with the family and it was just the 5 of us. giant had work, and kuya ugo went to his in-laws. i'll give erika this, she makes a mean turkey. we also made too many sides, in army unit proportions. madratter basically was the chef, call me sous. all in all good, we were stuffed and didn't even make it to the homemade pumpkin pie or any ice cream for that matter. and the apple cider was incredible, even more so with pomegranate juice. just thought i'd share that as my own personal discovery which i'm sure many people already know. i felt kind of bad we didn't pick up our aunts down in south jersey as they spent it just them. but they will be here this christmas so i guess that's good.
here we go.
- spare change total, $187.25.
- why did i make 2 lbs worth of mashed potatoes? i thought the potatoes would reduce, thinking of course of the mushrooms! note to self, do not make mashed potatoes with sour cream any more. people think it went bad the next day. =/
- the potatoes may have gone bad and too bad i ate it bcuz now i'm awake since my stomach won't settle.
- black friday and no new electronics. except for the 2gb of ram i bought for junior. he is SO sluggish, i'm about ready to throw him out the window...
- black friday mass idiocy, a man [may he r.i.p.] was trampled to death by sale hungry morons at a long island wal-mart. 34 yrs old, seasonal worker, died from the rush of about 200 people for the early morning sale. wal-mart told his family he died of a heart attack [please look closely at the damn sneaker prints on your son's face!]. and children, i hope you enjoy your made in china play things because mommy and daddy killed for them.
- loida called me and left a message. i just heard it today. she said thank you for wishing a happy holiday & to give her a call. she still hadn't found permanent work.
- need a haircut. also need to feel like the new year is going to bring about new things, fresh, un-bitter things.
- and yay giant. that went like a fanfic.
- speaking of which, i need to write. insanely. with scribbles and plot lines. and cliffhangers and epiphany type endings. or maybe a fable or lesson. i needed paper in a bad way but i'd only get an outline done.
- turning japanese is not working out so much. i have way too many spanish books to ignore.
the other day i heard a story about pepe from uge-wan about her daycare days over a year ago. one of the evaluations the teacher gave was an amused recollection of what she responded to in class. the kids were asked where peanut butter comes from and like most kids, they said either peanut or butter. pepe answered from the jar. we should've known then she was going to be a smartass. i love her so, i want to smack her 5 year old face for being funny. :-D
time to settle in, fight 'em til you can't. 113008/0112
here we go.
- spare change total, $187.25.
- why did i make 2 lbs worth of mashed potatoes? i thought the potatoes would reduce, thinking of course of the mushrooms! note to self, do not make mashed potatoes with sour cream any more. people think it went bad the next day. =/
- the potatoes may have gone bad and too bad i ate it bcuz now i'm awake since my stomach won't settle.
- black friday and no new electronics. except for the 2gb of ram i bought for junior. he is SO sluggish, i'm about ready to throw him out the window...
- black friday mass idiocy, a man [may he r.i.p.] was trampled to death by sale hungry morons at a long island wal-mart. 34 yrs old, seasonal worker, died from the rush of about 200 people for the early morning sale. wal-mart told his family he died of a heart attack [please look closely at the damn sneaker prints on your son's face!]. and children, i hope you enjoy your made in china play things because mommy and daddy killed for them.
- loida called me and left a message. i just heard it today. she said thank you for wishing a happy holiday & to give her a call. she still hadn't found permanent work.
- need a haircut. also need to feel like the new year is going to bring about new things, fresh, un-bitter things.
- and yay giant. that went like a fanfic.
- speaking of which, i need to write. insanely. with scribbles and plot lines. and cliffhangers and epiphany type endings. or maybe a fable or lesson. i needed paper in a bad way but i'd only get an outline done.
- turning japanese is not working out so much. i have way too many spanish books to ignore.
the other day i heard a story about pepe from uge-wan about her daycare days over a year ago. one of the evaluations the teacher gave was an amused recollection of what she responded to in class. the kids were asked where peanut butter comes from and like most kids, they said either peanut or butter. pepe answered from the jar. we should've known then she was going to be a smartass. i love her so, i want to smack her 5 year old face for being funny. :-D
time to settle in, fight 'em til you can't. 113008/0112
Thursday, November 20, 2008
1 week
it's like a fading bad dream, my tenure at the hellmount. i honestly didn't know what i'd do once i got out of there, frankly forcibly was not one of the scenarios. it's like finding one's sanity. you're striving for it and you knew it was important to find it, get there, but you weren't really sure what to do once you got there. it's only been a week, i guess i got some things to figure out. ever since the news spread, shows who really gives a crap. it both comforted me and irritated me. i probably thought some people were more important than in actual reality. epitaph: "here lies coco, she did alot of work but it was all for naught. now fuck off." at least that bastard won't call me that name anymore.
on other news, harvey junior has been giving me problems. it's like he's throwing a tantrum for me leaving for houston for a few days. when i left, he worked fine. now it's taking forever to load things. forget about loading aim! so gchat for me at this point and facebook. and i'm not sure if it's because grapegum now has wifi on her computer by my signal is significantly weaker. i got like 3 yellow bars with intermittent 4 green bars. and dear Lord, seriously forget about loading more than 2 programs running at a time. including spider solitaire. i'm not sure if more ram will fix this but hopefully it does. it'll have to be my last big splurge since now i've got to ration out my money. it's been a hot minute since i've had to really watch what i spend. you can count my bluetooth earpiece [it's red, i had to get it] as my pre-unemployment binge buy. the first black friday i have off and i have no money to spend! lol. ain't life grand?
hmm now for the job front. i'm not sure i want to dive right back into work to be brutally honest. i keep telling myself that the hellmount had taken so much from me and i shouldn't be further beat by the negative energy from that place and from those people by not looking for a job. but geez... for over 4 years, with the exception of my mother's own passing, not much has occupied my mind. that being said, i had nearly sacrified many relationships because they couldn't compete with the amount of time and energy i spent regarding the hellmount and all it's denizens. or citizens. whichever. i didn't see people for several months at a time, i emailed my own family who lived in the same house, and giant was thisclose to just ditching me for someone more attentive about 1/2 a dozen times. and yet nothing, i got the shaft anyway. i would like to shed a tear for the hellmount because all things considered it was a loss. maybe i thought i could make a difference and maybe that's why i tried so hard and worked so hard. but like the epitaph said, it was all for naught and i should've quit months ago. i promised myself i'd make it a year after she died and i did and i should've quit then while i was still more than 50% into all the bullshit there. but working myself to the ground just to avoid my own emotional implosion of her leaving was not the wisest of actions. but i was always stubborn and always independent [flaws that broke a couple of romantic entanglements mind you]. people who cared about me kept pointing it out but i was too invested in my own decisions to take heed. something about if i backed out of my own choices then it showed me to be weak. i have no idea why i'm so bananas like that. i took care of business there but the business never took care of me.
SO. lessons? never put 110% into any work or job unless your name is on the sign. work is work, friendships are separate from work even if your own friends work there. i think i got good at that. nobody appreciates bullshit or lying and most times people see through it. but that's not to say one should not practice discretion. multitasking is great, balance is even better. if your gut instinct is twitching, follow it and take notes. blind cc is your best friend when dealing with unsavory characters. your word is still your honor and anyone who doesn't believe that is not to be trusted. take office gossip with a grain of salt and always consider your source [lol]. and funnily enough, the last one is from someone who was older and wiser but couldn't be trusted - no matter what they say to you, how they talk to you, they can't ever take away the lessons you've learned from there. have faith in myself...
call me the girl in limbo then, i'm at a crossroads in my life. it's a shame when a handful of people, once all things considered, tell me this is a blessing in disguise with such conviction in their voice that i'm almost certain they knew something all along that i had missed. or too foolish to listen to. adversity shows a man's true character. and the hellmount was nothing but adversity. i should've listened to myself from 2 years ago. don't expect anything from them, but expect nothing less from myself. i suppose deep down i did know i didn't belong there but you stick with the evil you know. LOL. i'm sure i'll think of stupider rationales in my future. so now what?
scrape up some moolah and i guess i should try to go to boracay.
i should start living. it's as simple and hard as that.
112008/2346hrs
on other news, harvey junior has been giving me problems. it's like he's throwing a tantrum for me leaving for houston for a few days. when i left, he worked fine. now it's taking forever to load things. forget about loading aim! so gchat for me at this point and facebook. and i'm not sure if it's because grapegum now has wifi on her computer by my signal is significantly weaker. i got like 3 yellow bars with intermittent 4 green bars. and dear Lord, seriously forget about loading more than 2 programs running at a time. including spider solitaire. i'm not sure if more ram will fix this but hopefully it does. it'll have to be my last big splurge since now i've got to ration out my money. it's been a hot minute since i've had to really watch what i spend. you can count my bluetooth earpiece [it's red, i had to get it] as my pre-unemployment binge buy. the first black friday i have off and i have no money to spend! lol. ain't life grand?
hmm now for the job front. i'm not sure i want to dive right back into work to be brutally honest. i keep telling myself that the hellmount had taken so much from me and i shouldn't be further beat by the negative energy from that place and from those people by not looking for a job. but geez... for over 4 years, with the exception of my mother's own passing, not much has occupied my mind. that being said, i had nearly sacrified many relationships because they couldn't compete with the amount of time and energy i spent regarding the hellmount and all it's denizens. or citizens. whichever. i didn't see people for several months at a time, i emailed my own family who lived in the same house, and giant was thisclose to just ditching me for someone more attentive about 1/2 a dozen times. and yet nothing, i got the shaft anyway. i would like to shed a tear for the hellmount because all things considered it was a loss. maybe i thought i could make a difference and maybe that's why i tried so hard and worked so hard. but like the epitaph said, it was all for naught and i should've quit months ago. i promised myself i'd make it a year after she died and i did and i should've quit then while i was still more than 50% into all the bullshit there. but working myself to the ground just to avoid my own emotional implosion of her leaving was not the wisest of actions. but i was always stubborn and always independent [flaws that broke a couple of romantic entanglements mind you]. people who cared about me kept pointing it out but i was too invested in my own decisions to take heed. something about if i backed out of my own choices then it showed me to be weak. i have no idea why i'm so bananas like that. i took care of business there but the business never took care of me.
SO. lessons? never put 110% into any work or job unless your name is on the sign. work is work, friendships are separate from work even if your own friends work there. i think i got good at that. nobody appreciates bullshit or lying and most times people see through it. but that's not to say one should not practice discretion. multitasking is great, balance is even better. if your gut instinct is twitching, follow it and take notes. blind cc is your best friend when dealing with unsavory characters. your word is still your honor and anyone who doesn't believe that is not to be trusted. take office gossip with a grain of salt and always consider your source [lol]. and funnily enough, the last one is from someone who was older and wiser but couldn't be trusted - no matter what they say to you, how they talk to you, they can't ever take away the lessons you've learned from there. have faith in myself...
call me the girl in limbo then, i'm at a crossroads in my life. it's a shame when a handful of people, once all things considered, tell me this is a blessing in disguise with such conviction in their voice that i'm almost certain they knew something all along that i had missed. or too foolish to listen to. adversity shows a man's true character. and the hellmount was nothing but adversity. i should've listened to myself from 2 years ago. don't expect anything from them, but expect nothing less from myself. i suppose deep down i did know i didn't belong there but you stick with the evil you know. LOL. i'm sure i'll think of stupider rationales in my future. so now what?
scrape up some moolah and i guess i should try to go to boracay.
i should start living. it's as simple and hard as that.
112008/2346hrs
Friday, November 14, 2008
Freedom.
well, I just got back from Houston yesterday. note: everyone there drives and gas was below $2. as raf said, we make it down here so we get it cheap. I went to visit some family down there and maybe catch some sights. first day there, we did nothing but watch movies [Gone in 60 Seconds & Miami Vice]. we also stopped at Jack in the Box where Uge-wan got himself the sourdough burger he's been craving. I opted for the healthier but no less awesome chicken pita. tita bab & tito nannie made us dinner with fresh cut fruit and plaintains as side dishes. she even gave us vitamin supplements when we finished dinner. then dancing with the stars in the "tv room" which has a tv the size of pepe's room. their house is 4500sf, so please let's all try to imagine how big the tv is, needing only popcorn to complete the feeling. oh yeah, there's a lake in the back yard. 2nd day there after bfast of blueberry pancakes, we headed out to the museum of natural history thinking we were going to catch an imax film. too bad they don't update the website as we had the wrong times. so instead we caught the bodies exhibit & gawked and ooh and ahh'd at the dead bodies on display. some of the displays will forever play roles in any scary dreams i will have in the future. not sure why they don't let you take pictures but then again, i wasn't too keen on having any REAL dead bodies saved on my xD anyhow... raf took us to Lopez restuarant where we stuffed our gullets full of tortillas for $10 a person. they had no fried ice cream so we went to cold stone creamery then. then it was back to their house for dancing with the stars. lol, they watch tv together. we checked our emails etc, chatted... houses there are cheap. just gotta score a job and save some cash. of course, there's also the kooky weather so not sure if it's worth it to live in a place where the roof could be ripped off at any time. alot of store signs, etc were still unreplaced from hurricane ike from a few weeks back. that night i couldn't sleep because the rain was hitting the window hard while coming in sideways and the ground shook with every lightning and thunder. i fell asleep trying to figure out how far the lighting strike was. 3rd day, very late start which was further delayed with watching Flags of Our Fathers. we went to Taste of Texas where we got to pick our own cut of meat. I killed that 16oz steak but dagnamit, I felt all meat drunk afterwards. their potatoes au gratin and crabcake were also excellent. we didn't make it to kennedy space center even though we drove out there. caught traffic on their highway so we got there 1/2 before closing. but the lady let us in free to take a look around, see what we can explore for next time. the clone wars exhibit is there. anyway, I think we'd like to do the Level 9 tour. they take only 12 a day & it's the behind the scenes tour. it's a nerd/dweeb tour basically. i cannot wait. I may as well go seeing as I'm now unemployed.
the hellmount has let me go. I'm not upset per se seeing as how my moniker for it is hellmount. and I've taken so much abuse there, unfair breakdown of work [how come everyone else gets a free pass not to have to do something just bc they don't seem all that interested in it]. plus one of the other managers managed to get herself knocked up and let's just save hkn the embarrassment of asking me to do PM shift bc she's pregnant. apparently I'm being labeled as job abandonment and if anyone thought about me as a professional for the split second for them to realize I'm really not there, then it would have seem incredibly laughable to someone who really knew me that I would walk away from the job. f-ing ridiculous. and if I were half as crazy, I'd barricade the doors and set the place on fire with everyone inside. if i really walked away, my back would surely have the flames of the hellmount reflecting off me leather jacket. cuz when one is raising hell, there's got to be a leather jacket involved. people get alarmed when i say things like that but naz said, if i started to sing happy happy joy joy a call to the looney bin would be placed. citing i always had a dark streak but i've learned to temper it for more practical things. it's so funny how just 2 or 3 things sets apart the psychopaths/sociopaths from the "normal" population. it's funny how things get decided. lucky for people i want to help the good guys fight the good fight.
oops, got sidetracked with that last bit. anyway, I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something and perhaps this is the fire I needed lit under my ass to get the ball rolling. I was talking to naz and chasingamy about how i'm destined for something greater but i'm just too damn tired to reach for it. naz said i should make a shirt out of it. but really, i am destined for something better, greater. i just need a nap first. LOL i slay me. admittedly, i'm more upset i don't get to leave on my own terms but you can't win them all i guess. i haven't won anything for the past year anyway. and i should congratulate myself. i did manage to get promoted and i surpassed my own predicted shelf life at the hellmount. I promised myself that I'd make it a year there after my world crashed down. and let's face it, i should have left when the douche of operations told me i hadn't improved as a manager since i became one. what an a-hole. it's been way over a year. people had so little faith in me there. best not to lose faith in myself then, right?
let's see what aurora brings.
fight 'em til you can't. or at least til you don't have to. 111408/1449hrs.
the hellmount has let me go. I'm not upset per se seeing as how my moniker for it is hellmount. and I've taken so much abuse there, unfair breakdown of work [how come everyone else gets a free pass not to have to do something just bc they don't seem all that interested in it]. plus one of the other managers managed to get herself knocked up and let's just save hkn the embarrassment of asking me to do PM shift bc she's pregnant. apparently I'm being labeled as job abandonment and if anyone thought about me as a professional for the split second for them to realize I'm really not there, then it would have seem incredibly laughable to someone who really knew me that I would walk away from the job. f-ing ridiculous. and if I were half as crazy, I'd barricade the doors and set the place on fire with everyone inside. if i really walked away, my back would surely have the flames of the hellmount reflecting off me leather jacket. cuz when one is raising hell, there's got to be a leather jacket involved. people get alarmed when i say things like that but naz said, if i started to sing happy happy joy joy a call to the looney bin would be placed. citing i always had a dark streak but i've learned to temper it for more practical things. it's so funny how just 2 or 3 things sets apart the psychopaths/sociopaths from the "normal" population. it's funny how things get decided. lucky for people i want to help the good guys fight the good fight.
oops, got sidetracked with that last bit. anyway, I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something and perhaps this is the fire I needed lit under my ass to get the ball rolling. I was talking to naz and chasingamy about how i'm destined for something greater but i'm just too damn tired to reach for it. naz said i should make a shirt out of it. but really, i am destined for something better, greater. i just need a nap first. LOL i slay me. admittedly, i'm more upset i don't get to leave on my own terms but you can't win them all i guess. i haven't won anything for the past year anyway. and i should congratulate myself. i did manage to get promoted and i surpassed my own predicted shelf life at the hellmount. I promised myself that I'd make it a year there after my world crashed down. and let's face it, i should have left when the douche of operations told me i hadn't improved as a manager since i became one. what an a-hole. it's been way over a year. people had so little faith in me there. best not to lose faith in myself then, right?
let's see what aurora brings.
fight 'em til you can't. or at least til you don't have to. 111408/1449hrs.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Freedom - Day 38: President Elect
well children, the dawn of a new era i suppose. we've gotten ourselves a black president. some comedian had said that the country had gotten sh!tty enough to warrant an actual change. others see this as one of the portents to the apocalypse, complete with a soothing voice. regardless, where i stand is far more sinister than either of these camps. it's too bad i'm neither motivated nor a genius.
anyway, today started off with some hammering. the powers of that be for the apartment complex are replacing the balconies for the units. so today is our turn. they redid the actual balcony, which was in sore need of updating/reinforcing, and put in new support posts. i think they used the same banisters & guard rails. a financially prudent choice, as well as environmental. pffft, right. then uge-wan took me to doc norman for therapy. i usually go on fridays but this whole week the old man is going to work early. they cut 20 flights this week so they need someone to cater earlier. therapy, i've been fortunate, has only taken at least an hour of the day. it was pretty good. doc norman must have arms the size of hulk hogan's, cracking & massaging people must take some sort of strength. then it was post office, bank and i finally dropped off my dry cleaning. not all of it but at least enough of it to reduce that pile that's just been draped over the banister outside my door. we picked up madratter from work, where we stocked up on chips and dip for no reason other than being lazy fat bastards that we are. and to our own slow realization, we were just hungry. we headed to menlo across the street & "feasted" on taco bell. i haven't had that crap in ages so i'm not gonna feel guilty about it. we then decided to go to best buy and check out the hp touchsmart. uge-wan got annoyed by it but he said later on how are we going to split it. it's just a regular old vista pc....but with a touchscreen. madratter bought a bleach game, shattered blade released 2 yrs ago, and i finally got me a bluetooth. specifically the samsung wep350, in red of course. they had black ones but who am i kidding? i always get the red ones. they did not have the epix or even the touch diamond so a bust there. anyway, i'm happy i got the bluetooth. i really needed one, like i need a tattoo. lol
so tomorrow, i need to arrange to have my head examined. and get that damn prescription filled though i'm not sure as i haven't finished the cyclobenzaprine. anyhoot... and go to the mall, return a pair of pants that to my horrid realization was made for chicks with NO asses. not small asses, NO asses. so it feels like the waist is just chillin right above my crack. and my bank of course, to deposit a check. i wonder if i have any checks from work left..?
things to ponder: getting a haircut before going back to work. urgh... just the thought of it makes me sick. work, not the haircut. and where can i get at least one foot in to work in a private investigation firm? i really really need a driver's license. frell it, i should just do it.
fight 'em til you can't. until then, hope obama has a good plan. 110508/1804hrs.
anyway, today started off with some hammering. the powers of that be for the apartment complex are replacing the balconies for the units. so today is our turn. they redid the actual balcony, which was in sore need of updating/reinforcing, and put in new support posts. i think they used the same banisters & guard rails. a financially prudent choice, as well as environmental. pffft, right. then uge-wan took me to doc norman for therapy. i usually go on fridays but this whole week the old man is going to work early. they cut 20 flights this week so they need someone to cater earlier. therapy, i've been fortunate, has only taken at least an hour of the day. it was pretty good. doc norman must have arms the size of hulk hogan's, cracking & massaging people must take some sort of strength. then it was post office, bank and i finally dropped off my dry cleaning. not all of it but at least enough of it to reduce that pile that's just been draped over the banister outside my door. we picked up madratter from work, where we stocked up on chips and dip for no reason other than being lazy fat bastards that we are. and to our own slow realization, we were just hungry. we headed to menlo across the street & "feasted" on taco bell. i haven't had that crap in ages so i'm not gonna feel guilty about it. we then decided to go to best buy and check out the hp touchsmart. uge-wan got annoyed by it but he said later on how are we going to split it. it's just a regular old vista pc....but with a touchscreen. madratter bought a bleach game, shattered blade released 2 yrs ago, and i finally got me a bluetooth. specifically the samsung wep350, in red of course. they had black ones but who am i kidding? i always get the red ones. they did not have the epix or even the touch diamond so a bust there. anyway, i'm happy i got the bluetooth. i really needed one, like i need a tattoo. lol
so tomorrow, i need to arrange to have my head examined. and get that damn prescription filled though i'm not sure as i haven't finished the cyclobenzaprine. anyhoot... and go to the mall, return a pair of pants that to my horrid realization was made for chicks with NO asses. not small asses, NO asses. so it feels like the waist is just chillin right above my crack. and my bank of course, to deposit a check. i wonder if i have any checks from work left..?
things to ponder: getting a haircut before going back to work. urgh... just the thought of it makes me sick. work, not the haircut. and where can i get at least one foot in to work in a private investigation firm? i really really need a driver's license. frell it, i should just do it.
fight 'em til you can't. until then, hope obama has a good plan. 110508/1804hrs.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Freedom - Day 29
into the wee hours we meet again friend.
anyway, sunday was spent mostly conscious at rosehill. i took some photos, posted them on facebook. spent a long time with the old man listening to the trees and overhead planes. i was trying to be a good kid and listen to the wisdom my old man has learned in his life. he asked us this morning if anyone wanted breakfast and i had yelled out i wanted the eggs he was cooking. he said "sure thing sweetheart" and did his i'm an funny crazy guy chuckle and said "f*ck you man." hahaha he's the best comedian i know. it's all about the delivery. i'm not sure if there were any lessons today since he just wanted to chat and reminisce. but last week's sermon was that no matter how close you are to someone, you will have things you just have to keep to yourself until you shrug off this mortal coil. my father has secrets apparently.
anyway, i drank my crappacino while he talked. i call it that because it inevitably always leads me running to the porcelain god for an offering. and now that i think of it, i reckon that odwalla green superfood i drank hours later didn't help to settle my stomach. the dangers of sharting i tell ya. where was i?! oh yeah, we went to best buy and i got myself a 6-1 card reader. this way i won't have to rely on grapegum knowing the whereabouts of the family card reader. currently it's location is unknown. i then had fired up the skype with giant; see his sexy ass on screen. my inner voyeur approves. i had started to watch firefly, ended up watching the first 6 episodes. it's a space western! it's got joss whedon all over it and it occurred to me that if you watch enough sci-fi/fantasy... you see the same actors. but it never gets old.
i should get to bed. i have yet to pick up my fossil watch on 5th ave; it's been there a week. i didn't even bother calling. hopefully i get it back. they hadn't called with any problems anyway. hopefully my stomach would've settled by then. that french onion soup from saturday night probably started the gastric discomfort i'm in. bad choice champ.
fight 'em til you can't, yeehaw! 0216hrs
anyway, sunday was spent mostly conscious at rosehill. i took some photos, posted them on facebook. spent a long time with the old man listening to the trees and overhead planes. i was trying to be a good kid and listen to the wisdom my old man has learned in his life. he asked us this morning if anyone wanted breakfast and i had yelled out i wanted the eggs he was cooking. he said "sure thing sweetheart" and did his i'm an funny crazy guy chuckle and said "f*ck you man." hahaha he's the best comedian i know. it's all about the delivery. i'm not sure if there were any lessons today since he just wanted to chat and reminisce. but last week's sermon was that no matter how close you are to someone, you will have things you just have to keep to yourself until you shrug off this mortal coil. my father has secrets apparently.
anyway, i drank my crappacino while he talked. i call it that because it inevitably always leads me running to the porcelain god for an offering. and now that i think of it, i reckon that odwalla green superfood i drank hours later didn't help to settle my stomach. the dangers of sharting i tell ya. where was i?! oh yeah, we went to best buy and i got myself a 6-1 card reader. this way i won't have to rely on grapegum knowing the whereabouts of the family card reader. currently it's location is unknown. i then had fired up the skype with giant; see his sexy ass on screen. my inner voyeur approves. i had started to watch firefly, ended up watching the first 6 episodes. it's a space western! it's got joss whedon all over it and it occurred to me that if you watch enough sci-fi/fantasy... you see the same actors. but it never gets old.
i should get to bed. i have yet to pick up my fossil watch on 5th ave; it's been there a week. i didn't even bother calling. hopefully i get it back. they hadn't called with any problems anyway. hopefully my stomach would've settled by then. that french onion soup from saturday night probably started the gastric discomfort i'm in. bad choice champ.
fight 'em til you can't, yeehaw! 0216hrs
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Freedom - Day 28: the walk that never happened
10.25.08 was supposed to be the Diabetes Walk in bridgewater. too bad it wasn't there when we got there. grapegum isn't sure if they had canceled it last minute due to the wanna be monsoon weather but she had thought they'd walk at -20 deg weather so what's a little rain & 65 deg weather? regardless, no joy there. felt bad that ugo-wan, wife, and their young padawan [pepe] had come to participate and it was a bust. we went to a reo diner & grapegum & i split the bill. they took the night off, lost moolah and got nothing but dinner. madratter was there too, we picked her ass up after work. stupid backseat was covered in purple balloons. grapegum was a bunch of grapes for vram's party down in hillsborough. she had the pepe blowing balloons with her this morning; making a grand old mess in the living room.
on other news, i woke up this morning from a really strange dream. madratter did her requisite point and laugh when i told her, said something about me being f*cked or whatever. i can't quote sh!t to save my life according to them. i think i just don't care to listen half the time but i digress. i dreamt i was in a cage, not like jail cage, an actual free standing cage. there was noise, not sure from where but other prisoners? my capturers? guards? i knew we were below ground. looked down on my feet and legs, realized 2 things. i was naked and i was most definitely male. so i tested the bars, shaking them slightly to see if i had my strength. the bars surprised me, i mean how could i, a *vampire* be held by such human means? i started to put effort into it now, using my right arm, shaking the bars in anger and trying to actually break it off. and i started to really yell in anger. i think someone was coming to investigate the noise i was making too... before i woke up from the noise the other house occupants were making downstairs. i really should sleep with the door closed but so far i haven't made any progress in convincing myself there's nothing in the dark that would hurt me.
seriously, how come i never have lucid dreams? you'd think if i'm coherent or cognizant or whatever other c word there is describing my awareness during a dream that i'd bloody realize i am actually dreaming! hello?! vampire?!? male??? naked?! and not one of those description words tipped off my subconscious to say hey doofus you're dreaming. it's like when i dreamt i was the first mate of a pirate ship that ran aground in some unknown island & some of the crew were the fd staff. and why a male vampire?! lol...jeeez. twisted much?
pfft, fight 'em til you can't! 0209hrs.
on other news, i woke up this morning from a really strange dream. madratter did her requisite point and laugh when i told her, said something about me being f*cked or whatever. i can't quote sh!t to save my life according to them. i think i just don't care to listen half the time but i digress. i dreamt i was in a cage, not like jail cage, an actual free standing cage. there was noise, not sure from where but other prisoners? my capturers? guards? i knew we were below ground. looked down on my feet and legs, realized 2 things. i was naked and i was most definitely male. so i tested the bars, shaking them slightly to see if i had my strength. the bars surprised me, i mean how could i, a *vampire* be held by such human means? i started to put effort into it now, using my right arm, shaking the bars in anger and trying to actually break it off. and i started to really yell in anger. i think someone was coming to investigate the noise i was making too... before i woke up from the noise the other house occupants were making downstairs. i really should sleep with the door closed but so far i haven't made any progress in convincing myself there's nothing in the dark that would hurt me.
seriously, how come i never have lucid dreams? you'd think if i'm coherent or cognizant or whatever other c word there is describing my awareness during a dream that i'd bloody realize i am actually dreaming! hello?! vampire?!? male??? naked?! and not one of those description words tipped off my subconscious to say hey doofus you're dreaming. it's like when i dreamt i was the first mate of a pirate ship that ran aground in some unknown island & some of the crew were the fd staff. and why a male vampire?! lol...jeeez. twisted much?
pfft, fight 'em til you can't! 0209hrs.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Freedom - Day 25
well today was a bust, i think. i didn't wake up until around 11:30am. of course, i went to sleep a little past 6am so i guess i've been up longer than i thought. i heard madratter and the old man stirring about, she was going to work at noon. i didn't bother getting up, my muscles felt stiff but i felt better even after so little sleep. probably because giant was kind enough to talk until i fell asleep. over the phone, but we take what we can get. right champ? i did get up, got myself something to eat. on the menu, chinese take out since it was technically lunchtime. just b/cuz i got up later, doesn't mean i can't have lunch. the old man bought it from the de lee [aka the deli].
yesterday's retail therapy was a by product of having a crappy day, that's my diagnostic assessment in layman's terms. i'm no doctor after all. but dizziness, some lost balance, no pain per se, usual soreness, generally felt like i was in a fog. i thought a warm shower and a walk to the mall would help. the cold crisp air certainly woke me up, until i went into the mall and the controlled environment pulled me back to feeling wonky. madratter took my bp 113/75, within the normal range but on the lower spectrum. and then i couldn't sleep through the night, i felt like i could run a marathon. and i was itching for a fight, anything that would get my arms moving. i settled for tinkering through my stuff. let ocd run it's course. i did get some stuff done but i couldn't tackle under my bed because it would've been too much noise. i did find a rutgers hat in my closet so that solves the mystery of me thinking i had a hat b/cuz i actually did. i let redpod run to, um, red and then plugged it in to charge & put a timer on it just so i could have some background ambiance. you all know i'm a big fan of ringing silences. not!
today was good, felt better. i still don't drink nearly enough water. area of improvement there. but i did pay my cell phone bill and to my own relief, i don't need to pay direct loans until december because being so forgetful, i actually paid 4 months worth in 2 days back in the beginning of september. i'm glad, i thought i'd have to deduct more money from my dwindling account. i also mailed the october payment to the middlesex county special civil unit via grapegum. AND deposited 2 of my paychecks. hurrah! i was productive! and only a teeny bit of retail therapy today. i bought the Firefly series from target but got the discount so only paid $22 for it. i'm going to watch that and then i figure i should go see about watching Bones since hell, david boreanaz is on it and color me a fan of him. and we did walk to the bank and the grocery store. if it's not far, don't take the car! and yay for burning calories, however minimal. madratter said grapegum was trying to distance herself from the rest of us lazy a-holes by working out and going to the gym. it annoys me on some level that grapegum could probably kick my ass, unless i go ape sh!t and turn lady hulk on her. ok well not exactly like that but you know what i mean...
further on the to do list:
- tackling the fridges. both of them could use a good cleaning.
- dry cleaning needs to be dropped off.
- maintenance needs to be called to service our central heat or lack thereof.
- i'm thinking assisted sleeping since i can't sleep. i hate using them though.
- launder the sheets.
- resumes, insert wherever the hell the accent mark goes.
- pick up my watch from fossil store.
good news:
i saw an old to do list that i had posted on facebook [current stalkerville, i mean social e-community] and i've accomplished getting my passport, getting an eye check complete with new contacts & glasses, AND contact people i've been meaning to contact. mel c and romain certainly count so yay! i'm not gonna be an old bitter biddy so :::raspberry:::!
did i mention that i've been dressing in nothing but t-shirts and jeans? for so long it's been pj's and button down shirts/suit jackets matching pants & shoes that i had forgotten the simple pleasure of layered comfy cotton against skin and not having to worry about getting food on my pants. i love it. i'm wearing t-shirts til i puke. =)
2340hrs.
yesterday's retail therapy was a by product of having a crappy day, that's my diagnostic assessment in layman's terms. i'm no doctor after all. but dizziness, some lost balance, no pain per se, usual soreness, generally felt like i was in a fog. i thought a warm shower and a walk to the mall would help. the cold crisp air certainly woke me up, until i went into the mall and the controlled environment pulled me back to feeling wonky. madratter took my bp 113/75, within the normal range but on the lower spectrum. and then i couldn't sleep through the night, i felt like i could run a marathon. and i was itching for a fight, anything that would get my arms moving. i settled for tinkering through my stuff. let ocd run it's course. i did get some stuff done but i couldn't tackle under my bed because it would've been too much noise. i did find a rutgers hat in my closet so that solves the mystery of me thinking i had a hat b/cuz i actually did. i let redpod run to, um, red and then plugged it in to charge & put a timer on it just so i could have some background ambiance. you all know i'm a big fan of ringing silences. not!
today was good, felt better. i still don't drink nearly enough water. area of improvement there. but i did pay my cell phone bill and to my own relief, i don't need to pay direct loans until december because being so forgetful, i actually paid 4 months worth in 2 days back in the beginning of september. i'm glad, i thought i'd have to deduct more money from my dwindling account. i also mailed the october payment to the middlesex county special civil unit via grapegum. AND deposited 2 of my paychecks. hurrah! i was productive! and only a teeny bit of retail therapy today. i bought the Firefly series from target but got the discount so only paid $22 for it. i'm going to watch that and then i figure i should go see about watching Bones since hell, david boreanaz is on it and color me a fan of him. and we did walk to the bank and the grocery store. if it's not far, don't take the car! and yay for burning calories, however minimal. madratter said grapegum was trying to distance herself from the rest of us lazy a-holes by working out and going to the gym. it annoys me on some level that grapegum could probably kick my ass, unless i go ape sh!t and turn lady hulk on her. ok well not exactly like that but you know what i mean...
further on the to do list:
- tackling the fridges. both of them could use a good cleaning.
- dry cleaning needs to be dropped off.
- maintenance needs to be called to service our central heat or lack thereof.
- i'm thinking assisted sleeping since i can't sleep. i hate using them though.
- launder the sheets.
- resumes, insert wherever the hell the accent mark goes.
- pick up my watch from fossil store.
good news:
i saw an old to do list that i had posted on facebook [current stalkerville, i mean social e-community] and i've accomplished getting my passport, getting an eye check complete with new contacts & glasses, AND contact people i've been meaning to contact. mel c and romain certainly count so yay! i'm not gonna be an old bitter biddy so :::raspberry:::!
did i mention that i've been dressing in nothing but t-shirts and jeans? for so long it's been pj's and button down shirts/suit jackets matching pants & shoes that i had forgotten the simple pleasure of layered comfy cotton against skin and not having to worry about getting food on my pants. i love it. i'm wearing t-shirts til i puke. =)
2340hrs.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Freedom - Day 24: Retail Therapy
i'm more than familiar with this concept, sadly enough. cheated on, retail therapy. relationship ending, retail therapy. got promoted, retail therapy. death of a parent, mondo retail therapy. not working, retail therapy.
anyway. let's list the damage shall we?
claire's: jewelry organizer that hangs in a lovely black star shape & blue knee high socks with blue from foster's imaginary friends.
coach: black small purse, have had my eye on it for ages. no time like the present. if i die tomorrow, they can bury me with it with one of my journals. or frak it, give it to someone who'll use it. and give the journals to someone who'll find them funny.
garage: i know i know... i do occasionally shop there. bought myself a pink plaid button down & a tank top.
dsw.com: blowfish hey now boots in black. they were $10 cheaper than anywhere else & with shipping costs still $3 cheaper. now just need skirts that look good with tall boots and some thicker leggings as it's getting nippy out.
now up for debate, a bluetooth headset. due to the nature of my injury, talking on the phone with it wedged between my shoulder & ear is no longer acceptable as it just aggravates my neck. also of course, with the final quarter of the year upon us there will be a plethora of cell phones released for holiday consumption. among those in my network, salivating worthy of course, are the blackberry bold, at&t quickfire [aka utstarcomm knick], and the press released just last night samsung epix [consumer named as the blackjack 3, bj III tee hee]. the last 2 are touchscreen(!) but of course RIM always makes fantastic phones. too bad the storm went to verizon. or the touch diamond to sprint. no word on the se xperia x1. i'd get that bad girl just for the name ;-)
taken off to buy list is a new digital camera on account of the fact i have woefully underused my fantastic olympus camera. i dug up the box & installed the software that came with it. nifty features in the software to finalize the awesome photos i'll be taking... pfft, as if! also, never realized there was a built in guide in the camera itself as well as an advanced manual in cd-rom form that came along with the camera. i really should get rid of that annoying propensity to open up my new tech toys and NOT read instructions or anything else for that matter.
recently bought: creative live! cam pro for notebooks. pretty good quality except no built in microphone like my old logitech. but it did come with a headset, which means i have to be plugged into my laptop to talk to people. whatever, i pretty much use it for skype anyway.
etc:
- famous dave's and I are not friends. whatever their recipes use makes me puke or sh!t. i went 2x just to make sure & both times i got sick. can't deny it's good eating tho...
- because i'm not working, i'm sliding back to being the vampire that i am. up all night, sleepy at dawn, and skin as cold as ice.
- i think i'd get more done on my to do list if i write it down but don't look at it to check it off. does that make sense? make a master list and then write down what i've completed.
- i found my star trek space pen that bibs gave to me for christmas back in high school! it was in my coach wristlet this whole time! duh, it makes sense since it's so damn small, i'd put the smallest pen i own in it. Mama said, always carry i pen. you'll never know who'll want your autograph.
- i'm doing better making payments on old debts. i've tried to figure out where i am financially and i've got 2 checks allotted for the next 2 months rent. i thought i had another check but i could be mistaken. until then i will continue to tear through my stuff for that elusive check. also, the macy's card i got from adam and josh last christmas is missing. i found the one from ruby tuesday but no joy on the macy's. i was thinking of getting coco chanel fragrance with it.
- i think i have enough time to learn a language before i go to work, what do you think? i told madratter that we should learn a language nobody else knows. more importantly i should learn a language i want to learn.
- due to my own ineptitude of keeping track of time, in the grand scheme of things, i have missed the window to take my fsd exam in brooklyn. i can't say that i'm disappointed honestly. if they give me crap about wasting company money regarding that class, i believe there are 2 current employees who never even went to the class despite the fact the hotel paid for them both up front.
- i've been gone 24 days. let me list the people who are on the christmas list for giving 2 craps about me as a person and maybe friend. chasing amy, rabbit, cougar, big d, on karen, & tony g. natdog didn't contact me until i extended the sick leave further than 14 days and come to think of it, beeler has been off the radar too despite the xanax sharing & biofreeze giving. then again, natdog has roach burns and the latter is off his rocker so i suppose they also fall in the category of no concept of stuff around them. but seeing as i'm a whole person they haven't seen in half a minute and not an object, you'd think they'd notice.
oh well. back to a/c fanfic. i'd say it was a revival but i never read them when the show was actually on. one day it was k/l fanfic, then i just decided vampire goodness was in order.
fight 'em til you can't. 2131hrs.
anyway. let's list the damage shall we?
claire's: jewelry organizer that hangs in a lovely black star shape & blue knee high socks with blue from foster's imaginary friends.
coach: black small purse, have had my eye on it for ages. no time like the present. if i die tomorrow, they can bury me with it with one of my journals. or frak it, give it to someone who'll use it. and give the journals to someone who'll find them funny.
garage: i know i know... i do occasionally shop there. bought myself a pink plaid button down & a tank top.
dsw.com: blowfish hey now boots in black. they were $10 cheaper than anywhere else & with shipping costs still $3 cheaper. now just need skirts that look good with tall boots and some thicker leggings as it's getting nippy out.
now up for debate, a bluetooth headset. due to the nature of my injury, talking on the phone with it wedged between my shoulder & ear is no longer acceptable as it just aggravates my neck. also of course, with the final quarter of the year upon us there will be a plethora of cell phones released for holiday consumption. among those in my network, salivating worthy of course, are the blackberry bold, at&t quickfire [aka utstarcomm knick], and the press released just last night samsung epix [consumer named as the blackjack 3, bj III tee hee]. the last 2 are touchscreen(!) but of course RIM always makes fantastic phones. too bad the storm went to verizon. or the touch diamond to sprint. no word on the se xperia x1. i'd get that bad girl just for the name ;-)
taken off to buy list is a new digital camera on account of the fact i have woefully underused my fantastic olympus camera. i dug up the box & installed the software that came with it. nifty features in the software to finalize the awesome photos i'll be taking... pfft, as if! also, never realized there was a built in guide in the camera itself as well as an advanced manual in cd-rom form that came along with the camera. i really should get rid of that annoying propensity to open up my new tech toys and NOT read instructions or anything else for that matter.
recently bought: creative live! cam pro for notebooks. pretty good quality except no built in microphone like my old logitech. but it did come with a headset, which means i have to be plugged into my laptop to talk to people. whatever, i pretty much use it for skype anyway.
etc:
- famous dave's and I are not friends. whatever their recipes use makes me puke or sh!t. i went 2x just to make sure & both times i got sick. can't deny it's good eating tho...
- because i'm not working, i'm sliding back to being the vampire that i am. up all night, sleepy at dawn, and skin as cold as ice.
- i think i'd get more done on my to do list if i write it down but don't look at it to check it off. does that make sense? make a master list and then write down what i've completed.
- i found my star trek space pen that bibs gave to me for christmas back in high school! it was in my coach wristlet this whole time! duh, it makes sense since it's so damn small, i'd put the smallest pen i own in it. Mama said, always carry i pen. you'll never know who'll want your autograph.
- i'm doing better making payments on old debts. i've tried to figure out where i am financially and i've got 2 checks allotted for the next 2 months rent. i thought i had another check but i could be mistaken. until then i will continue to tear through my stuff for that elusive check. also, the macy's card i got from adam and josh last christmas is missing. i found the one from ruby tuesday but no joy on the macy's. i was thinking of getting coco chanel fragrance with it.
- i think i have enough time to learn a language before i go to work, what do you think? i told madratter that we should learn a language nobody else knows. more importantly i should learn a language i want to learn.
- due to my own ineptitude of keeping track of time, in the grand scheme of things, i have missed the window to take my fsd exam in brooklyn. i can't say that i'm disappointed honestly. if they give me crap about wasting company money regarding that class, i believe there are 2 current employees who never even went to the class despite the fact the hotel paid for them both up front.
- i've been gone 24 days. let me list the people who are on the christmas list for giving 2 craps about me as a person and maybe friend. chasing amy, rabbit, cougar, big d, on karen, & tony g. natdog didn't contact me until i extended the sick leave further than 14 days and come to think of it, beeler has been off the radar too despite the xanax sharing & biofreeze giving. then again, natdog has roach burns and the latter is off his rocker so i suppose they also fall in the category of no concept of stuff around them. but seeing as i'm a whole person they haven't seen in half a minute and not an object, you'd think they'd notice.
oh well. back to a/c fanfic. i'd say it was a revival but i never read them when the show was actually on. one day it was k/l fanfic, then i just decided vampire goodness was in order.
fight 'em til you can't. 2131hrs.
Friday, October 10, 2008
capital D for disability
well, i've got the ball going. i'm filing for disability on monday with hr. i'm feeling marginally better. got a check up yesterday, got more meds. that was nice. uh-oh, haven't had that filled out yet. i also have a 5-6mm cyst on my kidney which is by 2 doctor's opinions no point of concern. we will test in one year's time and hopefully i stop shaking the salt shaker like maracas and drink more water. 2 things i so don't do. dr norman is going to help me file for disability. i have to bring my notes etc.
it's funny. i've been at my job for 4 and a half years. and aside from my resume and a handful of friends for the foreseeable future, i don't even have any satisfaction to show for it. i was joking with giant that the end of this job will just be like bsg. sad, bitter, and everyone dead. and he had said, hopefully not the latter. i had said, yeah i don't have those double leg holsters ala lara croft. oh well... anyway, the players involved almost guarantee that the ending will not be pretty. and i'm too far removed to give a sh!t.
fight 'em til you can't. 101008/1911hrs
it's funny. i've been at my job for 4 and a half years. and aside from my resume and a handful of friends for the foreseeable future, i don't even have any satisfaction to show for it. i was joking with giant that the end of this job will just be like bsg. sad, bitter, and everyone dead. and he had said, hopefully not the latter. i had said, yeah i don't have those double leg holsters ala lara croft. oh well... anyway, the players involved almost guarantee that the ending will not be pretty. and i'm too far removed to give a sh!t.
fight 'em til you can't. 101008/1911hrs
Friday, October 3, 2008
turning leaves
well well well... had an ultrasound scheduled. unfortunately i still don't know the results as they had no film when they were done with the tests so i couldn't get a copy. i should hope my doctor would call me if there was something wrong. either that or my father is completely correct in his assessment that the secretary at his office is for crap and record keeping is spotty at best.
i'm out from work for 2 weeks, scheduled to return on 10/13. what's great about the whole situation is that the lady boss is going to hold this against me. apparently she doesn't understand the horrific beautiful truth about calling out sick is (1) it's unexpected and (2) you can't say/do much about a doctor's note. i can't return to work unless he says so and if do go to work before my time, she'll have an hr matter.let's ignore the fact hr asked me if i had an std and if needed help to let them know. clearly we have different definitions of herniated disc. anyway... what can i say? professionalism is dead where i work. of course i say that because i've worked too damn long in that place and i'm just fresh out of non-bitter juice. stock full of hater-ade though. God knows i can go on forever about all the wrong things that happen there. i should've just been a lawyer; at least i'd have more money and not have to be categorized with children as my peers. SO yeah, boss lady did not have a great reaction leading to actually a few snarky emails which i did not indulge with a response because i am trying to be adult about the whole thing. and i'm not supposed to be destressing regardless. clearly boss lady took it personally which is completely ridiculous. i'll reserve my thoughts on her appointment on another blog.
i can't say that i miss work. i do miss some of the people, others i had no regard of or opinion otherwise. they could be potted plants for all i care. i would have liked to have been proven wrong about hello kitty nazi [hkn] but i know when i do return, she'll probably make me "pay for it." obviously being sick warrants retribution from upper management. i should've just quit when i did and maybe hkn and i could've been friends. oh well. what's even greater is that i could've taken the time off sooner but there misplaced loyalty on my part, dutifully waiting until everyone came back from vacation til i sprung this sick thing on her. nevermind the fact she sent me home on a monday because i spent a half hour clutching my sides in pain (completely masking my panic attack mind you, which no one knew about). or i have been updating her about it. or the fact that she let 2 mgrs go take time off regardless of lack of staffing because the other reason for time off was soooo valid. the next time i want to take time off i'll let hkn know my boyfriend's in town. losers, i can't stand them. the situation's so f*ed up, it's just laughable. i hesitate to believe her being so obtuse about things, but obviously i don't need to hesitate any longer. i should also add selfish and self serving to that list of characteristics. and if were 10 yrs old and ignorant, i'd call her retarded.
really the only left to do is brush myself off, pick up my stuff, clean up my desk, and realize that sometimes the brightest light comes from a burning bridge.
fight 'em til you can't. 100308/1841hrs
i'm out from work for 2 weeks, scheduled to return on 10/13. what's great about the whole situation is that the lady boss is going to hold this against me. apparently she doesn't understand the horrific beautiful truth about calling out sick is (1) it's unexpected and (2) you can't say/do much about a doctor's note. i can't return to work unless he says so and if do go to work before my time, she'll have an hr matter.
i can't say that i miss work. i do miss some of the people, others i had no regard of or opinion otherwise. they could be potted plants for all i care. i would have liked to have been proven wrong about hello kitty nazi [hkn] but i know when i do return, she'll probably make me "pay for it." obviously being sick warrants retribution from upper management. i should've just quit when i did and maybe hkn and i could've been friends. oh well. what's even greater is that i could've taken the time off sooner but there misplaced loyalty on my part, dutifully waiting until everyone came back from vacation til i sprung this sick thing on her. nevermind the fact she sent me home on a monday because i spent a half hour clutching my sides in pain (completely masking my panic attack mind you, which no one knew about). or i have been updating her about it. or the fact that she let 2 mgrs go take time off regardless of lack of staffing because the other reason for time off was soooo valid. the next time i want to take time off i'll let hkn know my boyfriend's in town. losers, i can't stand them. the situation's so f*ed up, it's just laughable. i hesitate to believe her being so obtuse about things, but obviously i don't need to hesitate any longer. i should also add selfish and self serving to that list of characteristics. and if were 10 yrs old and ignorant, i'd call her retarded.
really the only left to do is brush myself off, pick up my stuff, clean up my desk, and realize that sometimes the brightest light comes from a burning bridge.
fight 'em til you can't. 100308/1841hrs
Friday, September 12, 2008
bulging disks
well, i went for the follow up with dr. norman today. tay was parking the car and he went outside to get something and saw me standing there. anyway, he went over my mri results. i have some slight disc bulging in 2 points along my spine but not where it compromises my spinalcord. i'm not sure how that could be treated but he said some therapy ought to do it just fine. so that's that. and then i have a herniated disc on the neck part of my spine. also, where the spine should be slightly curved to hold my head up, my spine is straight in that portion. causing pain and other delicious sorenesses. anyway he recommended some therapy, not everyday or anything, but it would beneficial for me to do so. the first step is conservative therapy, which is basically lie down to reduce stress on your spine and take anti-inflammatory drugs like ibuprofen or whatever else they may have prescribed to you. that muscle relaxant is gonna come in real handy.
it sort of pissed me off, herniated disc? wtf?! i got myself portable speakers for my ipod (iMainGo) and a MS usb wireless mouse. it sort of made me feel better. i think i need some time off.
fight 'em til we can't. 091208/1919hrs
it sort of pissed me off, herniated disc? wtf?! i got myself portable speakers for my ipod (iMainGo) and a MS usb wireless mouse. it sort of made me feel better. i think i need some time off.
fight 'em til we can't. 091208/1919hrs
never forgotten
7 years already.
another 50 years it'll be a section on international terrorism and some kid is gonna write midterm paper on it. hand it in to the prof along with his internship notes, score an A.
there are 2 things that make me cry with just a thought. Ma passing away and that day 7 years ago. There was fear and numbness and noise all rolled into one mortal coil. i wanted to run, i didn't know where tho. The sound of an USAF F16s or Vipers rushing above towards NYC, presumably to shoot down anything else targeting any other landmarks, breaking the sound barrier. see it above then boom! the windows shook. the feel of something in you bottoming out when they announced the WTC twin towers have collapsed. Waking up to the morning news of a plane crashing into the first tower and thinking my God, how'd that happen it's such a clear day. Then watching in horror and disbelief as the live news coverage showed another plane aimed at the second tower. The signal lost for a few seconds, coming back on to the horror and disbelief of the on air news staff. It was no accident. I went to the bar that night, Martina's Cantina I think, it was all over the news of course. people were trapped. people had jumped. people had said their goodbyes and made peace with Him. oh God, you can see the smoke and debris dust from the apt building, but we're so far south. that can't be right. for lack of anything else to do, my girls and i went to target on rt. 18, watched the parade of ambulances headed to NYC on the closed highways. all silent, all lit, all going at the same speed, all inside mentally preparing themselves for the abject chaos, entropy at one of it's purest forms, they will see. i worked that day, for an obscene amount of hours for me at the time. now it's 12 hour days easy. people didn't know where to go. people called their parents up and asked how they were doing and if they could come home and see them. i ate out of necessity. not sure if i slept. school was closed the next day.
how could anyone forget?
091208/0159hrs
another 50 years it'll be a section on international terrorism and some kid is gonna write midterm paper on it. hand it in to the prof along with his internship notes, score an A.
there are 2 things that make me cry with just a thought. Ma passing away and that day 7 years ago. There was fear and numbness and noise all rolled into one mortal coil. i wanted to run, i didn't know where tho. The sound of an USAF F16s or Vipers rushing above towards NYC, presumably to shoot down anything else targeting any other landmarks, breaking the sound barrier. see it above then boom! the windows shook. the feel of something in you bottoming out when they announced the WTC twin towers have collapsed. Waking up to the morning news of a plane crashing into the first tower and thinking my God, how'd that happen it's such a clear day. Then watching in horror and disbelief as the live news coverage showed another plane aimed at the second tower. The signal lost for a few seconds, coming back on to the horror and disbelief of the on air news staff. It was no accident. I went to the bar that night, Martina's Cantina I think, it was all over the news of course. people were trapped. people had jumped. people had said their goodbyes and made peace with Him. oh God, you can see the smoke and debris dust from the apt building, but we're so far south. that can't be right. for lack of anything else to do, my girls and i went to target on rt. 18, watched the parade of ambulances headed to NYC on the closed highways. all silent, all lit, all going at the same speed, all inside mentally preparing themselves for the abject chaos, entropy at one of it's purest forms, they will see. i worked that day, for an obscene amount of hours for me at the time. now it's 12 hour days easy. people didn't know where to go. people called their parents up and asked how they were doing and if they could come home and see them. i ate out of necessity. not sure if i slept. school was closed the next day.
how could anyone forget?
091208/0159hrs
Thursday, September 11, 2008
iPods galore
well steve jobs hates you. at least he hates you having money. the new iPods have been released into the wild and they are hot. the new iPod touch for example, currently on the short list of things to get but at least it's got a name. the other 2 items on the list are "netbook" and "kick ass cell phone." of course, by the end of the year we're also making our 2nd trip to tiffany's. that's alot of paychecks mate. of course these are things i don't really need. i have a perfectly fine laptop to use for internet and such so a netbook would just be redundant, but smaller. another cell phone, also useless as my samsung smartphone is more than enough for my average daily use of phone calls, massive texting, aim messaging, and facebook/ff-bsg browsing. i don't need another smartphone at all. as for the ipod touch, i have 2 perfectly fine mp3 players. in fact the nano in a fetching red, and the creative zen has all the software features that the new itouch has. realistically, a bunch of these software additions and hardware modifications have been on other companies' mp3 models. so ipods are popular because they're trendy, not so much technologically revolutionary. steve jobs is brilliant, even if he hates you.
now about me, ha! i've been feeling mighty off lately. i can't even sort mail without wanting to either drink myself to a stupor or whatever else may get me to that numbed sort of existence. i mean, honestly! i can't even clean my own room and usually i'm quite fastidious about keeping my ish clean. laundry? pfft! dry cleaning? pffft! common areas? ha! it bothers me for a fleeting moment, like head to toe annoyed at the situation and it just burns itself out and fizzles out to apathy. there's not even any food in the house and my GOD the grocery is a mere 2 minutes away and i'll just sit in front of the boobtube and watch more bloody hgtv. i definitely keep alot of big stuff in, despite running my mouth all the time. i just can't do things anymore. i don't take care of myself. i don't sleep [*cough* it's 2:13am and i'm blogging]. i don't drink enough water. i don't really eat and when i do it's not healthy stuff. i don't exercise. i'm not saying it's translating into psychosomatic concerns, shooting pains on my sides, heavy body, leaden limbs, fuzzy head but yeah i'm not doing so hot. time to make some moves. and i need to remember that God never gives you anything you can't handle.
fight 'em til you can't. 091108/0217hrs
now about me, ha! i've been feeling mighty off lately. i can't even sort mail without wanting to either drink myself to a stupor or whatever else may get me to that numbed sort of existence. i mean, honestly! i can't even clean my own room and usually i'm quite fastidious about keeping my ish clean. laundry? pfft! dry cleaning? pffft! common areas? ha! it bothers me for a fleeting moment, like head to toe annoyed at the situation and it just burns itself out and fizzles out to apathy. there's not even any food in the house and my GOD the grocery is a mere 2 minutes away and i'll just sit in front of the boobtube and watch more bloody hgtv. i definitely keep alot of big stuff in, despite running my mouth all the time. i just can't do things anymore. i don't take care of myself. i don't sleep [*cough* it's 2:13am and i'm blogging]. i don't drink enough water. i don't really eat and when i do it's not healthy stuff. i don't exercise. i'm not saying it's translating into psychosomatic concerns, shooting pains on my sides, heavy body, leaden limbs, fuzzy head but yeah i'm not doing so hot. time to make some moves. and i need to remember that God never gives you anything you can't handle.
fight 'em til you can't. 091108/0217hrs
Thursday, September 4, 2008
MRI
well, last night I did my 2nd training for the overnight. cynnia is def more organized than jason, but to be fair jason had a really awful cold that night & it was prob a miracle he did the overnight. on top of being robbed at knifepoint in the bronx, he had a crappy evening. lesson learned? don't have your blackberry on your belt, especially when it's labor day weekend and there are alot of out of towners. his parents have lived in that neighborhood for 20 years and he'd never had a problem.
i took tues off since cynnia offered to work, not wanting to lose her vaca day and hello kitty nazi already owed me a day from when goopy's pet called out 15 min before her shift & basically screwed me to do a last min double, for an overnight i wasn't trained for. while operationally it's a good idea for everyone to know how to do every shift, let's not deny that the training was brought about because goopy's pet had whined to hello kitty nazi that it's not fair she had to the overnight's whenever jason or cynnia were out. i kind of want to explain to both of that that's how seniority works and that the number 2, in position and treatment mind you, should not have to do any overnights. if she actually schedules me for one, i'm going to refuse it. office politics is so stupid. and i'd be the first to say i didn't want her as a manager because she's such a child. Lord, she tried to call out sick because she had her period! it makes you want to laugh & then start working half assed because hard work doesn't mean much especially if someone so idiotic is favored over you just because the mr. bipolar upstairs [or under the stairs] favors her.
anyway, now i'm waiting to go the medical imaging place to get my mri done. i have a full spine work up ordered the dr. norman. this should be interesting. it should've been earlier but here we are waiting for 6pm to roll around. i have to text grapegum later see if she'll pick my sorry ass up. otherwise, it'll be expensive town cab ride back home. it's really awful timing because i'd like to take some time off and of course work just acquired a new gen mgr so taking time off now would be just ludicrous. and possibly career killing. already they've transferred the dir. of f&b tony to another highgate property and dir. of sales alfred has been eliminated. something about cnetralizing the sales departments throughout all the hotels but keeping one rep in house for each property. makes sense instead of all the constant blackberry traffic, they can all be in one spot except for the "field agents." lol... ahh... well, change is always good, whether they fire you or relocate you. i'm sure mr. k knew this was going to happen but he couldn't have stopped it either way. good thing larry left before all the hoop-la.
i gotta freshen up for this mri think.
fight 'em til we can't. 090408/1602 hrs.
i took tues off since cynnia offered to work, not wanting to lose her vaca day and hello kitty nazi already owed me a day from when goopy's pet called out 15 min before her shift & basically screwed me to do a last min double, for an overnight i wasn't trained for. while operationally it's a good idea for everyone to know how to do every shift, let's not deny that the training was brought about because goopy's pet had whined to hello kitty nazi that it's not fair she had to the overnight's whenever jason or cynnia were out. i kind of want to explain to both of that that's how seniority works and that the number 2, in position and treatment mind you, should not have to do any overnights. if she actually schedules me for one, i'm going to refuse it. office politics is so stupid. and i'd be the first to say i didn't want her as a manager because she's such a child. Lord, she tried to call out sick because she had her period! it makes you want to laugh & then start working half assed because hard work doesn't mean much especially if someone so idiotic is favored over you just because the mr. bipolar upstairs [or under the stairs] favors her.
anyway, now i'm waiting to go the medical imaging place to get my mri done. i have a full spine work up ordered the dr. norman. this should be interesting. it should've been earlier but here we are waiting for 6pm to roll around. i have to text grapegum later see if she'll pick my sorry ass up. otherwise, it'll be expensive town cab ride back home. it's really awful timing because i'd like to take some time off and of course work just acquired a new gen mgr so taking time off now would be just ludicrous. and possibly career killing. already they've transferred the dir. of f&b tony to another highgate property and dir. of sales alfred has been eliminated. something about cnetralizing the sales departments throughout all the hotels but keeping one rep in house for each property. makes sense instead of all the constant blackberry traffic, they can all be in one spot except for the "field agents." lol... ahh... well, change is always good, whether they fire you or relocate you. i'm sure mr. k knew this was going to happen but he couldn't have stopped it either way. good thing larry left before all the hoop-la.
i gotta freshen up for this mri think.
fight 'em til we can't. 090408/1602 hrs.
Monday, August 18, 2008
unceremonious mind dump
does the old adage kill them with kindness ever actually kill anyone?
hatred. hostility. self reflection.
wow, like calling the kettle black you little shit.
LIAR. exaggerated facts.
it's only been 6 weeks you fuck, look at the calendar. you want some bank receipts.
hypocrite.
ice castles.
neurotics build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them.
necessity of a therapist.
anger management class.
you were always staying out after work, let's not get it twisted like he was the reason.
how many times have i had to practically beg you to pick me up?
i walked home 2x because you were at the gym and didn't feel like coming home.
i waited for ugewan 2x for 10pm so i didn't have to walk even though work started at 1oam.
and kuya picked me up once cuz you were fucking busy.
you are an ASSHOLE.
you! you do have an attitude problem.
you do NOT know better at twentyfuckingone years old you shit.
clean up your shit. get off the couch.
you're a girl,
very careful to pay for food, eat what food??? you don't buy groceries!
i'm not paying for shit anymore.
oh God, it's too frakkin bad she's dead she'd straighten your self righteous ass out in a half a second.
it may be wrong but it pleases me to no end she agreed with me.
sibling relationships are complex but for some reason they lean towards passive hostility.
i'm his family and if you don't get that, you're an idiot. or have the mentality of a child.
26, you've got no excuse. grow the fuck up.
if the old man tells you to leave it alone, listen. he's a veteran of 30 year long family feuds and familial disconnects.
maybe if you hated yourself less, you wouldn't be such a dick to people around you.
remember this? you're so concerned with all the suffering people in the fucking world, but you can't even examine what goes on within these 4 walls. now, stop being a douche, go downstairs, and eat dinner with the family.
forgive but don't forget.
i got my eye on you, you've got some mental impediment.
God, I'm tired.
hatred. hostility. self reflection.
wow, like calling the kettle black you little shit.
LIAR. exaggerated facts.
it's only been 6 weeks you fuck, look at the calendar. you want some bank receipts.
hypocrite.
ice castles.
neurotics build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them.
necessity of a therapist.
anger management class.
you were always staying out after work, let's not get it twisted like he was the reason.
how many times have i had to practically beg you to pick me up?
i walked home 2x because you were at the gym and didn't feel like coming home.
i waited for ugewan 2x for 10pm so i didn't have to walk even though work started at 1oam.
and kuya picked me up once cuz you were fucking busy.
you are an ASSHOLE.
you! you do have an attitude problem.
you do NOT know better at twentyfuckingone years old you shit.
clean up your shit. get off the couch.
you're a girl,
very careful to pay for food, eat what food??? you don't buy groceries!
i'm not paying for shit anymore.
oh God, it's too frakkin bad she's dead she'd straighten your self righteous ass out in a half a second.
it may be wrong but it pleases me to no end she agreed with me.
sibling relationships are complex but for some reason they lean towards passive hostility.
i'm his family and if you don't get that, you're an idiot. or have the mentality of a child.
26, you've got no excuse. grow the fuck up.
if the old man tells you to leave it alone, listen. he's a veteran of 30 year long family feuds and familial disconnects.
maybe if you hated yourself less, you wouldn't be such a dick to people around you.
remember this? you're so concerned with all the suffering people in the fucking world, but you can't even examine what goes on within these 4 walls. now, stop being a douche, go downstairs, and eat dinner with the family.
forgive but don't forget.
i got my eye on you, you've got some mental impediment.
God, I'm tired.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
the limit doesn't exist, thanks Mr. T.
Mr. Tarrant was my high school homeroom teacher. He was the only math teacher at HTHS when I arrived there in 1994. There were I think 94 students in the entire school. The superintendent knew all the kids' names and at least one parent. He smelled like moth balls because he probably kept his suit jackets in storage. But he did always have a suit jacket and slacks, also wore a tie. He taught math with a passion, always taught us to be respect ourselves so we could be respectful to each other. He gave me "Hyperspace" and secured that I would traverse that road of geekdom. Physics is good reading, I tell ya. He nudged me on that same route for the next 4 years, handing me the Science section of the NY Times when I walked into homeroom. Or leaving it on the corner of his desk if he was somewhere else. He continued to be a presence in our young lives, teaching math, rarely getting annoyed with the kids. He was well liked, respected. On my senior year, taking the calc final I got stuck on something. He gave me a small hint, he said it was a birthday present. I passed. lol. After graduation, we [my circle of girls] met up with him a few other times. The last time was a few years ago, Trini was deciding so we went to a Vietnamese restaurant in JC. He paid for dinner even though we had jobs. It was gentleman-ly. Trini always kept up, told us what's up. I don't remember seeing him at MadRat's graduation. I was thrown off by people thinking Pepe was my kid.
Two days ago, I got the news that Mr. T passed away. My sister had called me on my way out of work. I got to speak with Danny the next day. He said the neighbors had noticed he hadn't moved his car for a couple of days and that he was getting multiple parking tickets. JC and it's alternate side street parking. Authorities were alerted. They called Mrs. Brancato most likely and the news was passed on. He died alone and no one knew. I hope he didn't suffer. I hope he knew he had touched so many young lives and that he will be missed. I was looking forward to seeing him at a 10 year reunion. Rest in peace Mr. T.
Two days ago, I got the news that Mr. T passed away. My sister had called me on my way out of work. I got to speak with Danny the next day. He said the neighbors had noticed he hadn't moved his car for a couple of days and that he was getting multiple parking tickets. JC and it's alternate side street parking. Authorities were alerted. They called Mrs. Brancato most likely and the news was passed on. He died alone and no one knew. I hope he didn't suffer. I hope he knew he had touched so many young lives and that he will be missed. I was looking forward to seeing him at a 10 year reunion. Rest in peace Mr. T.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
how apropos
the last blog was post #69. figures it'd be the one where i was talking about being screwed all the time. if there are no coincidences why do things always seem so contrived.
to update on that last rant, i did manage to finish my resume today. even if i didn't do my laundry or clean up much else of my room, i did manage to finish that. i even saved it on my flash drive because you just never know who you're going to meet who might be hiring.
so there! ha!
uhh....*sigh*
fight 'em til we can't. 1229/072408
to update on that last rant, i did manage to finish my resume today. even if i didn't do my laundry or clean up much else of my room, i did manage to finish that. i even saved it on my flash drive because you just never know who you're going to meet who might be hiring.
so there! ha!
uhh....*sigh*
fight 'em til we can't. 1229/072408
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Dark Knight
last night we [giant, grapegum, madratter] went to see the Dark Knight. it was a great action movie, good storytelling, good acting all together. it's a shame heath ledger did not see the outcome of his movie; batman in general is a crowd pleaser. the movie made $18.5mil alone at the midnight showing on opening day.
batman is an interesting character because i think it shows the possibilities of (wo)man. i'm not saying we should all have a huge tragedy happen in our lives so that each individual makes a difference in the world. but we don't all to sit on our ass all day and not feel like we've contributed positively or negatively in our world.
[aside] honestly, i think that's what gets me 95% of the time at work. what does working in a hotel do to make the world better or my life more fulfilling. it's just putting out fires with guest complaints and being subjected to the dramas of 3 dozen people on a daily basis. honestly i was better off working the PM shifts because even if the rooms weren't ready or we were short on something, i went home after 10 hours. people aren't f-ing adults, they don't take responsibility for being adults, they all play games, and if thrown in the real world they'd sh!t their f-ing pants. ok, maybe not all. there are the select few who know the differences between want and need. and generally, myself included, i think people just whine too much. it's what 99% of the population is good for. rightfully so, i'm disgusted with myself at the moment for sitting on the terrace blogging while there's work to be done. on the other hand, i'm tired as fcuk. seriously every day it's the same little things at work, same complaints, same problems, same lame ass dramas. it's a good thing some people are on vacation.
speaking of vacation, i really need to take one. either that or file for a mental health leave or something. i'm not sure why i don't stand up for myself. or make my life better. i keep telling myself to finish my resume but giant made a perceived condescending observation that while i'm miserable at my job, i seem to be perfectly comfortable staying there despite all the health problems i am undoubtedly getting because of that place. instead of being subjected to a sudden traumatic event, mine is slowly being stretched on for the last 3 years. i'm dead serious when i say i'm going to blame alot of health issues on that hotel. it's got bad karma, bad energy. ulcers, tumors, cancer [from the asbestos], constant migraines, even ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder). i should get a therapist.
speaking of therapist, that's what batman should've gotten. the duality of a man. a madman tempered by humanity. tragedy's a bitch i tell you. there are some days i feel like the family is toppling because for some reason i thought my parents would live f-ing forever. and now that one's gone, it's a broken formation; there's a drill sergeant missing. the psychology of batman is going to be playing on the history channel this weekend. i hope i remember to watch it; i'll probably forget. the old man wants to go Borgata this weekend. maybe i'll win something at the slots, enough for an unnecessary coach bag at the outlets down there.
i keep saying i need to make change and i can't get myself out of this rut. it's not even the all encompassing, final kind of destruction i'm doing to myself. it's more the passive, stroll to a slow practical death. i'm not happy, bottom line. i'm amused by things, interest is peaked on certain things but generally i have no desire to expend energy on anything. and once i get through the hurdle = lack of motivation, my life would start to pick up and my happiness would eventually increase. i look at those around me, upper management for example. do i really want to be there? do i really want to aspire to be that kind of a person? and giant said he will not have our relationship dictated by a j-o-b. it's not even a career. and right now i make no money, comparatively, to the position i hold and the work i do. it's f-ing ridiculous. sweatshop workers are subjected to conditions as such because they have no choice/desperation or society traps them in social classes forced to work in those conditions. a social essay aside, i'm not one of those people. this is a voluntary imprisonment. all i'm saying is sweatshop workers know what they are in for and no i'm not being insensitive to their lives or their poverty. i have no idea why i'm being abused, most often by people ruled by their whims, mood swings, hedonistic goals, or who's life is monitored by their own stupidity or ignorance. i work long hours, frustrated by lack of tools, lack of motivating appreciative leaders, and general malcontent towards the machine. and yet i don't have to be.
the world is a tough place and people are sheltered. sheltered by their class, their financial situation, their parents. everyone should at least know what it's like to be really hungry and not know when you're going to eat next.
1608 hrs/072308
batman is an interesting character because i think it shows the possibilities of (wo)man. i'm not saying we should all have a huge tragedy happen in our lives so that each individual makes a difference in the world. but we don't all to sit on our ass all day and not feel like we've contributed positively or negatively in our world.
[aside] honestly, i think that's what gets me 95% of the time at work. what does working in a hotel do to make the world better or my life more fulfilling. it's just putting out fires with guest complaints and being subjected to the dramas of 3 dozen people on a daily basis. honestly i was better off working the PM shifts because even if the rooms weren't ready or we were short on something, i went home after 10 hours. people aren't f-ing adults, they don't take responsibility for being adults, they all play games, and if thrown in the real world they'd sh!t their f-ing pants. ok, maybe not all. there are the select few who know the differences between want and need. and generally, myself included, i think people just whine too much. it's what 99% of the population is good for. rightfully so, i'm disgusted with myself at the moment for sitting on the terrace blogging while there's work to be done. on the other hand, i'm tired as fcuk. seriously every day it's the same little things at work, same complaints, same problems, same lame ass dramas. it's a good thing some people are on vacation.
speaking of vacation, i really need to take one. either that or file for a mental health leave or something. i'm not sure why i don't stand up for myself. or make my life better. i keep telling myself to finish my resume but giant made a perceived condescending observation that while i'm miserable at my job, i seem to be perfectly comfortable staying there despite all the health problems i am undoubtedly getting because of that place. instead of being subjected to a sudden traumatic event, mine is slowly being stretched on for the last 3 years. i'm dead serious when i say i'm going to blame alot of health issues on that hotel. it's got bad karma, bad energy. ulcers, tumors, cancer [from the asbestos], constant migraines, even ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder). i should get a therapist.
speaking of therapist, that's what batman should've gotten. the duality of a man. a madman tempered by humanity. tragedy's a bitch i tell you. there are some days i feel like the family is toppling because for some reason i thought my parents would live f-ing forever. and now that one's gone, it's a broken formation; there's a drill sergeant missing. the psychology of batman is going to be playing on the history channel this weekend. i hope i remember to watch it; i'll probably forget. the old man wants to go Borgata this weekend. maybe i'll win something at the slots, enough for an unnecessary coach bag at the outlets down there.
i keep saying i need to make change and i can't get myself out of this rut. it's not even the all encompassing, final kind of destruction i'm doing to myself. it's more the passive, stroll to a slow practical death. i'm not happy, bottom line. i'm amused by things, interest is peaked on certain things but generally i have no desire to expend energy on anything. and once i get through the hurdle = lack of motivation, my life would start to pick up and my happiness would eventually increase. i look at those around me, upper management for example. do i really want to be there? do i really want to aspire to be that kind of a person? and giant said he will not have our relationship dictated by a j-o-b. it's not even a career. and right now i make no money, comparatively, to the position i hold and the work i do. it's f-ing ridiculous. sweatshop workers are subjected to conditions as such because they have no choice/desperation or society traps them in social classes forced to work in those conditions. a social essay aside, i'm not one of those people. this is a voluntary imprisonment. all i'm saying is sweatshop workers know what they are in for and no i'm not being insensitive to their lives or their poverty. i have no idea why i'm being abused, most often by people ruled by their whims, mood swings, hedonistic goals, or who's life is monitored by their own stupidity or ignorance. i work long hours, frustrated by lack of tools, lack of motivating appreciative leaders, and general malcontent towards the machine. and yet i don't have to be.
the world is a tough place and people are sheltered. sheltered by their class, their financial situation, their parents. everyone should at least know what it's like to be really hungry and not know when you're going to eat next.
1608 hrs/072308
Sunday, July 20, 2008
mohawk
tay picked me up today. i forgot to get my dry cleaning while i was at it; i'm down 4 suits. i gave him a venezuelan cancer stick and he stood on the porch steps grinning. i didn't notice the old man had a mohawk. madratter gave him a haircut today. not sure if he's gonna keep it for work though. give the old man props. he's right, if he goes senile we won't notice. hahahaha
speaking of work, with pepe's grandma in peru, the kid'll be here the whole summer. we're trying to figure out how to salvage what's left of our weekend downtimes but it's gonna be rough considering we can't take the kid no more than 5 miles from here. sucks. we wanna see dark knight but the movie ain't for her and who the hell else is gonna watch the runt? not for nothing, i love the kid but she's like a ball of 5 year old crazy! LoL
on other news, oldrat is going white water rafting. grapegum is trying to hit the beach. giant, myself, madratter are gonna end up with pepe. the old man will probably chauffeur. i just need to get shiet done.
fight 'em til we can't. 1233hrs/072008
speaking of work, with pepe's grandma in peru, the kid'll be here the whole summer. we're trying to figure out how to salvage what's left of our weekend downtimes but it's gonna be rough considering we can't take the kid no more than 5 miles from here. sucks. we wanna see dark knight but the movie ain't for her and who the hell else is gonna watch the runt? not for nothing, i love the kid but she's like a ball of 5 year old crazy! LoL
on other news, oldrat is going white water rafting. grapegum is trying to hit the beach. giant, myself, madratter are gonna end up with pepe. the old man will probably chauffeur. i just need to get shiet done.
fight 'em til we can't. 1233hrs/072008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
hey now, you're an all star
the all-star game went into 15 innings last night with the AL 4-3 win over NL. it went on until 2am i think. i'm tired, i could barely stay awake to watch the game. but yay for the american league!
on other breaking news, i went to tiffany's with chasingamy yesterday. it was a last minute trip that we had decided on. chasingamy is anticipating quite a fight, for custody and the dissolution of her marriage. he's a douche for walking out on his wife and 4 month old son, and i personally think he should get whatever rights she deems worthy. she's not a monster, a son should have a father. but considering his actions, the court should really take that into consideration. she should have full custody and he should support his son. chasingamy had been saving a little bit of money just for herself as soon enough, all her money will be going to these court proceedings. regardless, it's not like we went nuts. we don't have money anyway! lol
we came out of there with one ring each. very beautiful rings from the frank gehry line, torque collection. they are conservative with a twist, she got narrow silver band model and i got the open one. when trying them out, they fit better that way but we originally had our eye on the open one. chasingamy could get the open one but where it on her ring finger with the narrow band on the pointer finger. i'm wearing the open ring on my pointer finger and the narrow band would look hot on my ring finger. lol.... we are ring buddies. we walked in there and decided we couldn't be bracelet buddies, like on friends LOL.
we walked down fifth ave, past all those stores that smelled like money and wished to win the lotto. after our initial high wore off, we got really tired and nauseous for spending moolah we could've saved for a rainy day. Lord knows the lawyers are after me on my bills. i just don't make enough, sorry! we went to europa cafe, split an avocado/tomato/cucumber sandwish and each had a little something sweet. macaroon for her, chocolate pretzel for me, and we each had an iced coffee. we sat and chatted for awhile, random stuff. of course we opened our little blue boxes and admired our rings. like i whispered in the store "why is she wrapping it? i'm gonna wear that sh!t home." then we walked back to g-mount, peed, showed them off to our colleagues and went our separate ways home.
all in all, a decent day. decent only because i had to work & i'm sure there's some fallout from yesterday about something or another. like how the am staff i supposedly managed had been telling people to come back later in the evening to room move. otherwise it would've been a really nice day. it doesn't take much for me these days, even if we didn't buy anything from tiffany's. i'm so burned out & if the lawyers hadn't taken my money...i'd have run away by now. anyway, let me see if i can get friday off. i'm owed.
i'll try to keep in mind what someone said, soco's a motherf*ckin soldier.
fight 'em til you can't. 071608/1204hrs.
on other breaking news, i went to tiffany's with chasingamy yesterday. it was a last minute trip that we had decided on. chasingamy is anticipating quite a fight, for custody and the dissolution of her marriage. he's a douche for walking out on his wife and 4 month old son, and i personally think he should get whatever rights she deems worthy. she's not a monster, a son should have a father. but considering his actions, the court should really take that into consideration. she should have full custody and he should support his son. chasingamy had been saving a little bit of money just for herself as soon enough, all her money will be going to these court proceedings. regardless, it's not like we went nuts. we don't have money anyway! lol
we came out of there with one ring each. very beautiful rings from the frank gehry line, torque collection. they are conservative with a twist, she got narrow silver band model and i got the open one. when trying them out, they fit better that way but we originally had our eye on the open one. chasingamy could get the open one but where it on her ring finger with the narrow band on the pointer finger. i'm wearing the open ring on my pointer finger and the narrow band would look hot on my ring finger. lol.... we are ring buddies. we walked in there and decided we couldn't be bracelet buddies, like on friends LOL.
we walked down fifth ave, past all those stores that smelled like money and wished to win the lotto. after our initial high wore off, we got really tired and nauseous for spending moolah we could've saved for a rainy day. Lord knows the lawyers are after me on my bills. i just don't make enough, sorry! we went to europa cafe, split an avocado/tomato/cucumber sandwish and each had a little something sweet. macaroon for her, chocolate pretzel for me, and we each had an iced coffee. we sat and chatted for awhile, random stuff. of course we opened our little blue boxes and admired our rings. like i whispered in the store "why is she wrapping it? i'm gonna wear that sh!t home." then we walked back to g-mount, peed, showed them off to our colleagues and went our separate ways home.
all in all, a decent day. decent only because i had to work & i'm sure there's some fallout from yesterday about something or another. like how the am staff i supposedly managed had been telling people to come back later in the evening to room move. otherwise it would've been a really nice day. it doesn't take much for me these days, even if we didn't buy anything from tiffany's. i'm so burned out & if the lawyers hadn't taken my money...i'd have run away by now. anyway, let me see if i can get friday off. i'm owed.
i'll try to keep in mind what someone said, soco's a motherf*ckin soldier.
fight 'em til you can't. 071608/1204hrs.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
communication
today at work, i missed a vital part of the morning meeting where the gm had said that the temp comptroller is to get a specially prepared room due to her allergies. i blocked a room for said comptroller but did not leave any notes as to why, considering i had no idea why a dnu should be in place. later on, when the kidd checked her in he changed the room out to something comparable and thought nothing of it. i got the heat for it of course because i didn't put any alerts on the file. cynnia got questioned as to why there are no alerts & she smartly answered just because it's comp by you, the gm, doesn't mean we block rooms for it. he said that's why he stressed it this morning & the honestly blank look on his face made him realize i wasn't at the meeting yet when he said it. i told him i didn't know that it was going to be a specially made room otherwise i would've put notes. ugh... anyway, next time i'll just make the leap and assume i should tell the entire world there's another comp room on the list and we should do everything in our ability to scramble at the beck and call like the peons below when zeus throws down his lightning bolts.
anyhoot... queenliz is in croatia. who knows if she'll come back. well she has to, she's got responsibilities here but considering when i spoke to her today before boarding the plane she had no return ticket purchased, i may wonder. she said i should go visit but not having a u.s. passport, i may not want to step out its borders.
i've got to make a move man. i'm sick of this.
today's horoscope: "You know that you have to contend with a powerful person now, even if it's unpleasant just thinking about it. Luckily, once you begin a conversation, it will go a lot more smoothly than you think. Your greatest strength is your mental agility, so don't stiffen up under the tension. If you can remain flexible and are willing to learn from your opponent, you'll probably get what you need out of the interaction."
i wonder if the goop's gonna start something tomorrow with me because he was off today. for some reason, i do stiffen up. i hate confrontations.
tomorrow's horoscope: "It's challenging when there are so many things to do that if you try to do them all, you'll end up doing none of them well. On the other hand, if you focus on finishing one task before you start the next, there still will be much left undone. Although it may be less fun, the quality of your work now is more important than the quantity."
apparently i need to learn to delegate. i'm so tired these days i don't even give a rat's ass about the quality so long as i get the list done.
fight 'em til you can't. 063008/2259 hrs
anyhoot... queenliz is in croatia. who knows if she'll come back. well she has to, she's got responsibilities here but considering when i spoke to her today before boarding the plane she had no return ticket purchased, i may wonder. she said i should go visit but not having a u.s. passport, i may not want to step out its borders.
i've got to make a move man. i'm sick of this.
today's horoscope: "You know that you have to contend with a powerful person now, even if it's unpleasant just thinking about it. Luckily, once you begin a conversation, it will go a lot more smoothly than you think. Your greatest strength is your mental agility, so don't stiffen up under the tension. If you can remain flexible and are willing to learn from your opponent, you'll probably get what you need out of the interaction."
i wonder if the goop's gonna start something tomorrow with me because he was off today. for some reason, i do stiffen up. i hate confrontations.
tomorrow's horoscope: "It's challenging when there are so many things to do that if you try to do them all, you'll end up doing none of them well. On the other hand, if you focus on finishing one task before you start the next, there still will be much left undone. Although it may be less fun, the quality of your work now is more important than the quantity."
apparently i need to learn to delegate. i'm so tired these days i don't even give a rat's ass about the quality so long as i get the list done.
fight 'em til you can't. 063008/2259 hrs
Sunday, June 29, 2008
horoscopes
today's [or is it tomorrow's] horoscope says:
"You might think that someone is purposefully messing with you behind the scenes, but it's not something you'll be able to prove. Instead of trying to bring hidden facts or secret motives out into the open today, just go about your business in a straightforward way. Don't get into a tit-for-tat strategy. You can't win now if you try to outwit someone trying to outwit you."
what the hell? considering how work is and the political climate there... though it could be worse. it could always be worse! lol. at least i still have my sense of humor.
i'm going to bed, after my 3 hour nap. i'm tired.
fight 'em til you can't. 062908 0119hrs.
"You might think that someone is purposefully messing with you behind the scenes, but it's not something you'll be able to prove. Instead of trying to bring hidden facts or secret motives out into the open today, just go about your business in a straightforward way. Don't get into a tit-for-tat strategy. You can't win now if you try to outwit someone trying to outwit you."
what the hell? considering how work is and the political climate there... though it could be worse. it could always be worse! lol. at least i still have my sense of humor.
i'm going to bed, after my 3 hour nap. i'm tired.
fight 'em til you can't. 062908 0119hrs.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
cornered?
well, interesting developments at work. i'm not sure if this constitutes as harrassment but i damn sure feel my job security went right out the window. those kinds of meetings blow. anyway, during today's morning meeting, the gm was kind enough to point out that i'll be filling in for the fom and to offer their support to me while she's gone. i can't say that i'm too excited seeing as how my work days just got longer. at least for the next 2 weeks. ever feel trapped in something? changes need to happen. at the very least i need to take some days off. i got out of work after 12 hours and it would've been longer if i hadn't squirreled myself away to the last terminal at in house. interesting things one hears when the operators don't know their manager is sitting right around the corner...
which reminds me, i have an eye appointment tomorrow. i've been wearing my glasses to rest my eyes from having contacts on all day. it's kind of nice, there's nothing resting on my eyeball. of course, not much has changed of my opinion on glasses. everything you see has a frame around it. maybe it'll help with perspective but mostly, especially with summertime & sun, it'll just give me a weird face tan. but at least i look HOT in these glasses. lol!
what else? oh phil the bellman had their baby today. they named her melia. apparently sol melia had a huge effect on him... lol totally kidding. they just like the name. phil is done for! that little teeny tiny baby already has him wrapped around her finger hahaha we started a collection at work, how awful we are! we didn't think to do this earlier, this gift giving.
last night, i went out with the sisters. we went to see an alfred hitchcock play called "the 39 steps." no expectations on the play really except that i was tired and most likely would've fallen asleep. anyway, it was hysterically funny. well written 4 person cast show. their visual effects were 1930's based most definitely but well executed. i wouldn't mind seeing it again actually. i still owe madhatter moolah for that.
i think that's it. another day, another dollar. same sh!t, different day. if only i could do this somewhere else. believe me, i like what i do. i just don't like the atmosphere there and i'm beginning to get just a whiff of hostile.
fight 'em til you can't. 2110 hrs.
which reminds me, i have an eye appointment tomorrow. i've been wearing my glasses to rest my eyes from having contacts on all day. it's kind of nice, there's nothing resting on my eyeball. of course, not much has changed of my opinion on glasses. everything you see has a frame around it. maybe it'll help with perspective but mostly, especially with summertime & sun, it'll just give me a weird face tan. but at least i look HOT in these glasses. lol!
what else? oh phil the bellman had their baby today. they named her melia. apparently sol melia had a huge effect on him... lol totally kidding. they just like the name. phil is done for! that little teeny tiny baby already has him wrapped around her finger hahaha we started a collection at work, how awful we are! we didn't think to do this earlier, this gift giving.
last night, i went out with the sisters. we went to see an alfred hitchcock play called "the 39 steps." no expectations on the play really except that i was tired and most likely would've fallen asleep. anyway, it was hysterically funny. well written 4 person cast show. their visual effects were 1930's based most definitely but well executed. i wouldn't mind seeing it again actually. i still owe madhatter moolah for that.
i think that's it. another day, another dollar. same sh!t, different day. if only i could do this somewhere else. believe me, i like what i do. i just don't like the atmosphere there and i'm beginning to get just a whiff of hostile.
fight 'em til you can't. 2110 hrs.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Memorial Day
Our dear friend Kenneth Sackey was murdered on Memorial Day weekend in the Bronx. They said it was some sort of altercation earlier in the weekend and they had basically followed him going home from the family barbeque. Kenny ran for his life and eventually they caught him in a building and shot him. He was pronounced dead on arrival at St. Barnabas. So far police have no leads as to who murdered him.
Kenny worked at the hotel. He's been there close to a year. He was a security guard for the hotel, always came to work with a genuine smile on his face and a real happiness seeing people he knew and liked. He was funny, he was smart, and he always had a good Navy story or some other life ridiculousness type of anecdote (sp). He did his job well and he got along with everyone. He always made me laugh, he listened to what I had to say and when it came to the job he respected my position and his responsibility. He had my back when guests became out of hand and he threw out the ones that I deemed no good for the hotel. He did it with a sense of humor and never let anything get too him, not for too long anyway.
It was a short blurb in the newspaper. The newspaper left out that his birthday was only celebrated 3 days before his death. Nor will others know that he served in the US Navy for a good decade, travelling all over the world while he was enlisted. They will never know how he just broke up with his girlfriend because she wasn't good for him. They didn't know that after being a security guard for so long that he finally caught a break. He was going to be an engineer at the hotel. He applied for the open position and got it. The hotel was going to send him to school so he could be an even better engineer. He took the FSD class and the exams all on his own so that when he does get on shift for Engineering, he could be the FSD on duty too. The Chief already agreed to have him do his on site test at the Pmt. He was starting that week. I told him get ready because the place is a nightmare, things always breaking down and he knew I'd be demanding. He walked with people to their train stops and bus stations because it was late at night. He offered to get food for me because he knew I am always too busy to eat lunch. He played pranks on me on slow days. He used to twirl the keys in the lobby and I was worried he'd hit me in the eye because that cord was just too damn long. He had an infectious laugh and when he figured out what no good you were up to, he poked fun at you for it and all you could do was laugh. Jose said he thought of me as a little sister and Kenny always paid me a compliments saying I didn't belong at my position because I work too hard and I was too good to take this kind of abuse. He also said I was the right height to be a fighter pilot because if I ever had to eject, I wouldn't hit my head on the way out. The last compliment he paid me, he said he never said that I was pretty and that sometimes he hears the heavenly bells when he sees me. The last time I saw him, he was coming into work [late *snicker*] and he was all dressed in a lighter blue with matching shoes and a big old smile on his face. And I had pointed at him from across the street and he laughed out loud. I didn't get to see him the last day he worked at the Pmt because he was up doing the detects and I was leaving late again and I just figured I'd see him next week when he started at Engineering. The following Tuesday morning was one of the worst days I've had.
Kenny, rest in peace my friend. I hope you knew that people respected you and will miss you terribly now that you're gone. That smile and that laugh will always be missed. Say hi to your mom and hi to mine please.
1800 hrs.
Kenny worked at the hotel. He's been there close to a year. He was a security guard for the hotel, always came to work with a genuine smile on his face and a real happiness seeing people he knew and liked. He was funny, he was smart, and he always had a good Navy story or some other life ridiculousness type of anecdote (sp). He did his job well and he got along with everyone. He always made me laugh, he listened to what I had to say and when it came to the job he respected my position and his responsibility. He had my back when guests became out of hand and he threw out the ones that I deemed no good for the hotel. He did it with a sense of humor and never let anything get too him, not for too long anyway.
It was a short blurb in the newspaper. The newspaper left out that his birthday was only celebrated 3 days before his death. Nor will others know that he served in the US Navy for a good decade, travelling all over the world while he was enlisted. They will never know how he just broke up with his girlfriend because she wasn't good for him. They didn't know that after being a security guard for so long that he finally caught a break. He was going to be an engineer at the hotel. He applied for the open position and got it. The hotel was going to send him to school so he could be an even better engineer. He took the FSD class and the exams all on his own so that when he does get on shift for Engineering, he could be the FSD on duty too. The Chief already agreed to have him do his on site test at the Pmt. He was starting that week. I told him get ready because the place is a nightmare, things always breaking down and he knew I'd be demanding. He walked with people to their train stops and bus stations because it was late at night. He offered to get food for me because he knew I am always too busy to eat lunch. He played pranks on me on slow days. He used to twirl the keys in the lobby and I was worried he'd hit me in the eye because that cord was just too damn long. He had an infectious laugh and when he figured out what no good you were up to, he poked fun at you for it and all you could do was laugh. Jose said he thought of me as a little sister and Kenny always paid me a compliments saying I didn't belong at my position because I work too hard and I was too good to take this kind of abuse. He also said I was the right height to be a fighter pilot because if I ever had to eject, I wouldn't hit my head on the way out. The last compliment he paid me, he said he never said that I was pretty and that sometimes he hears the heavenly bells when he sees me. The last time I saw him, he was coming into work [late *snicker*] and he was all dressed in a lighter blue with matching shoes and a big old smile on his face. And I had pointed at him from across the street and he laughed out loud. I didn't get to see him the last day he worked at the Pmt because he was up doing the detects and I was leaving late again and I just figured I'd see him next week when he started at Engineering. The following Tuesday morning was one of the worst days I've had.
Kenny, rest in peace my friend. I hope you knew that people respected you and will miss you terribly now that you're gone. That smile and that laugh will always be missed. Say hi to your mom and hi to mine please.
1800 hrs.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
365 days
Last night was so balls hot, Uge-wan hauled the A/C units up from the basement. One in my room, and one in the living room [currently where everyone is hanging out]. Grapegum's room is mad hot but I get full exposure in my room. Mama always said my room was crazy bright; she liked it. Their room was in the back. I heard Uge-wan huffing and puffing up the stairs. He only brought up 2, he said the suckers were heavy and he got tired. LoL
Due to the leap year and all, 365 days ago was when our world got turned upside down. At about 1:37am that time, the house phone rang. It was the night duty nurse, she said my mom wasn't breathing, they performed emergency procedures but she unfortunately "expired." Yup, she used that word. I suppose she was trying to be factual and not cold but I felt the world drop out from under my feet. I was standing in the hallway outside my room because for some reason someone put the phone that was in my parents room in the hallway outside my door. I was tired from work, came home later than usual due to some delay on the turnpike. I heard the first time the phone was ringing but I was hearing right past when I was about to fall asleep. I didn't want to pick up the phone, no one ever calls at that time and no one ever calls the house line that late. I curse caller ID because the bad feeling had crept up behind my head, like a cloud weighing a ton. She told me and I screamed and everyone woke up in the house. My father was still at work but he said at 1:25am, he told his supervisor he had to go home right frakkin now. He was only 3 hours into his shift. He felt it, she was passing. It was his first day back at work after being on medical leave, which he took when she had her quadruple heart bypass.
I'm not sure how long I screamed. I felt my face was all wet. My skin itched. My skin felt like it was on fire. My legs felt like lead. My head felt like lead. My skin prickled in pain. My eyes burned and I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't stop yelling. I ran all the way downstairs to the basement, to Kuya's room screaming. I think I threw the phone and I told him to fix it because the stupid lady on the phone said Ma was dead. I can't erase his face. Then I ran back up to the living room. I said we had to call Tay. We had to call Kuya. I think Kuya Uge called Tay, who was signing himself out of work. He kept asking him if he was ok to drive back home. Tay was quiet, Kuya was sobbing he kept saying the girls were crying and he doesn't know what to do. I called Kuya Ugo and he screamed on the phone. I don't remember hanging up with him. Tim was on the phone, I think with Tita Zeny. Dawn was sitting by the foyer mirrors, crying with her head down. My little sister, I'm sorry I woke you up like that. I went upstairs and I told Joaquin to call work, let them know I wasn't going to be coming in for awhile. Then I started to get dressed, crying hysterically. I was screaming at them to go to her because she was dead and she was all alone and none of us where there. I felt the guilt climbing into my stomach, like a hot piece of heavy coal. My head was pounding. Kuya Uge gripped my upper arms, I'm not sure what he said but I think he was trying to calm me down. I remember thinking I've never seen my big brother cry. The 3 of them left. Tay was on his way there already. Kuya Ugo was coming to get me and Joaquin. Tita Zeny called my phone, she was talking about God and I kept thinking is it a boat on a river? Pray for her soul for safe passage.
We got into the van, Erika drove. Kuya passed me tissues. Kuya Uge met us at the door, he told me I had to be quiet. The other patients were sleeping and Ma has a roommate who's probably scared to death that someone died on the next bed. She was laying there, looking like she was asleep. She smelled like her perfume that Kuya Ugo gave on her last birthday. But she was cold and her face looked ashy. And strangled sobbing escaped from my throat, I felt like choking and vomiting. But I grabbed her hand and I rubbed it on my face and I cried for my Mama and all the conversations and laughs we will never have. And I can't believe it because I just talked to her not more than 5 hours ago. And what the fuck are we going to do because Mama's gone and she never complained how much she suffered.
My 27th year sucked. And for the rest of my life my birthdays will be overshadowed by the painful memories of that night. It sounds selfish but I mean really, Happy Birthday and Death Anniversary?! Dawn was the only one who thought that; she would too. I've had 365 days of living just because. It's not enough just to survive I hear. It's time to wake up because even though my mother wasn't perfect, she was the best mother I - we could've asked for. And she wouldn't want us stagnating in our lives just because she wasn't there anymore. Whether to poke fun at us or laugh with us or just be the sound listening ear she always was, because we are her kids damn it. And just like when we were young and it was hot so she'd let us strip down to our underwear to run around during a family get together, she would want us to be free.
Fight them until you can't. 2303 hours.
Due to the leap year and all, 365 days ago was when our world got turned upside down. At about 1:37am that time, the house phone rang. It was the night duty nurse, she said my mom wasn't breathing, they performed emergency procedures but she unfortunately "expired." Yup, she used that word. I suppose she was trying to be factual and not cold but I felt the world drop out from under my feet. I was standing in the hallway outside my room because for some reason someone put the phone that was in my parents room in the hallway outside my door. I was tired from work, came home later than usual due to some delay on the turnpike. I heard the first time the phone was ringing but I was hearing right past when I was about to fall asleep. I didn't want to pick up the phone, no one ever calls at that time and no one ever calls the house line that late. I curse caller ID because the bad feeling had crept up behind my head, like a cloud weighing a ton. She told me and I screamed and everyone woke up in the house. My father was still at work but he said at 1:25am, he told his supervisor he had to go home right frakkin now. He was only 3 hours into his shift. He felt it, she was passing. It was his first day back at work after being on medical leave, which he took when she had her quadruple heart bypass.
I'm not sure how long I screamed. I felt my face was all wet. My skin itched. My skin felt like it was on fire. My legs felt like lead. My head felt like lead. My skin prickled in pain. My eyes burned and I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't stop yelling. I ran all the way downstairs to the basement, to Kuya's room screaming. I think I threw the phone and I told him to fix it because the stupid lady on the phone said Ma was dead. I can't erase his face. Then I ran back up to the living room. I said we had to call Tay. We had to call Kuya. I think Kuya Uge called Tay, who was signing himself out of work. He kept asking him if he was ok to drive back home. Tay was quiet, Kuya was sobbing he kept saying the girls were crying and he doesn't know what to do. I called Kuya Ugo and he screamed on the phone. I don't remember hanging up with him. Tim was on the phone, I think with Tita Zeny. Dawn was sitting by the foyer mirrors, crying with her head down. My little sister, I'm sorry I woke you up like that. I went upstairs and I told Joaquin to call work, let them know I wasn't going to be coming in for awhile. Then I started to get dressed, crying hysterically. I was screaming at them to go to her because she was dead and she was all alone and none of us where there. I felt the guilt climbing into my stomach, like a hot piece of heavy coal. My head was pounding. Kuya Uge gripped my upper arms, I'm not sure what he said but I think he was trying to calm me down. I remember thinking I've never seen my big brother cry. The 3 of them left. Tay was on his way there already. Kuya Ugo was coming to get me and Joaquin. Tita Zeny called my phone, she was talking about God and I kept thinking is it a boat on a river? Pray for her soul for safe passage.
We got into the van, Erika drove. Kuya passed me tissues. Kuya Uge met us at the door, he told me I had to be quiet. The other patients were sleeping and Ma has a roommate who's probably scared to death that someone died on the next bed. She was laying there, looking like she was asleep. She smelled like her perfume that Kuya Ugo gave on her last birthday. But she was cold and her face looked ashy. And strangled sobbing escaped from my throat, I felt like choking and vomiting. But I grabbed her hand and I rubbed it on my face and I cried for my Mama and all the conversations and laughs we will never have. And I can't believe it because I just talked to her not more than 5 hours ago. And what the fuck are we going to do because Mama's gone and she never complained how much she suffered.
My 27th year sucked. And for the rest of my life my birthdays will be overshadowed by the painful memories of that night. It sounds selfish but I mean really, Happy Birthday and Death Anniversary?! Dawn was the only one who thought that; she would too. I've had 365 days of living just because. It's not enough just to survive I hear. It's time to wake up because even though my mother wasn't perfect, she was the best mother I - we could've asked for. And she wouldn't want us stagnating in our lives just because she wasn't there anymore. Whether to poke fun at us or laugh with us or just be the sound listening ear she always was, because we are her kids damn it. And just like when we were young and it was hot so she'd let us strip down to our underwear to run around during a family get together, she would want us to be free.
Fight them until you can't. 2303 hours.
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